Today is
Easter. Most of you have probably been
to a magic show this morning and so you understand what the Easter season
means. But for those of you that don’t
(and this includes the Godless heathens out there-you know who you are!) Easter
season is about the spirit of giving to others, family get-togethers, and
reflection on ones life and how he or she lives it. What’s that? You’ve never
heard of this before? You say Easter is
about taking the day (or week) off of school for “spring break,” egg hunts, and
chocolate bunnies? And all of this is
provided by some magical, all-knowing, monstrously sized rabbit known as the
Easter Bunny? Hmmm… who’s stretching
reality too far now?
So, who is this
“Easter Bunny,” anyway? Well, HARRUMPH
has researched him and we are happy to report that we’ve tracked him down and
we will provide you with full disclosure.
 |
| That's one evil rabbit. |
But, first of
all, before you understand the bunny, you’ve got to understand his
motives. Just what is he all
about? Is he some quasi-Santa Claus,
traveling the world in a super-sonic, time-altering Easter basket, leaving eggs
and delectable treats for children to enjoy just for the fun of it? No, he is no Santa Claus. I saw Santa Claus on TV, I knew Santa Claus’
story, Santa Claus was a friend of mine.*
Easter Bunny, you're no Santa Claus.
We’ve all seen the story of Santa on TV and there’s really no
comparison. Has the Easter Bunny been
portrayed by an actor as distinguished as Mickey Rooney? Does the Easter Bunny have his own
stop-action TV special narrated by Fred Astaire or just crappy cartoons made in
Korea narrated by Soon-Tek Oh? I think
we all know the answers to these very important questions.
In fact, if
Santa Claus represents everything that is good and decent in the world then the
Easter Bunny must, by common reasoning and geometric logic, represent
everything evil and loathing that we know.
If Santa is the kind, generous, loving family man, supporting his wife
and even taking in unwanted, orphaned elves that no one else will tolerate then
the Easter Bunny must be some meth-addicted street mugger living in a
trashed-out single wide trailer with his two-pack a day wife who turns tricks
in the alley for drinking money. The
kind of guy who, when invited to his cousin Roger Rabbit’s home for the
holidays, drinks all his booze, farts at the table and feels up his cartoonish,
but well-endowed wife right in front of him.
Then gets pissed off when there’s only light beer left in the ‘fridge.
So, we can then
deduce by the facts uncovered so far, that the Easter Bunny is a self-serving,
evil, conspiring monster of gigantic proportions. This leaves only one possibility: the Easter bunny is an invention of the evil ChiComs in order to
lure well-meaning Americans into buying butt-loads of their crap to distribute
on Easter Sunday, thus increasing their ill-gotten gains and mocking one
of our most holy days of the year. It
would be like us distributing “little green books” of elf knowledge on Mao’s
birthday.
So, I call on
all loyal Americans now! Stop the
ChiCom menace! Do not buy or distribute
any ChiCom produced candy, plastic eggs, or other delectable treats! Do not attend so-called Easter “egg-rolls”
(or “spring-rolls,” or Wontons.) If you
see an Easter Bunny in your local mall go ahead and get your picture taken with
him… but then refuse to purchase the picture (thus eating into their ill-gotten
profits,) kick that ChiCom rabbit in his cotton-tail ass, and run like hell
before his “secret service” agents catch you!
Never trust the ChiComs, in human or rabbit form! Harrumph…
* Only as a “Facebook” friend
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