Ok,
so most of you out there know that I, like others that see the signs, have been
preparing for zombie apocalypse for quite a while. Now, before you laugh so hard that you loose your lunch, you have
to know a few things. Rule number one:
preparing for zombie apocalypse is a lot like preparing for an earthquake or
any other natural disaster. You set
aside some supplies consisting of food, water, flashlight & batteries,
extra socks, and a few other items you might need (hint: pack some toilet
paper.) It’s just that with zombie
apocalypse you add in a few, well, specialty items. A good battle carbine, a handgun (if they’re
legal in your city… gotta check the rules now!) enough ammo to get you through
a medium sized zombie horde, and a samurai sword (whatcha gonna do when you run
out of ammo, yell “trick or treat” at ‘em?)
Ok,
so you’ve got your supplies and any “specialty items” you might require. You’ve got a plan to get to a nice safe place
to wait out the “storm” that’s coming.
You’ve set up communications with your family members and friends on
where to meet (Hint: if your friends haven’t already talked to you about this,
you might want to look for some new friends.)
You’ve printed out all previous Harrumph Files so you’ll have some good
reading material for the next few years, and you’ve put in your time at the
rifle range so that you’ll be able to make those tough head shots on the
zombies you run into instead of blowing off your own foot. So what’s the hold up here?
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| Are we clear, here? |
Well,
it’s a problem that has been plaguing movie characters for years, and usually
leads to their doom. The problem isn’t
having supplies or a plan. The problem
is deciding when to implement the plan.
You’ve all seen it before in the movies. Couple wakes up… just another day. Yeah, just another day… until the husband is bit on the neck by a
little zombie girl from next door. Wife
tries calling 911 but, alas, the lines are all tied up. All tied up with thousands of other
“pre-zombies,” as I like to call them, also trying to get through to emergency
services. Husband who died 10 seconds
ago now reanimates and attacks the wife, who through some miracle is able to
get away wearing nothing but her pajamas.
Now, if you rewind the movie a bit you’ll see that in the scene from the
night before, the TV news gave them the hint they needed by reporting on
strange attacks happening in the tri-state region and law enforcement is
baffled by all the human bite attacks that were being reported. Of course, said couple saw nothing of the TV
reports because their lives are so busy that they actually have to schedule
make-out sessions. There’ll be plenty
of time to neck in your safe haven if you just look for the warning
signs now.
So,
as we look around at the world we live in now what do we see? Earthquakes and tsunamis of massive
proportions. Potential “super”
volcanoes ready to blow. Money that’s
worthless & people stocking up on gold.
More Mothra & Rodan sightings every week. Nuclear meltdowns. A
halakala revolution throughout the Middle East. Global warming… or cooling… or whatever. Bigfoot sightings. UFO’s flying all over the world.
Butter shortages.* Hundreds of
programs on Nostradomus and his predictions.
What
can all this be telling us, you ask?
Should you begin placing “the calls” while cell service is still
reliable? Do you need to start the
sandbagging and magazine loading yet?
Well, unless you want to be one of those lame “pre-zombies” who gets
caught and overrun by a medium sized zombie horde with nothing in your hand but
your garden hose nozzle, or is so far in denial that you’re still mailing bill
payments to now non-existent companies, weeks after zombie hordes have eaten
their way across the country, I suggest that you pay a little more attention to
what’s right in front of you, instead of leaning forward so far that you
end up falling right on your face.
Well,
we’ve always said that we here at HARRUMPH will be your guide… will be your
“air raid siren” of impending danger… will be your own personal apocalyptic
savant, and now we fulfill that responsibility by making “the call.” Yes, you’ve heard right, we’re saying it
now. We’re saying it loud. We’re saying it for all you lame “pre-zombies” to
hear. It’s the end of the world. Stop paying your bills. Load and stack magazines. Board up the house and gas up the armored
car. Zombies are coming. Put that finishing touch on your razor-sharp
samurai sword and drop those ninja stars in the pockets of your army surplus
BDU’s. Remember to flip the safety off
and only go for headshots, they are zombies after all.
Oh,
and if you still find yourself ignoring rule number one, don’t show up at my
house thinking you’re gonna get a free ride on my supplies. About the only thing you’ll get from me will
come in .223 caliber. Harrumph…
* Butter shortages actually only caused by increased
White House demand on fresh lobster.
I must agree, all of the warning signs are there, the zombie apocolypse is going to be soon. I believe the Bible called for the end when the middle east all burns, (and it's pretty tough to burn sand unless you nuke them, which I'm all for.) The Ring of Fire is cutting loose and working its way our direction. People are hording, the government is building shelters for the "elite", aka scumbag politicians. Stock up, lock and load baby, it's near. I must change up one small item in the Evil Genius inventory list. As much as I love a Katana, I feel a better item for close quarters might be a good battle hatchet, (see Gerber Legendary Blades). A good hatchet is better in close quarters, doesn't require the skill level that it takes to wield a Katana, and it will split a zombie skull like an overripe melon. I also agree with the Evil Genius, show up here unprepared and I will only give you some ammunition, one round at a time.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait. 2012 is like a Christmas morning that just never seems to get here. When you've grown up being trained for the coming zombie apocalypse, life without zombies is tedious, dull, and uncomfortable.
ReplyDeleteRon-After checking out Gerber Legendary Blades I will modify the Harrumph as follows: A battle hatchet would be cool if you're fighting mutants, aliens or hostile survivors (especially Indians.) However, I would be concerned about a hatchet sticking in a zombie head and therefore an increased possibility of a zombie bite while see-sawing it out of said zombie head. I therefore will be ordering a Gerber brand "Gator Brush Thinner" which looks like it will work well for removing zombie heads completely or "hatcheting" it into the top of any offending zombie within reach. I like having multiple possibilities in one tool. I will post a picture.
ReplyDeleteGen-Don't worry, Christmas is coming.