Harrumph File #088 10.02.2011_ Yes, Virginia, There Are Monster Claws

FROM THE EDITORS:

     We take pleasure in answering at once and thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that it’s faithful author is numbered among the friends of THE HARRUMPH FILES.

“Dear Editor:  I am eight years old.

“Some of my little friends say there are no monster claws.

“Papa says ‘If you see it in THE HARRUMPH FILES it’s so.’

“Pleas tell me the truth;  Are there monster claws?

                                  “Virginia O’Hanlon

“115 West Ninety-fifth street

     VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

     Yes, Virginia, there are monster claws.  They exist as certainly as fear and trepidation exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest feelings of dread and consternation.  They lurk in the dark corners of seldom used rooms.  They scuttle and swarm in the dead space below your bed.  They congregate in the dim, foreboding corners of the back of your clothes closet.

     Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no monster claws. It would be as strange as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to offset the evil of monsters and their sharp, pointy claws. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

     Not believe in monster claws! You might as well not believe in other mythical creatures that no one has ever seen! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the dark corners and under every bed to catch lurking monsters, but even if they did not see the monsters that are surely there, what would that prove?  Monsters are tricky.  Monsters are quick and fast.  Monsters anticipate the exact moment that a child pulls the covers away from the underside of the bed, as they try to catch them in the act of pouncing from under the bed.  Otherwise, how could that creepy clown doll from “Poltergeist” have snuck up on the kid and attacked him just as the kid thought he was safe?  Remember jumping in your seat at the theater when that happened?  He got you too!

     So yes, VIRGINIA, you can look forward to years and years of cowering in fear under your covers at night, knowing that just a blanket width away is a monster with razor-like claws (and really bad breath) just waiting for you to stick your foot out so they can grab it; or daring you to get out of bed and creep across a silent room to close that closet door that you knew was closed when the lights went out but now is mysteriously open… and appears to be opening wider ever so slowly… as if an unknown force is pushing it open from inside the closet.  And even if you make it to the closet and successfully trap the monster inside, you’ll still have to make it back onto the bed and under the covers, where you’re “safe.”  Can you leap from the floor to the bed with enough clearance to prevent a long monster arm from reaching out from under the bed and grabbing your ankle, just when you think you’ve made it?  There’s only one way to know VIRGINIA… Muahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      And, for those skeptics out there who do not believe that there are truly monster claws causing mischief in the night; thumping around and making all kinds of rackets as you try to sleep; eating slippers in the middle of the night; breathing their horrid, monster breath on you or nibbling your fingers and ears incessantly, I have provided proof.  Proof in the form of pictures.  Pictures of the monster that lives in my house.

            Oh wait a minute, that’s no monster, it’s just Miss Peeps.  Harrumph…