Everywhere I go
people ask me about the difficulties of running a near-world-wide evil
organization. Actually, if you
subscribe to the right set of principles and regulations, it’s rather easy. So, here at HARRUMPH, we employ the single
most used set of by-laws in the evil industry,
“Robert’s Rules Of Evil Genius-run Organizations,” officially published
in 2010 but used in one way or another for many decades.
These are ten
simple rules that, if strictly adhered to, will place your organization at the
forefront of the evil industry. So,
without further ado, here are “Robert’s Rules Of Evil Genius-run
Organizations.”
Rule #1:
Make sure your evil organization has a cool name/acronym... Muahaha.
Obviously,
evil organizations need to have a name or acronym that they are known by. If they didn’t have a unique name then
minions, anti-evil assets, and even “the press” could get you confused with
other unnamed, evil organizations that might be operating in the same
area. Our acronym is
H.A.R.R.U.M.P.H. You can see what each
letter stands for in the following graphic:
H.
Headquarters of
A.
Antagonistic
R.
Rogues and
R.
Reprobates
U.
Using
M.
Mind control,
P. Psychology, and
H.
Haranguing
Rule #2:
Always reveal your evil plan to anti-evil (never “good”) forces that you
capture so that you may “savor” their shocked reaction... Muahaha.
Everyone has a
need for acceptance and this even includes evil geniuses. In order to receive appropriate accolades
from any foes that are captured in the course of their duties, evil geniuses
are encouraged to explain, usually in great detail, any evil plans they are
working on that a particular anti-evil agent has been sent to thwart. There are several reasons for this. First, by explaining evil plans, the evil
genius can “savor” the reaction of his foes.
This is very important, as it builds the confidence of the evil genius,
which can lead to even greater plans in the future. Also, it is just plain fun to enjoy watching your enemy’s attitude
go from cockiness, to realization, to despair…muahaha!!! You will also note that we refer to foes as
“anti-evil” forces. They are never
referred to as “good” forces or “good” guys.
We do this because they simply are not “good.” They are constantly trying to thwart our plans, arrest our
minions, and eliminate our henchmen.
This is not “good.”
Rule #3:
Always dispose of anti-evil forces that you capture in interesting &
complicated ways that take time, so that you may “savor” the moment of their ultimate
defeat. However, never stick around for the final act, blood is yucky...
Muahaha.
After capturing,
torturing and revealing plans to anti-evil forces, they must be disposed
of. Like most other evil organizations
out there, HARRUMPH policy dictates that prisoners are not simply shot or
beheaded out of hand. This is just not
evil enough. Disposal of prisoners
should always follow some kind of logic which leads to the “ultimate” act. The run up to the end should take time so
that the Minion-in-Charge, or even the Evil Genius himself, if present, can
enjoy the squirmings and lamentations of the anti-evil character being disposed
of. Time also forces the “disposee” to
confront his (or her) final demise.
Never stay through the final act though, you don’t want to get blood on
your tunic or show weakness by vomiting.
Rule #4:
Recruit only interesting and unique “characters” as minions and henchmen. At
least one minion should wear leather gloves at all times. Also, henchmen should have some kind of “special
ability” or skill with a particularly weird or obscure weapon... Muahaha.
Minions and
henchmen are the “face” of an evil organization. As such, they will be the ones that project an initial impression
for opponents, competitors, and the public.
You always want to form a good first impression. This is very important, especially in
today’s competitive environment.
Therefore, minions should always “stand out” from the crowd. At HARRUMPH, we like to hire interesting
characters that people will be more apt to remember. We certainly don’t want another evil organization getting credit
for our work! Henchmen are the “muscle”
behind evil plans, and as such, they should possess some kind of special
ability with a unique or obscure weapon.
This adds to the impression that our organization is special.
Rule #5:
Minions are numbered. Henchmen are
nicknamed... Muahaha.
Historically,
minions are numbered (notice the beauty of this idea: you can have an infinite
number of minions!) and henchmen should always be named after their special
ability or something else “catchy.”
Always use the title “Number” when speaking to minions (i.e. “Number
Five, destroy them all!”) this fosters
a professional environment. HARRUMPH
names our henchmen after their special ability if possible, this helps terrify
our opponents and make our operations more memorable (i.e. “Gas cloud, snuff
out the hostages! Muahahaha!”)
Rule #6:
Always pit minions against each other, so that no one minion becomes strong
enough to overthrow your evil organization... Muahaha.
This rule should
need no explaining. Minions learn their
evil craft from the evil genius himself, if they learn too well they could
become a threat. Pitting minions
against each other helps to keep the advantage.
Rule #7:
Practice your evil laugh every day... Muahaha.
You always want
to project an image of “command.” By
practicing your evil laugh you will be able to perfect it, allowing you to
intimidate any “anti-evil” forces which you encounter, as well as your minions. Make sure your minions know that when the
Evil Genius laughs, they had better be prepared to participate. Neglecting this simple, yet effective evil
tool is foolhardy and should be avoided.
Besides, it puts you in an excellent mood. A seasoned evil genius will
combine his (or her) laugh with the “Finger Pyramid of Evil
Contemplation.” However, this is an
advanced technique and should only be employed once the evil laugh is mastered.
Rule #8:
Always think “big” when considering your evil plans. Blueprints are helpful...
Muahaha.
Always “think
big.” After all, if you’re not playing
in the big leagues, why play at all?
Also, using blueprints to explain your plans to your minions lends an
air of professionalism to your evil tasks.
Rule #9: Invest
in an interesting pet. They help to
relieve the stress of running an evil empire. Fill the moat of your stronghold
with sharks or another cool man-killer... Muahaha.
Our favorite
interesting pet here at HARRUMPH is “Princess Pez.” You can see her Pezventures on YouTube channel
WarmBlanketStudios. Our moat is usually
filled with crocodiles who are feed once a month to keep them hungry so they
are more effective in the many “trials of a thousand crocodiles” that are
conducted at HARRUMPH.
 |
| Prepare to face the trial of a thousand crocodiles!! Muahaha! |
Rule #10:
Trust no one... Muahaha.
Inform your
minions to not become offended if the Evil Genius does not seem to trust
them. It’s not personal, it’s just
business. Harrumph…
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