Harrumph File #062 04.04.2011_Tilikum Part Deux: The Case For Whale Control

     Veteran Harrumphians will surely remember Tilikum, the killer whale who, one year ago, ate his third human being when he dragged his trainer by the ponytail into the hellish depths of a performance tank.  For those of you who may be new to the Harrumph Files I refer you to Harrumph File #005 for more information.

     Well, Tilikum is back and performing at SeaWorld.  How can this be, you ask?    The answer, quite simply, rests before the revolving doors of our broken justice system.  Yes, instead of taking my advice of one year ago; namely to rid our society of this modern day Willie Horton, the justice system has decided to put him “back on the street” in a manner of speaking.  And this leads us to the inevitable question:  when will he kill again?

Land-capable killer whales...now no one's safe.

     How many more must die at the hands, err… flippers, of this three-time killer before we seriously consider sensible whale control laws?  And don’t talk to me about your constitutional rights to keep and bear whales.  When the framers addressed whales in our founding documents it was a different world.  People needed whales back then.  There’s no real reason for people, except for sports fishermen and licensed entertainment venues, to possess or use whales today.  Especially evil-looking and dangerous “assault” whales, like Orcas.  In fact, a study by Whale Control, Inc. shows that you’re ate, correction, eight times more likely to be killed by a whale you keep in your house than using one to stop a crime.  Of course, these statistics are disputed by the NWA (National Whale Association,) but everyone knows they’re just a bunch of kooks clinging to their whales and their religion.  The NWA states that over two million crimes are prevented each year by citizens exercising their constitutional right to keep and bear whales.  They further state that those numbers are underreported since many crimes are prevented when a law-abiding citizen merely “brandishes” a whale and that statistics are only kept on actual whale bitings.

     Now, I have agreed with the NWA in the past, but recently they have shifted from their historical representation of sportsmen and fishermen to pushing for looser whale control laws and that is where we part company.    I believe in sensible whale control, whereas the NWA lobbies for things like more concealed carry of whales in public; I don’t know about you, but I sure couldn’t enjoy a nice Denny’s grand slam breakfast knowing that any yahoo in the restaurant could be carrying a concealed whale.  And, what about the NWA’s stance on “high capacity” whale tanks?  Where 2, 3, or even 4 whales could be lurking?  Why would anyone need a tank that holds 4 whales?  I propose limiting whale tank size to 2 whales.

     For further support I direct you to other countries where whales have been all but outlawed.  There hasn’t been a whale-caused death in England for over a century.  And as for the NWA’s assertion that whale control emboldens dictators, I do admit that after Hitler came to power he did outlaw and confiscate all whales in Germany.  But I must also state that during the entire 12 years that the Third Reich existed, there was not a single whale-caused death.  Face it people, whales have no place in today’s society.  We need to pass a constitutional amendment repealing the right to keep and bear whales before it’s too late.

     Remember, people don’t kill people, whales do.  Harrumph…