As you recall,
the management of HARRUMPH has established that our illustrious leader, H.A.
Rrumph has taken personal command of our glorious armies as they advance into
the very heart of the vile enemy forces defending Disneyland. We now go live to our correspondent in the
field, Colonel Oliver South. He is
transmitting from the Adventureland/New Orleans Square front where
Commander-in-Chief and Grand Generalissimo H.A. Rrumph leads our troops in the
latest assault on the vile & despicable enemy cartoon characters defending
the “Pirates of the Caribbean” attraction.
Colonel
South: “Oliver South here, reporting
from the front lines. We are currently
mopping up the final resistance in the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction, New
Orleans Square. As you can see, the
entire façade of the ride has been blown away from repeated attack helicopter
strikes. Let me tell you, it has been
one heck of a fight. These cartoon
characters, which comprise most of the criminal Disney army, are tough
opponents for our brave and intrepid soldiers.
However, with skill and perseverance our glorious armies continue to
root out the hated enemy.
“It has been a
tough fight from the very beginning when, after years of provocation from the
enemy, HARRUMPH liberation forces, acting solely in self-defense, finally were
permitted to take the fight to the enemy on their own ground. As I said, the fight has been difficult from
the start. In our advance up Main
Street our men had to contend with roadblocks hastily thrown up by retreating
Disney security forces. Cartoon snipers
delayed our advance and took a bloody toll.
“As our fighting
men pushed past the Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room and into Adventureland they
were met with stiff resistance, even tougher than the fight on Main
Street. Well, we found out why after
several prisoners related stories of the Disney security police shooting
deserters. Despicable conduct from a
despicable foe.
“As out troops
began an amphibious assault in the Jungle Cruise area an IED exploded in the
bazaar as a company of our troops were passing through. Once again, despicable tactics from these
creatures. In fact, the company of
soldiers that was hit was a medical support unit caring for enemy wounded in
the bazaar and passing out candy to refugee children. Fortunately, the IED was just a group of old Disney balloons, so
when they exploded it only made a “pop” sound, no casualties. Pffft… toons…
“As the
amphibious assault went in at the Jungle Cruise, HARRUMPH special forces
heli-casted into the “Tarzan” tree house.
After a brief firefight, documents, in Tarzan & Jane’s own
handwriting, were found, implicating them in the disappearance of the Swiss
family Robinson (declared “neutrals” in the war.)
 |
| Our glorious armies advance upon the vile enemy! To victory, and beyond! |
“The real story
here took place once Adventureland was secured. Various and scattered toon battalions were in full retreat when
they were stopped at the Pirates attraction by the Disney secret police, led by
their infamous chief, Goofy. He quickly,
if not clumsily, organized a skirmish line to delay our forces (they had
actually only stopped to rearm & resupply,) while retreating with the bulk
of his forces into the attraction itself.
“Once our
helicopter attack neutralized his outposts our troops entered the
building. Here they met the enemy. Our troops were prepared for a pitched
battle. However, Goofy had armed his
criminals with prop weapons from the ride and they were quickly defeated. Long lines of cartoon prisoners are now
being led out in toon-proof handcuffs to the waiting vats of ‘Dip.’
“Colonel Oliver
South reporting from New Orleans Square.
To victory, and beyond!”
Harrumph…
Toon-proof handcuffs? Do they exist?
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