Harrumph File #092 11.06.2011_The Walking Dead

     So, when AMC first announced that they were filming the new series “The Walking Dead” I couldn’t wait for it.  You see, I grew up watching George A. Romero’s classics, “Night of the Living Dead” and “Dawn of the Dead” on shows like KTVU’s “Creature Features” starring Bob Wilkins and his ever present cigar (try that format in today’s PC environment!)  As such, I am prepared for the zombie apocalypse… in fact some may say that I hope for the zombie apocalypse.  Food, water, ammo (actually, it’s just an earthquake kit… yeah right, an earthquake kit.)  Even the Rrumph children have been trained to react instantly to the possibility of a zombie apocalypse.  So much so that recently, while Mrs. Rrumph & I were celebrating my birthday at Disneyland during Halloween time, they dressed up as a horde of zombies and surprised me coming out of the hotel elevator.  Of course, they had to clear with Mrs. Rrumph that I didn’t have a concealed carry weapon permit, which could’ve lead to a horrific scene of instant reaction head shots.

     Anyway, so after seeing the initial classics (cool) and then spiraling into the just downright embarrassing later Romero zombie flicks that sucked (i.e. “Diary” and “Survival,”)  stupid “campy” zombie flicks where they chant “brains” over & over (c’mon, everyone knows that zombies can’t talk… and they eat everything except the bones, not just brains) and newer remakes of remakes (2004’s “Dawn of the Dead”) where they’ve got running zombies (no, everyone knows that zombies don’t run, they “shamble,”) or, even worse, zombies that crawl on walls or ceilings, I was waiting for a good, realistic zombie series.  Well, I’m still waiting.

     Ok, ok, yeah the special effects are really good.  And, although the zombies move a little faster than a shamble, at least they’re not “sprinters” like in 2004’s “Dawn.”  But, I have to tell you, the writing for the show sucks.

     First of all, the survivors are supposed to be in the deep south of the U.S.A., Georgia, to be exact.  About all they’ve got for weaponry are a couple of shotguns, a hunting rifle, a crossbow, and a few handguns (and about 13 rounds of ammo for all of ‘em.)  C’mon, writers, there’d be weapons all over the place.  Recently the survivors were trying to get through a huge roadblock of hundreds of abandoned cars.  When they (finally) searched through them, all they found for weapons was a bag of machetes.  Really, writers?  They’re in Georgia and in all these cars (that were packed full of luggage and stuff) all they found were machetes?

     The group finds their way to the CDC in Atlanta and one of the first things they tell the lone survivor of the CDC staff is that they haven’t eaten for three days.  I’m sorry, what about all those abandoned houses you passed on your way to Atlanta?  You think that maybe they would’ve had a few canned goods on the shelves that you could’ve eaten?  Ummm… aren’t there any Walmarts in Georgia?  Maybe you could’ve looted a few handy items (food, weapons, ammo?)  Oh yeah, as you approached the CDC building didn’t you see the Army machine gun positions that you walked by?  You think that maybe there might be a couple of M-16’s lying around?  There were at least two fifty cal barrels sticking up in the air (not to mention the tank out front.  How about checking to see if there’s any gas in it?  I’d love to see one of these guys jump in a tank and race it up & down Atlanta’s streets, crowded with zombies!  Ho ho, what a ride!)

So, I'm fleeing Atlanta & you're supposed to think that I'll sit in that traffic jam instead of using the opposite lanes?  C'mon!

     And what about driving around in 1970’s vintage vehicles?  I mean, really… maybe that’s the Winnebago you drove to the Grand Canyon in back in 1977 but now is not the time to be sentimental.  We’ve been waiting for that radiator hose you warned us about since episode one to break at just the wrong moment.  Once again, are there no RV dealerships in Georgia?  Time to go shopping and pick yourself out a couple of nice, brand new, bus-sized survival vehicles and duke them up with sheet metal shutters, loop holes, and anti-zombie push bumpers.  C’mon, let’s be real about this, huh?

     My gosh, I had such high hopes for this series but all I keep seeing is a bunch of idiots self-destructing, arguing, and making all kinds of bad decisions.  How can you make a plan where you use road flares to distract a zombie horde into leaving a place that you want to get into, and then not having any flares to throw to make your escape?  It says a lot when my favorite character is the assbag hick with the crossbow.  While everyone else is running around like chickens with their heads cut off, he’s adapting to the new reality. 

     As a group, they’re just not thinking.  Hello, loot a few houses.  Upgrade your vehicles.  Attack zombies as a group, not in ones & twos.  Hotwire that ambulance you passed by.  And, if the only doctor that’s left on earth is a veterinarian, don’t throw a hissy fit when he’s gonna operate on your son.  If you think you can do better, grab the scalpel yourself.

     *sigh*  I’m just getting tired of watching these idiots shamble  & stumble through week after week… and I’m not talking about the zombies.  I’m beginning to think that the title “The Walking Dead” is referring to the humans so now I’ve come full circle and I’m rooting for the zombies.  Harrumph…