Poll #036: Easter (the other side)

            Last Sunday was Easter, and boy did the HARRUMPH email erupt in a deluge of commentary from God-denying heathens (or as I like to call them: “Goders”) spewing their vile theories formed in their less-than-full heads of mush and demanding equal time.   Very well, the gauntlet has been thrown and I gladly accept.  I will be harrumphing on this subject in the next Harrumph File.  First, we conduct this week’s poll with a quick question that must be considered, just in case all you Goders find yourselves “standing before the man” once you expire here on the Earth.

Poll #35 ends. What’s the best thing about the Easter Bunny?

     Well, on Sunday the Easter Bunny emerged from his single-wide mobile home, sobered up, bailed his trick-turning, two-pack-a-day wife out of jail, and distributed delectable ChiCom-made candies and treats to the populous.

     As you can see, no one voted for the traditional Easter meaning of peace, good will & salvation.  Well, no surprise there, considering the “enlightened” times we live in now, where most people get their news from a comedy central parody show and Bill Maher draws more than 10 viewers per show.  Ben-Hur received one vote, probably from the actor who uttered the famous line to Ben-Hur and the rest of the galley slaves: “We keep you alive to serve this ship.  So row well and live.”  Yeah, most of us who work for “the man” know that line well.  Two votes were cast for chocolate eggs.  Well, they are delectable treats so I can’t fault anyone for choosing them.

     Finally, the winner, with three votes, was for kicking that ChiCom bunny in his commie ass and running like hell.  Now that’s the American spirit I was looking for!  Remember, Harrumphians, never trust the ChiComs!

     Congratulations to TF of Pleasanton, California, our second triple winner!!!!!!

Harrumph File #065 04.24.2011_The Easter Bunny

     Today is Easter.  Most of you have probably been to a magic show this morning and so you understand what the Easter season means.  But for those of you that don’t (and this includes the Godless heathens out there-you know who you are!) Easter season is about the spirit of giving to others, family get-togethers, and reflection on ones life and how he or she lives it.  What’s that?  You’ve never heard of this before?  You say Easter is about taking the day (or week) off of school for “spring break,” egg hunts, and chocolate bunnies?  And all of this is provided by some magical, all-knowing, monstrously sized rabbit known as the Easter Bunny?  Hmmm… who’s stretching reality too far now?

     So, who is this “Easter Bunny,” anyway?  Well, HARRUMPH has researched him and we are happy to report that we’ve tracked him down and we will provide you with full disclosure.

That's one evil rabbit.

     But, first of all, before you understand the bunny, you’ve got to understand his motives.  Just what is he all about?  Is he some quasi-Santa Claus, traveling the world in a super-sonic, time-altering Easter basket, leaving eggs and delectable treats for children to enjoy just for the fun of it?  No, he is no Santa Claus.  I saw Santa Claus on TV, I knew Santa Claus’ story, Santa Claus was a friend of mine.*  Easter Bunny, you're no Santa Claus.  We’ve all seen the story of Santa on TV and there’s really no comparison.  Has the Easter Bunny been portrayed by an actor as distinguished as Mickey Rooney?  Does the Easter Bunny have his own stop-action TV special narrated by Fred Astaire or just crappy cartoons made in Korea narrated by Soon-Tek Oh?  I think we all know the answers to these very important questions.

     In fact, if Santa Claus represents everything that is good and decent in the world then the Easter Bunny must, by common reasoning and geometric logic, represent everything evil and loathing that we know.  If Santa is the kind, generous, loving family man, supporting his wife and even taking in unwanted, orphaned elves that no one else will tolerate then the Easter Bunny must be some meth-addicted street mugger living in a trashed-out single wide trailer with his two-pack a day wife who turns tricks in the alley for drinking money.  The kind of guy who, when invited to his cousin Roger Rabbit’s home for the holidays, drinks all his booze, farts at the table and feels up his cartoonish, but well-endowed wife right in front of him.  Then gets pissed off when there’s only light beer left in the ‘fridge.

     So, we can then deduce by the facts uncovered so far, that the Easter Bunny is a self-serving, evil, conspiring monster of gigantic proportions.  This leaves only one possibility:  the Easter bunny is an invention of the evil ChiComs in order to lure well-meaning Americans into buying butt-loads of their crap to distribute on Easter Sunday, thus increasing their ill-gotten gains and mocking one of our most holy days of the year.  It would be like us distributing “little green books” of elf knowledge on Mao’s birthday.

     So, I call on all loyal Americans now!  Stop the ChiCom menace!  Do not buy or distribute any ChiCom produced candy, plastic eggs, or other delectable treats!  Do not attend so-called Easter “egg-rolls” (or “spring-rolls,” or Wontons.)  If you see an Easter Bunny in your local mall go ahead and get your picture taken with him… but then refuse to purchase the picture (thus eating into their ill-gotten profits,) kick that ChiCom rabbit in his cotton-tail ass, and run like hell before his “secret service” agents catch you!  Never trust the ChiComs, in human or rabbit form!  Harrumph…

* Only as a “Facebook” friend

Poll #35 What’s the best thing about the Easter Bunny?

            This Sunday is Easter, and I’m sure you all (yes, even you Godless heathens) know what that means… No, not just a time for classic movies, chocolate eggs and pet bunny rabbits.  It is a time for reflection and introspection, goodwill to others, family meals, and, yes classic movies, chocolate eggs, and bunnies… specifically the Easter Bunny.  Sometimes known as Santa's poorer cousin who lives in a trailer park and survives on welfare and unemployment checks.  So, in order to help this poor deluded rabbit with his self-esteem problem we have decided to conduct a poll on just what is the best thing about the Easter Bunny.

Poll #34 ends. The worst thing about being a “former” dictator.

     Once again, our resident gypsy, Madam Geneva, has conjured the ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte to talk about this week’s poll results.

     “Allo, I am Napoleon, former Emperor of France, several times.  I have been asked to review the results of the poll conducted this week.  *sigh* This is not the job of an emperor, but as I said, I am now a former emperor so C'est la vie!

     “Two selections received no votes at all, probably because they were either incorrect or incomprehensible.  I am a former emperor and I still were my ‘cool’ uniform.  What else would you expect from Napoleon, eh?  The second has to do with something called a Mossad tail.  Now, I have had many different dishes, escargot, crème brûlée, éclairs, but I have never had a Mossad tail.  How is it prepared? La flambé?  *sigh* But, I digress.

     “The next two answers each received one vote each.  I understand how an enemy army can change your plans, it has happened to the best of us, eh?  I even had plans to knock out a few walls at Fontainebleau Chateau that I never did get around to.  And, as far as sharing a room with someone who farts in their sleep, I can tell you some stories.  Marshal Ney never could hold his wind during strategy sessions.  More often than not, he would clear the entire tent out before we could conclude our business.  But, even though he was “windy,” he was also very lucky, and luck counts for more in war than wind.

     “Finally, we come to the answer that garnered three votes, the wood chipper.  Ah yes, in my time it was the guillotine but, as we know, time marches on and technology improves.  Ahh, I long for the good old days.  Planning invasions, the sound and smell of grapeshot, sabers clashing in the midday sun.  Many say that by my actions I sent millions to their graves.  Bah!  They would have died anyway.  They may ask if I regret how my life turned out.  To my critics I say “Non, je ne regrette rien.”  I regret nothing… except maybe that little trip into Russia.  And so, now I rejoin my fellow former dictators and bid you adieu.  Un point c’est tout!

     “Concierge, brandy.”

Harrumph File #064 04.17.2011_Hugo Chavezs’ Hostel For Former Dictators

     During the recent “kinetic” action in Libya our forces uncovered some rather interesting items.  You will recall that, in between lobster dinners, the President first announced that Momarr Kaddafi “had to go.”   Then announced that regime change actually was not the goal of the bombing (after all, he’s no George Bush!)  Well during this… interesting time… as the White House staff, the State Department, and the Pentagon were all hanging on, riding the roller coaster that is our current foreign policy, special forces were dispatched to ensure that Kaddafi “went.”  Don’t worry, this did not violate our policy of not having “boots on the ground” in Libya since I have it on good authority that they were all wearing sneakers, the better to sneak around Kaddafi’s palatial tent complex.

     Any way, one of the items they recovered during their covert sneaking, just before they were withdrawn as our Libyan policy changed to “Kaddafi’s a bad guy and we hope he goes,” was a brochure for “Hugo Chavezs’ Hostel for ‘Former’ Dictators.”  This took our Intelligence forces totally by surprise.  Apparently, we had no idea that just 1500 miles from our shores Hugo Chavez was running an all-inclusive resort called “Scandals_©.”  The following are some excerpts from the brochure.

Scandals_©, Luxury Retirement Resort

Revel in some of Venezuela’s most breathtaking and romantic beachfront settings.  Choose from an unparalleled array of gourmet restaurants. Embrace unimaginable luxury (really, it’s unimaginable) in one of our incredibly lavish, innovative and exquisitely stylish suites. Experience for yourselves why, quite simply, the Scandals_© Luxury All Inclusive Retirement Resort represents an unprecedented new level of supreme perfection.

“Hello, I’m Hugo Chavez and welcome to Scandals_©, my all-inclusive luxury resort for ‘former’ dictators who find themselves in need of a place to get away from it all… especially the CIA, MI6, and the Mossad.

“Here at Scandals_© you can find a new home among friends.  You’ll have no worries about rebel armies marching on your palace or that you’ll wake up at 4am on the business end of a green beret’s knife.  Here we cater to your every whim.  Palatial suites.  Award-winning dining by some of the world’s finest chefs.  Excursions to nearby islands.  World class golfing. And the best part is that everything’s included for one low price.

“You choose the level of comfort and luxury that’s right for your budget.  We do the rest.  The Scandals_©  Resort has accommodations that are just right for any anyone’s situation, from our palatial “Idi Amin Dada” suite all the way to shared quarters for those that might be on a limited budget.  And the best thing about Scandals_© is that we don’t judge you.  Whether you are just another Hutu warlord or the most infamous “wood chipper” on the face of the globe, you’re welcome at Scandals_©.

“So what’s included for your money?  Well, just about everything.  We have more inclusions than almost any other resort in the world:

Restaurants and Bars

Luxurious Accommodations

Private Offshore Islands

Unlimited Scuba

Motorized Watersports

World Class Golf

Fitness Centers

Land Sports

Top-Shelf Drinks

Entertainment

Beringer Wines

Airport Transfers

Tips, Gratuities

Hookers and Blow

But where are the hookers & blow?

“And as I, Hugo Chavez, like to say, ‘If you don’t see it, just ask.’  Scandals_© has the friendliest concierge staff you’ll meet anywhere.  Not only can they take care of booking all of your excursions, golf, and dining reservations, they can handle any special requests you might have.  Remember, nothing's too good for a ‘former’ dictator!  We can even book you into Disneyland or any other American resort… at no extra charge, even for make up & disguising services!

“Yes, here at Scandals_© we’ve thought of everything!  Just take a look at some of the testimonials that were uploaded to our website:

Scandals_© Montego Bay-

“My first day here and I already feel like I’m at home.  Definitely will recommend it to my fellow warlords.”

                                        Former Dictator of ------------------

Scandals_© Royal Caribbean-

“I love the personal attention.  Concierge staff is top notch!”

                                        Former General of ------------------

Scandals_© Grande Riviera-

“I never though I would see another sunrise after being chased from my palace in ---------.  Thanks Scandals_©, for a great retirement!

                                        Former Dictator of ---------

“So, remember, when the rebels are closing in, when the American Marines are knocking down your palace door, when you’re one step ahead of the Mossad… step into Scandals_© for a new life among friends!

Harrumph…

Poll #34 What’s the worst thing about being a “former” dictator?

     Madam Geneva has helped us many times in the past by calling forth the spirits of important historical figures from the past.  This time our resident gypsy had conjured the ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte to help us understand this week’s poll.

     “Allo, my name is Napoleon.  I was once the Emperor of France and came very close to ruling the entire world.  If it wasn’t for an upstart English general and a treacherous Prussian I would have had the world at my feet.  But, I failed in my designs upon the globe and paid for it with exile upon Saint Helena in the Atlantic ocean.

     “At first I was treated fairly by William Balcombe and his family, but the English dogs decided to treat me as a common criminal and sent the jailer, Hudson Lowe to finish me.  The conditions deteriorated until they were no better than for a common soldier.  They finally ended my existence with poison, demonstrating for the entire world their cowardice.

      “All in all, I must admit, that being a dictator is much better than being a former dictator.  Concierge, brandy please.”

Poll #33 ends. Analysis of the choices behind the poll.

     Klaus Hergersheimer here again, from “G” section.  We’ve tabulated the results of this week’s poll and we’re ready to release the analysis.

     The most popular answer was choice number four with seven votes: blasting hordes of attackers while hurling epithets and catchy phrases until they drag you down by shear numbers.  Although this may sound like a “great” way to go, let’s analyze the choice.  Someone choosing this way to go out craves attention.  He or she is willing to give up their life for one last moment in the spotlight.  Of course, this is selfish and quite foolish.  First, your group looses a weapon and a shooter.  After all, no one’s going to wade back into the zombie horde to retrieve the M41 pulse rifle you dropped after your arms were bitten off.  Maybe if you began a tactical withdrawal 10 seconds sooner, you’d be able to blast mutants with lead and epithets and still “get to the chopper” in time.  Next time, look at the big picture.  Oh, and second, getting eaten alive by zombies or ripped apart by aliens has got to hurt!  Bad choice, Charlie Sheen... not “winning!” 

     Next up on the analysis, choice number one, which had one vote:  Standing on a beach holding hands with your loved ones, watching a 200 foot tidal wave coming at you.  Ahhh, the romantic.  The person choosing this way to go always tries to find the “best” in everything and everyone.  However, this choice also indicates a tendency to “give up” when the going gets tough.  I mean, maybe I’d choose this way to go if I’ve run out of ammo for my M41 pulse rifle and a horde of zombies is closing in on me at the beach… yeah sure, run toward the incoming tidal wave, it beats getting eaten alive.  But, in the absence of the zombie horde… run inland at the first sign of water receding into the ocean!  Because all the romanticism in the world ain’t gonna stop that 800 million tons of water from squashing you like a bug hitting a windshield.

     Choice number three (One vote):  Crashing into a mountain while piloting a planeload of survivors trying to find a safe haven.  Oh, yeah… the “hero” type.  So, you find 20 or 25 other survivors and you tell them that, “ya, sure I can fly the DC-3 sitting on the tarmac, I’ve got 2000 hours flying experience.”  Everyone piles in and off you go… because you’re the expert pilot.  You know what you’re doing.  You’ve convinced everyone that only you can save them.  All because you’re the best pilot in your clan… of online flight simulator gamers.  Of course, you don’t tell the rest of the survivors that the 2000 hours of flying experience you’ve got is all online, because then you’d just be another yokel instead of Mr. Hero sitting in the pilot’s seat.  And now you realize that online you don’t have to do all the “airplane stuff” that needs to be done in order to keep a real plane in the air, the computer does all that.  Online you don’t need an altimeter setting, flaps, engine controls, or trim tabs.  Heck, online you don’t even need to retract your landing gear!  Now, if you’re actually able to take off, instead of plowing into the trees at the end of the runway, you’re stuck!  Your online experience won’t land the plane, won’t tell you what RPM’s to run, won’t give you a clue as to stall speed, or how read the instruments when flying through those clouds ahead.  And so, you end up as another heroic smudge on the side of the mountain hiding behind those clouds ahead.  Well, maybe it’s better than getting ripped in half by aliens but you’re just as dead… hero.

     And so we come to the final answer, the one nobody chose.  Old age, after living in a cave for 40 years, eating canned beans and road kill, while the rest of humanity is wiped out.  Yes, you’ve guessed it, this is the best choice.  Some may say that this is the choice of the misanthrope.  The choice of someone who runs out on humanity just at the point when they’re needed most.  Well, you might be right there, but it’s also the choice of someone who 40 years after a tidal wave has swept the “romantic” to a watery grave, 40 years after the smudge on the side of a mountain has overgrown, 40 years after the bones of the attention-getter have bleached out, is still enjoying rerun videos of “Gilligan’s Island” and “Hawaii Five-0” (both the original and the remake) on the solar powered 50 inch LCD flat screen you scavenged, while dining on canned foods and fresh sautéed road kill in total security behind the great wall of ammunition you’ve built at the entrance of the isolated cave you’re living in.  Oh, and that’s a nice rifle rack you’ve got, sporting the latest M41 pulse rifles, M-4 carbines, and semi-auto shotguns.  Did I mention the spacious cave you’re sharing with the quartet of big boobed survivors you lead away from the group that went with the guy who said he could fly that DC-3 40 years ago?  Yeah, you’ve really got to look at the big picture.  Cocktails, anyone?

Modification to HF#063!!!!!!!!

"Gator Brush Thinner" by Gerber.  This thing can not only thin out thick brush while trail-blazing, but it'll thin out a medium sized zombie horde faster than you can say "You want some of this?!?!"  Hack a zombie head off, "hatchet" them with the pointy end, or conk them in the face with the blunt end.  Now that's versatility!  Time to trade your Samurai sword in, kiddies.
I still want some ninja stars though, Ron.

Harrumph File #063 04.11.2011_ Apocalypse When? Apocalypse Now.

     Ok, so most of you out there know that I, like others that see the signs, have been preparing for zombie apocalypse for quite a while.  Now, before you laugh so hard that you loose your lunch, you have to know a few things.  Rule number one: preparing for zombie apocalypse is a lot like preparing for an earthquake or any other natural disaster.  You set aside some supplies consisting of food, water, flashlight & batteries, extra socks, and a few other items you might need (hint: pack some toilet paper.)  It’s just that with zombie apocalypse you add in a few, well, specialty items.  A good battle carbine, a handgun (if they’re legal in your city… gotta check the rules now!) enough ammo to get you through a medium sized zombie horde, and a samurai sword (whatcha gonna do when you run out of ammo, yell “trick or treat” at ‘em?)

     Ok, so you’ve got your supplies and any “specialty items” you might require.  You’ve got a plan to get to a nice safe place to wait out the “storm” that’s coming.  You’ve set up communications with your family members and friends on where to meet (Hint: if your friends haven’t already talked to you about this, you might want to look for some new friends.)  You’ve printed out all previous Harrumph Files so you’ll have some good reading material for the next few years, and you’ve put in your time at the rifle range so that you’ll be able to make those tough head shots on the zombies you run into instead of blowing off your own foot.  So what’s the hold up here?

Are we clear, here?

     Well, it’s a problem that has been plaguing movie characters for years, and usually leads to their doom.  The problem isn’t having supplies or a plan.  The problem is deciding when to implement the plan.  You’ve all seen it before in the movies.  Couple wakes up… just another day.  Yeah, just another day… until the husband is bit on the neck by a little zombie girl from next door.  Wife tries calling 911 but, alas, the lines are all tied up.  All tied up with thousands of other “pre-zombies,” as I like to call them, also trying to get through to emergency services.  Husband who died 10 seconds ago now reanimates and attacks the wife, who through some miracle is able to get away wearing nothing but her pajamas.  Now, if you rewind the movie a bit you’ll see that in the scene from the night before, the TV news gave them the hint they needed by reporting on strange attacks happening in the tri-state region and law enforcement is baffled by all the human bite attacks that were being reported.  Of course, said couple saw nothing of the TV reports because their lives are so busy that they actually have to schedule make-out sessions.  There’ll be plenty of time to neck in your safe haven if you just look for the warning signs now.

     So, as we look around at the world we live in now what do we see?  Earthquakes and tsunamis of massive proportions.  Potential “super” volcanoes ready to blow.  Money that’s worthless & people stocking up on gold.  More Mothra & Rodan sightings every week.  Nuclear meltdowns.  A halakala revolution throughout the Middle East.  Global warming… or cooling… or whatever.  Bigfoot sightings.  UFO’s flying all over the world.  Butter shortages.*  Hundreds of programs on Nostradomus and his predictions.

     What can all this be telling us, you ask?  Should you begin placing “the calls” while cell service is still reliable?  Do you need to start the sandbagging and magazine loading yet?  Well, unless you want to be one of those lame “pre-zombies” who gets caught and overrun by a medium sized zombie horde with nothing in your hand but your garden hose nozzle, or is so far in denial that you’re still mailing bill payments to now non-existent companies, weeks after zombie hordes have eaten their way across the country, I suggest that you pay a little more attention to what’s right in front of you, instead of leaning forward so far that you end up falling right on your face.

     Well, we’ve always said that we here at HARRUMPH will be your guide… will be your “air raid siren” of impending danger… will be your own personal apocalyptic savant, and now we fulfill that responsibility by making “the call.”  Yes, you’ve heard right, we’re saying it now.  We’re saying it loud.  We’re saying it for all you lame “pre-zombies” to hear.  It’s the end of the world.  Stop paying your bills.  Load and stack magazines.  Board up the house and gas up the armored car.  Zombies are coming.  Put that finishing touch on your razor-sharp samurai sword and drop those ninja stars in the pockets of your army surplus BDU’s.  Remember to flip the safety off and only go for headshots, they are zombies after all.

     Oh, and if you still find yourself ignoring rule number one, don’t show up at my house thinking you’re gonna get a free ride on my supplies.  About the only thing you’ll get from me will come in .223 caliber.  Harrumph…

* Butter shortages actually only caused by increased White House demand on fresh lobster.

Poll #033: Apocalypse Now?

            Klaus Hergersheimer here, “G” section.  We’re conducting this week’s poll to help improve our autonomous robot decision making computer programming.  Please read the choices and vote for which one most closely represents what actions you would take during a world-ending apocalyptic event.  Something on the order of a giant meteor strike, hungry alien invasion, or zombie apocalypse.  Next week we will tabulate the results and let you know what each choice reveals about your inner self.

Poll #32 ends. What do we do with Tilikum, the “killer” whale?

     The following is another excerpt from a recently discovered journal believed to belong to Amelia Earhart’s unnamed and almost unknown navigator, written during their long, but doomed flight around the world in 1937 which was believed to end in the South Pacific at the hands of sneaky Japanese fighter pilots after she discovered Admiral Yamamoto’s dastardly plan to attack Pearl Harbor.

July 7, 1937: Uncharted South Pacific island.  Well, we’ve survived the crash and have stripped out everything useful from the plane.  Looks like the natives were right.  Soon after our departure from Lae, we saw a group of marauding planes.  Amelia thinks they were Japanese.  We turned south to avoid them but then, just our luck, they turned south also.  They didn’t see us because there were a few clouds between us but they kept pushing us off course, southward.  Many hours later we shook them and turned eastward again but by now we were a thousand or more miles off course.  I told Amelia that we should turn west and make for Australia but she wanted to continue east and try for Fiji.  Well, sure enough, after another hour we were jumped by two Japanese fighters and they shot us full of holes.  Amelia was able to set it down on the shore of this uncharted desert isle but we’ve got no phone, no lights, no motor cars, not a single luxury.  But, if we plan well and don’t get caught by a Japanese raiding party I think we’ll be ok.

October 12, 1937:  It’s been about three months and no rescue.  Heck, they’re probably all looking two thousand miles to the north, where our original course was.

May 3, 1940:  I can’t keep eating coconuts.  Three years of eating coconuts is enough to drive anyone crazy.  Now, half the time when I look at Amelia she looks like a roasted chicken like you would see in the cartoons.  Yeah, maybe a skinny chicken that won’t shut up but a skinny roasted chicken regardless…

November 1, 1941:  Amelia is frantic.  She keeps telling me about the “Japanese sneak attack plan” she discovered before we departed on the last leg of our historic, but ill-fated flight.  Saying she’s got to get to U.S. territory to warn the President about the Japanese.  Once I caught her wading out to sea on her way to the white house.  I had to hit her on the head with a frying pan to stop her.

August 13, 1943:  Lot’s of activity the last few years.  Planes flying overhead and smoke on the horizon.  We haven’t been able to attract the attention of any of them.  Must be big things happening.  Amelia keeps walking around in circles saying “I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.”

June or July, 1956:  It’s been a long time.  From time to time we see a plane but other than that you would think we were the last people on Earth.  Every now and then we see a really bright light to the northeast followed by tall storm clouds that kinda look like giant mushrooms… weird.

1960:  Saw some killer whales swim by the island and it reminded me of my dream of starting an airline.  They were feeding on some seals off shore that were heading south for the summer.  Man, I’d hate to have one of them looking to make a meal of me.  I think Amelia’s finally gone ‘round the bend.  She’s gone completely native and walks around wearing only her cargo shorts.  Damn, wish she had bigger boobs.

1964:  Crazy storm last night, worst one I’ve seen since we were stranded here.  This morning we discovered that a tiny boat was shipwrecked on the lagoon and seven people have taken over the south half of the island.  Amelia thinks they’re Japanese spies but I think they’re just a figment of our imagination.  I mean they’re the weirdest group of bungling fools I’ve ever seen.  There’s the skipper and his first mate, a man and woman that dress like they’re millionaires going out for a night on the town, A woman wearing a long slinky dress who acts like she’s Mae West, a geeky “professor” type and a girl who looks like she just stepped off of a farm.  We’re gonna hide in the jungle awhile just to make sure they’re ok.  Oh well, if they are real, they’re gonna be here for a long, long time, they'll have to make the best of things, ‘cause it's an uphill climb…

Harrumph File #062 04.04.2011_Tilikum Part Deux: The Case For Whale Control

     Veteran Harrumphians will surely remember Tilikum, the killer whale who, one year ago, ate his third human being when he dragged his trainer by the ponytail into the hellish depths of a performance tank.  For those of you who may be new to the Harrumph Files I refer you to Harrumph File #005 for more information.

     Well, Tilikum is back and performing at SeaWorld.  How can this be, you ask?    The answer, quite simply, rests before the revolving doors of our broken justice system.  Yes, instead of taking my advice of one year ago; namely to rid our society of this modern day Willie Horton, the justice system has decided to put him “back on the street” in a manner of speaking.  And this leads us to the inevitable question:  when will he kill again?

Land-capable killer whales...now no one's safe.

     How many more must die at the hands, err… flippers, of this three-time killer before we seriously consider sensible whale control laws?  And don’t talk to me about your constitutional rights to keep and bear whales.  When the framers addressed whales in our founding documents it was a different world.  People needed whales back then.  There’s no real reason for people, except for sports fishermen and licensed entertainment venues, to possess or use whales today.  Especially evil-looking and dangerous “assault” whales, like Orcas.  In fact, a study by Whale Control, Inc. shows that you’re ate, correction, eight times more likely to be killed by a whale you keep in your house than using one to stop a crime.  Of course, these statistics are disputed by the NWA (National Whale Association,) but everyone knows they’re just a bunch of kooks clinging to their whales and their religion.  The NWA states that over two million crimes are prevented each year by citizens exercising their constitutional right to keep and bear whales.  They further state that those numbers are underreported since many crimes are prevented when a law-abiding citizen merely “brandishes” a whale and that statistics are only kept on actual whale bitings.

     Now, I have agreed with the NWA in the past, but recently they have shifted from their historical representation of sportsmen and fishermen to pushing for looser whale control laws and that is where we part company.    I believe in sensible whale control, whereas the NWA lobbies for things like more concealed carry of whales in public; I don’t know about you, but I sure couldn’t enjoy a nice Denny’s grand slam breakfast knowing that any yahoo in the restaurant could be carrying a concealed whale.  And, what about the NWA’s stance on “high capacity” whale tanks?  Where 2, 3, or even 4 whales could be lurking?  Why would anyone need a tank that holds 4 whales?  I propose limiting whale tank size to 2 whales.

     For further support I direct you to other countries where whales have been all but outlawed.  There hasn’t been a whale-caused death in England for over a century.  And as for the NWA’s assertion that whale control emboldens dictators, I do admit that after Hitler came to power he did outlaw and confiscate all whales in Germany.  But I must also state that during the entire 12 years that the Third Reich existed, there was not a single whale-caused death.  Face it people, whales have no place in today’s society.  We need to pass a constitutional amendment repealing the right to keep and bear whales before it’s too late.

     Remember, people don’t kill people, whales do.  Harrumph…