Musings from the, perhaps slightly touched, mind of the leading social commentator of our time.


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Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Poll #32 ends. What do we do with Tilikum, the “killer” whale?

     The following is another excerpt from a recently discovered journal believed to belong to Amelia Earhart’s unnamed and almost unknown navigator, written during their long, but doomed flight around the world in 1937 which was believed to end in the South Pacific at the hands of sneaky Japanese fighter pilots after she discovered Admiral Yamamoto’s dastardly plan to attack Pearl Harbor.

July 7, 1937: Uncharted South Pacific island.  Well, we’ve survived the crash and have stripped out everything useful from the plane.  Looks like the natives were right.  Soon after our departure from Lae, we saw a group of marauding planes.  Amelia thinks they were Japanese.  We turned south to avoid them but then, just our luck, they turned south also.  They didn’t see us because there were a few clouds between us but they kept pushing us off course, southward.  Many hours later we shook them and turned eastward again but by now we were a thousand or more miles off course.  I told Amelia that we should turn west and make for Australia but she wanted to continue east and try for Fiji.  Well, sure enough, after another hour we were jumped by two Japanese fighters and they shot us full of holes.  Amelia was able to set it down on the shore of this uncharted desert isle but we’ve got no phone, no lights, no motor cars, not a single luxury.  But, if we plan well and don’t get caught by a Japanese raiding party I think we’ll be ok.
October 12, 1937:  It’s been about three months and no rescue.  Heck, they’re probably all looking two thousand miles to the north, where our original course was.
May 3, 1940:  I can’t keep eating coconuts.  Three years of eating coconuts is enough to drive anyone crazy.  Now, half the time when I look at Amelia she looks like a roasted chicken like you would see in the cartoons.  Yeah, maybe a skinny chicken that won’t shut up but a skinny roasted chicken regardless…
November 1, 1941:  Amelia is frantic.  She keeps telling me about the “Japanese sneak attack plan” she discovered before we departed on the last leg of our historic, but ill-fated flight.  Saying she’s got to get to U.S. territory to warn the President about the Japanese.  Once I caught her wading out to sea on her way to the white house.  I had to hit her on the head with a frying pan to stop her.
August 13, 1943:  Lot’s of activity the last few years.  Planes flying overhead and smoke on the horizon.  We haven’t been able to attract the attention of any of them.  Must be big things happening.  Amelia keeps walking around in circles saying “I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.”
June or July, 1956:  It’s been a long time.  From time to time we see a plane but other than that you would think we were the last people on Earth.  Every now and then we see a really bright light to the northeast followed by tall storm clouds that kinda look like giant mushrooms… weird.
1960:  Saw some killer whales swim by the island and it reminded me of my dream of starting an airline.  They were feeding on some seals off shore that were heading south for the summer.  Man, I’d hate to have one of them looking to make a meal of me.  I think Amelia’s finally gone ‘round the bend.  She’s gone completely native and walks around wearing only her cargo shorts.  Damn, wish she had bigger boobs.
1964:  Crazy storm last night, worst one I’ve seen since we were stranded here.  This morning we discovered that a tiny boat was shipwrecked on the lagoon and seven people have taken over the south half of the island.  Amelia thinks they’re Japanese spies but I think they’re just a figment of our imagination.  I mean they’re the weirdest group of bungling fools I’ve ever seen.  There’s the skipper and his first mate, a man and woman that dress like they’re millionaires going out for a night on the town, A woman wearing a long slinky dress who acts like she’s Mae West, a geeky “professor” type and a girl who looks like she just stepped off of a farm.  We’re gonna hide in the jungle awhile just to make sure they’re ok.  Oh well, if they are real, they’re gonna be here for a long, long time, they'll have to make the best of things, ‘cause it's an uphill climb…

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