*Sigh* Today I am upon the horns of a dilemma. Between the devil & the deep blue
sea. Faced with Hobson’s choice (or for
those of you with no literary experience, a Catch-22.) Between a rock and a hard space (note: not
the same as between the devil & the deep blue sea, just very, very, very
similar but different in every sense.)
As you all know,
One of my primary objectives here on the Harrumph Files, is to alert you to the
dangers that we all face as we live our lives day to day. I have alerted you to the increasing danger
of the Zombie Apocalypse (just wait… December, 2012 will see the walking dead…
walk… or at least I’ll be looking for them;) bears, just waiting to jump
out & maul everyone at the slightest provocation; berserk elephants,
carnies, smarmy idiots, Canadians, and even Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. But, as any Harrumphian will already know,
the greatest danger we face are the ChiComs.
They lurk in the
shadows, waiting… observing… recording… spying. In fact, according to the CIA World Fact Book (and Wikepedia)
approximately one third of the population of Washington D.C. are communist
Chinese spies.* They bribe our
politicians to acquire submarine propeller technology. They buy aircraft carriers from bankrupt
former Soviet republics to beef up their navy.
They scrape stealth paint off of our crashed helicopters. They bootleg our DVDs and CDs by the
million. They haven’t invented anything
on their own since they first produced spaghetti noodles and fed them to Marco
Polo (fish out of water…)
 |
| Column A and column B!!!!! |
Ok, well they do
have one awesome thing that I must give them props for… take out Chinese
food. Small, cartoned bundles of
deliciousness decorated with tiny pagodas that even warm the heart of a heartless
evil genius like myself. And this is my
dilemma. Where to get my quota of
Chinese delicacies after the carpet bombing?
Who will provide the denizens of the bunker with boxed yumminess after
we start marching them into the sea at Hong Kong and Shanghai 12 abreast (An
increase over the 8 abreast that I have advocated up until now… efficiency,
don’t you know?)
You see, I want
to take one from column A: Full force
B-2 nuclear bomber strike, MIRVed Peacekeeper ICBM launch, Empty all tubes of
an Ohio-class nuclear missile submarine, B-52 saturation bombing, Plague of a
thousand Predator strikes; and all of column B: Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, Shantou, Shenzhen, Tianjin,
Dongguan, Hangzhou. I know, I know, a
half hour after taking those cities off the map I’ll want to take another 7,
but that’s just the nature of the beast, so to speak.
So what to
do? Eliminate the enemy and face a
future desert devoid of that which we crave, or allow them to continue to exist
and feast on their hot plates of spiced beef (or dog, or monkey, or cat, or
whatever, but is still so yummy that you don’t really care what the animal on
your plate began life as,) sweet & sour pork, garlic chicken… mmmmm… drool…
But they won’t
just exist side by side with us. They
are building their strength. They are
preparing for a showdown. Just as the
last century was known as the American century, they want this century to be
the Chinese century. They crave
for the dynasty of old… and we are the ones in their way. Mark my words people, regardless of whether
we want it or not, war with China is coming.
Prepare for it. Steel yourselves
for what is coming. Stay strong overseas
or we will be fighting hordes of ChiComs as they come across the beaches of
L.A.
We shall fight
them on the seas and oceans. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on
the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall
fight in the hills; we shall never surrender… but if we do, I wonder what kind
of grub they would serve in P.O.W. camps?
Hmmm, I may be in a labor camp, but I’ll take the sweet & sour
shrimp from column A, and the spicy Mongolian beef from column B… Harrumph…
* Not factually correct
But without the Chinese who will supply our (the worlds) pharmacies with cheaply made hastily bought trademarked infringed toys?
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