As you will
recall, when The Harrumph Files were first released upon an unsuspecting
public, I informed you that one of the main reasons for expending my precious
time to write, edit, & post (at great expense, mind you) these files is to
keep you, Mr. & Mrs. John Q. Public, informed and aware of potential
threats to our republic, our planet, and our very way of life. Today, I am issuing what could be the very
last “Official Harrumph Files Alert.”
Not because there aren’t many things to warn you about but because I may
not have a chance to issue further warnings.
Yes, this one
might very well be “the big one.” The
extinction level event; the 12.0 of earthquakes; the 30-mile wide asteroid; the
200 foot tall tsunami; the invading aliens that actually use encryption
techniques that humans can’t get around in a two-hour movie (really, does
anyone actually think that Jeff Goldblum is that smart? Heck, he actually turned into a really gross
fly-thing because he wasn’t smart enough to put a screen door on his
teleportation pods. Hey genius, how
about installing a computer that can tell if more than one life form is in the
pod and aborts the process before you transmogrify into a half human, half fly
freak? And, about the aliens in
“Independence Day:” what, was there a USB port in the alien space ship, or did
they have a WiFi “hotspot” in the mothership that he could use to upload the
shield-dropping virus into? C’mon, it’s
not like the mothership was an intergalactic Starbucks or something…
Jeeze.) Look, sorry to get off track
here but that’s been bugging me ever since “Independence Day” came out & I
just had to get it off my chest.
 |
| It's the end of the world as we know it. |
Ok, back to the
reason for the “ultimate” Harrumph Files alert. So, a bunch of wild animals got loose in Ohio recently when the
owner opened the gates & then killed himself. Yes, it was tragic to see all these animals shot dead. Yes, they should’ve been taken better care
of. Yes, it was a waste of good animal
pelts (well, they were dead and I could’ve got a nice pimp-like tiger
stripe coat outta the deal or maybe an actual lion’s head to wear around on
Halloween, or even at the office!) Yes,
it was all of these things, but that’s not the reason for the alert. You see, I believe that this incident could
signal the end of the world as we know it… and I don’t feel fine.
As the news
followed the story they kept us abreast of the tally of animals that were
killed, captured, and MIA. At one point
the TV listed the story as: “Ohio Sheriff: Mountain Lion, Grizzly Bear, &
Monkey still loose.” Now, I know that
good, decent, midwestern children (sadly though, not scarecrows & tinmen)
know how to handle lions & tigers & bears in the wild. Usually a simple slap across the face will
suffice. However, I don’t think they
can handle lions & monkeys & bears… oh my! And that’s where the difficulties lie. You see, you can always slap a cowardly lion
or tiger or bear into shape, but monkeys, as we all know, are just plain evil. A simple slap will not do, especially for
the flying kind.
And I also want
to know, as the mountain lion, grizzly bear, & monkey were still on the
lamb… did they cut out on their own, or were they sticking together? I think we all know that if they stayed
together they would’ve been a much harder foe to vanquish. Of course, I’m sure the monkey was running
the entire show. Later, the sheriff
reported that there was only a wuf (I think that he meant a “wolf,” but sure
enough, rerun the tape & you’ll see: he said “wuf”) and that pesky monkey
still loose.
Hmmm, no
mountain lion, no grizzly bear, just a wuf and a monkey evading the
authorities. Now, my theory is as
follows: the monkey, bear, & lion run into a wuf (either a wild one or a
fellow escapee, it doesn’t matter) and the monkey realizes that it’s only a
matter of time before the police notice a freakin’ lion and bear running around
(it’s not really easy to hide when you’re 800 pounds!) and convinces the lion
& bear to strike out on their own, maybe faking a leg injury and telling
them that he’ll only slow them down.
Then, after they’re gone he convinces the wuf to join up with him. The bear & lion end up as living room
rugs and the monkey’s got protection & a ride that most people will only
think is a stray dog wearing a monkey backpack. Very tricky.
So,
here’s the reason for the alert: the
monkey is still on the loose, people.
And apparently this monkey is a thinking, conniving, depraved
monstrosity hell-bent on world domination.
Obviously the monkey somehow forced the owner to release the other wild
animals, knowing the havoc it would create… and the opportunity for him to make
good his escape. I also don’t think
it’s a coincidence that this evil monkey (I know, it’s redundant) made his
escape soon after a Planet of the Apes movie was released (even if it did suck
and had no real apes in it.) Well, I
for one will not live on a planet ruled by apes! A planet ruled by horse riding, clothes wearing, talking apes who
see us humans as a scourge to be destroyed!
Colonel George Taylor asked a question back in 1968: “A planet where apes evolved from men? There’s got to be an answer.” Here is your answer Taylor, and our
destiny. Harrumph…
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