Scientists have
been struggling with one overriding idea since 1977. Yes, they have done other things in the last 35 years like
develop cell phones, UAVs, and even those monstrosities of the roads known as
the Toyota Prius (just wait 20 years when our landfills are packed with all the
toxic batteries from these things and your kids start growing a second
head. Remember, you heard it here
first.) But, when they’ve finished
their workday and they’re sitting alone in a darkened laboratory, surrounded by
bubbling beakers full of the latest Nyquil formula or electrodes emitting
miniature lightning into space, what is it that they all pull out of locked
drawers, secured with a key that only they possess?
Yes, that’s
right. “The plans.” The thing they’ve been working on,
perfecting, doodling with ever since they first saw Luke Skywalker create a
brave new world with the flick of the switch of his fathers' light saber. The “whoosh” sound as the blade appears; the
ease with which he handles this weapon from a “more civilized age.” From that moment on it was decided. I will be the one that develops a
working light saber. I will conquer
physics. I will become the first
Jedi.
Sadly, it has not
come to be. There are too many problems
to overcome. Among them: How to power
it? How to get light to stop three feet
from the projector? How to get light
beams to clash against one another without passing through each other? And probably the most vexing problem: How to get George Lucas to let you call it a
“light saber?”
Well, I am here
to say that I have solved all these problems. I have developed plans for an actual working light saber and I
will share them with you, the humble Harrumphian. Many have asked me, why will you publish these plans? Why share your secret? Simple, as soon as these plans hit the
internet, they are published. The
intellectual idea will forever be mine.
Anyone that copies, produces, or otherwise uses these plans without my
permission will have the pants sued off of them, or face the trial of a
thousand crocodiles, I haven’t decided which yet.
So, here are the
plans (see accompanying diagram.) And
the problems I alluded to earlier, you ask?
Ok, let’s take them one at a time.
Power unit. “It’ll take a
nuclear plant to power your light saber.”
So this is what I’ve heard. Ok,
so miniaturize a nuclear plant and put it in the rear grip. We’ve miniaturized many things in the past
35 years. Remember when cell phones first
came out? Or how about those tiny
little R/C helicopters they make?
Finally, what about all these “nano-machines” they’re developing? Sure, they’ll soon be the downfall of
civilization, but that’s for a future Harrumph. So, Mr. engineer, I’ve given you 99% of what you need, now just
shrink that nuke down and put it to work.
Now, I solve the
second and third problems together: how to get the light beam to stop three
feet from the projector and how to solve the fact that light beams will just
pass through each other if you’re dueling with another light saber equipped
antagonist. Easy, you don’t use light
beams. Look, light beams go on forever,
they don’t just stop. Even if you could
get them to stop you still face the problem that they’re light beams. They won’t stop if they hit another light
beam. So, you could have a duel with
your friend, just without all the cool dueling. You may as well use flashlights like you did when you were seven.
So, if we don’t
use light, what do we use? Super heated
plasma coating a super thin, but incredibly strong carbon fiber tube. It would work just like the toy light sabers
you can buy at Disneyland. You push a
button and the carbon fiber tube springs from the saber body, covered with the
super heated plasma. Now you can have a
real duel! The plasma will cut through
anything, just like in the movies. And,
if you’re fighting a saber equipped sith, the carbon fiber tubes will give you
the dueling aspects that are, quite frankly, required if you are to participate
in this kind of thing. And, the super
heated plasma will be so bright that you won’t even see the carbon tubes and
you can choose your color! What
would you choose? Yoda green, Skywalker
blue, Vader red or maybe even another?
Only Mace Windu could get away with carrying a purple saber.
As far as the
engineering aspects of the carbon fiber tubes and plasma containment, once
again Mr. engineer, here’s your 99%, you have to figure out the rest. Tiny helicopters… working light saber… you
can do it.
Finally,
the highest hurdle; the biggest problem; something that even Mr. engineer can’t
help me with. The problem that every
light saber enthusiast has had to face.
If you could power it; if you could engineer it; if
you could produce it. What to call
it? Of course, it can only be called
one thing: a light saber (don’t quibble with me about the light vs. plasma
thing, what would you call it, a plasma saber? C’mon.) And there’s the rub. Even if you produced a “light saber” made of
old toilet paper rolls taped together, decorated using sharpies while carrying
around a tape recorder with sound effects from the movies scenes, George Lucas
would sue you into the next galaxy before you finished taping the first one
together. So here’s my solution: cut
him in on the deal. That’s right, you
may be selling these things faster than the latest Iphone, but old uncle George
is gonna have to get his slice of the pie.
As long as you cut him in for 10 or 12 cents per unit, he’ll be
happy. Because marketing is what Star
Wars is all about anyway, isn’t it? And
you thought all Evil Geniuses lived in castles surrounded by moats filled with
crocodiles… may the force be with you… Harrumph…
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