Klaus Hergersheimer here again, from “G” section. We’ve tabulated the results of this week’s
poll and we’re ready to release the analysis.
The most popular answer was choice number four with seven votes:
blasting hordes of attackers while hurling epithets and catchy phrases until
they drag you down by shear numbers.
Although this may sound like a “great” way to go, let’s analyze the
choice. Someone choosing this way to go
out craves attention. He or she is
willing to give up their life for one last moment in the spotlight. Of course, this is selfish and quite
foolish. First, your group looses a
weapon and a shooter. After all, no
one’s going to wade back into the zombie horde to retrieve the M41 pulse rifle
you dropped after your arms were bitten off.
Maybe if you began a tactical withdrawal 10 seconds sooner, you’d be
able to blast mutants with lead and epithets and still “get to the chopper” in
time. Next time, look at the big picture. Oh, and second, getting eaten alive by
zombies or ripped apart by aliens has got to hurt! Bad choice, Charlie Sheen... not “winning!”
Next up on
the analysis, choice number one, which had one vote: Standing on a beach holding hands with your loved ones, watching
a 200 foot tidal wave coming at you.
Ahhh, the romantic. The person
choosing this way to go always tries to find the “best” in everything and
everyone. However, this choice also
indicates a tendency to “give up” when the going gets tough. I mean, maybe I’d choose this way to go if
I’ve run out of ammo for my M41 pulse rifle and a horde of zombies is closing
in on me at the beach… yeah sure, run toward the incoming tidal wave, it beats
getting eaten alive. But, in the
absence of the zombie horde… run inland at the first sign of water receding
into the ocean! Because all the
romanticism in the world ain’t gonna stop that 800 million tons of water from
squashing you like a bug hitting a windshield.
Choice
number three (One vote): Crashing into
a mountain while piloting a planeload of survivors trying to find a safe
haven. Oh, yeah… the “hero” type. So, you find 20 or 25 other survivors and
you tell them that, “ya, sure I can fly the DC-3 sitting on the tarmac, I’ve
got 2000 hours flying experience.”
Everyone piles in and off you go… because you’re the expert pilot. You know what you’re doing. You’ve convinced everyone that only you can
save them. All because you’re the best
pilot in your clan… of online flight simulator gamers. Of course, you don’t tell the rest of the
survivors that the 2000 hours of flying experience you’ve got is all online,
because then you’d just be another yokel instead of Mr. Hero sitting in the
pilot’s seat. And now you realize that
online you don’t have to do all the “airplane stuff” that needs to be done in
order to keep a real plane in the air, the computer does all that. Online you don’t need an altimeter setting,
flaps, engine controls, or trim tabs.
Heck, online you don’t even need to retract your landing gear! Now, if you’re actually able to take off,
instead of plowing into the trees at the end of the runway, you’re stuck! Your online experience won’t land the plane,
won’t tell you what RPM’s to run, won’t give you a clue as to stall speed, or
how read the instruments when flying through those clouds ahead. And so, you end up as another heroic smudge
on the side of the mountain hiding behind those clouds ahead. Well, maybe it’s better than getting ripped
in half by aliens but you’re just as dead… hero.
And so we
come to the final answer, the one nobody chose. Old age, after living in a cave for 40 years, eating canned beans
and road kill, while the rest of humanity is wiped out. Yes, you’ve guessed it, this is the best
choice. Some may say that this is the
choice of the misanthrope. The choice
of someone who runs out on humanity just at the point when they’re needed
most. Well, you might be right there,
but it’s also the choice of someone who 40 years after a tidal wave has swept
the “romantic” to a watery grave, 40 years after the smudge on the side of a
mountain has overgrown, 40 years after the bones of the attention-getter have
bleached out, is still enjoying rerun videos of “Gilligan’s Island” and “Hawaii
Five-0” (both the original and the remake) on the solar powered 50 inch LCD
flat screen you scavenged, while dining on canned foods and fresh sautéed road
kill in total security behind the great wall of ammunition you’ve built at the
entrance of the isolated cave you’re living in. Oh, and that’s a nice rifle rack you’ve got, sporting the latest
M41 pulse rifles, M-4 carbines, and semi-auto shotguns. Did I mention the spacious cave you’re
sharing with the quartet of big boobed survivors you lead away from the group
that went with the guy who said he could fly that DC-3 40 years ago? Yeah, you’ve really got to look at the big
picture. Cocktails, anyone?
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