During the
recent “kinetic” action in Libya our forces uncovered some rather interesting
items. You will recall that, in between
lobster dinners, the President first announced that Momarr Kaddafi “had to
go.” Then announced that regime change
actually was not the goal of the bombing (after all, he’s no George Bush!) Well during this… interesting time… as the
White House staff, the State Department, and the Pentagon were all hanging on,
riding the roller coaster that is our current foreign policy, special forces
were dispatched to ensure that Kaddafi “went.”
Don’t worry, this did not violate our policy of not having “boots on the
ground” in Libya since I have it on good authority that they were all wearing
sneakers, the better to sneak around Kaddafi’s palatial tent complex.
Any way, one of
the items they recovered during their covert sneaking, just before they were
withdrawn as our Libyan policy changed to “Kaddafi’s a bad guy and we hope he
goes,” was a brochure for “Hugo Chavezs’ Hostel for ‘Former’ Dictators.” This took our Intelligence forces totally by
surprise. Apparently, we had no idea
that just 1500 miles from our shores Hugo Chavez was running an all-inclusive
resort called “Scandals©.”
The following are some excerpts from the brochure.
Scandals©, Luxury Retirement Resort
Revel in some of Venezuela’s most breathtaking and
romantic beachfront settings. Choose
from an unparalleled array of gourmet restaurants. Embrace unimaginable luxury
(really, it’s unimaginable) in one of our incredibly lavish, innovative and
exquisitely stylish suites. Experience for yourselves why, quite simply, the
Scandals© Luxury All Inclusive Retirement Resort represents an
unprecedented new level of supreme perfection.
“Hello, I’m Hugo Chavez and welcome to Scandals©,
my all-inclusive luxury resort for ‘former’ dictators who find themselves in
need of a place to get away from it all… especially the CIA, MI6, and the
Mossad.
“Here at Scandals© you can find a new home
among friends. You’ll have no
worries about rebel armies marching on your palace or that you’ll wake up at
4am on the business end of a green beret’s knife. Here we cater to your every whim. Palatial suites.
Award-winning dining by some of the world’s finest chefs. Excursions to nearby islands. World class golfing. And the best part is
that everything’s included for one low price.
“You choose the level of comfort and luxury that’s right
for your budget. We do the rest. The Scandals© Resort has accommodations that are just right
for any anyone’s situation, from our palatial “Idi Amin Dada” suite all the way
to shared quarters for those that might be on a limited budget. And the
best thing about Scandals© is that we don’t judge you. Whether you are just another Hutu warlord or
the most infamous “wood chipper” on the face of the globe, you’re welcome at
Scandals©.
“So what’s included for your money? Well, just about everything. We have more inclusions than almost any
other resort in the world:
Restaurants and Bars
Luxurious Accommodations
Private Offshore Islands
Unlimited Scuba
Motorized Watersports
World Class Golf
Fitness Centers
Land Sports
Top-Shelf Drinks
Entertainment
Beringer Wines
Airport Transfers
Tips, Gratuities
Hookers and Blow
 |
| But where are the hookers & blow? |
“And as I, Hugo Chavez, like to say, ‘If you don’t see it,
just ask.’ Scandals© has the
friendliest concierge staff you’ll meet anywhere. Not only can they take care of booking all of your excursions,
golf, and dining reservations, they can handle any special requests you
might have. Remember, nothing's too good
for a ‘former’ dictator! We can even
book you into Disneyland or any other American resort… at no extra charge, even
for make up & disguising services!
“Yes, here at Scandals© we’ve thought of
everything! Just take a look at some of
the testimonials that were uploaded to our website:
Scandals© Montego
Bay-
“My first day here and I
already feel like I’m at home.
Definitely will recommend it to my fellow warlords.”
Former Dictator of
------------------
Scandals© Royal
Caribbean-
“I love the personal
attention. Concierge staff is top
notch!”
Former General of
------------------
Scandals© Grande
Riviera-
“I never though I would see
another sunrise after being chased from my palace in ---------. Thanks Scandals©, for a great
retirement!
Former Dictator of
---------
“So, remember, when the
rebels are closing in, when the American Marines are knocking down your palace
door, when you’re one step ahead of the Mossad… step into Scandals©
for a new life among friends!
Harrumph…
Once this proves that necessity is the mother of all invention, and capitalism rules. Here someone found an obviously undersold niche market and is able to capitalize on it. I say bravo for them! These poor abused dictators must have somewhere to go when they are deposed, after all they are people too. Well, sort of. OK, not so much. But I digress. Someone found a needed service, provides it with style and it has an added bonus if you think about it. With these former dictators in one place, all it would take is for one "daisy cutter" to "accidentally" fall out of an "off course" C130 and you have some pretty major house cleaning. What the heck, the land will be flat, so rebuilding would be much easier.
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