Harrumph File #080 08.07.2011_ Evil Geniuses… Sheesh!

     You know, there’s really only one thing an evil genius despises.  No, it’s not the fact that evil geniuses have an approval rating lower than the U.S. Congress, or that they’re always being chased by “anti-evil” government forces like James Bond.  They don’t despise barking dogs, cable TV, mustard (as a group anyway,) or even the ChiComs.  What evil geniuses really despise… are other evil geniuses.  Yes, you heard right, evil geniuses just can’t stand each other.

     And why, you ask?  It’s really rather simple.  There’s only so many things that evil geniuses can do; rob banks, steal jewels, hold various national monuments or treasures for ransom, and try to take over the world.  As my evil genius grandmother used to say: “too many cooks spoil the broth.”  The broth, in this case, being the world’s booty.  I mean, it would be very embarrassing if, for example, I, as an evil genius, plan an elaborate break-in attempt at the Bank of England to steal millions of pounds sterling; gather minions and henchmen; construct a sophisticated diversion using the latest in computer hacking technology; and set up a get-away in the latest cool helicopters (painted a glossy black to add that just right evil touch,) only to break in from my tunnel and find out that some other evil genius just left the vault with all the goods 10 minutes ago through his own elaborate tunnel system and is even now flying away in his own cool, glossy black evil helicopter.  ARRRGGG!!!!  I hate when that happens!

     Very rarely do evil geniuses actually get together and cooperate.  In fact, only once has it been documented and I’m sure you remember it well.  The Joker, The Penguin, The Riddler, and Catwoman (the second hottest one played by Lee Meriwether) joined forces to eliminate the Dynamic Duo of Batman & Robin in 1966.  As you know, their dastardly plot failed.  But not only due to the fighting ability and prowess of the Dynamic Duo, but also because they were practically fighting each other over who was in charge; who was going to provide the henchmen & the cool, evil-looking submarine; whose plan they were going to follow; who was going to pull the final lever on Batman & Robin once they were captured; and who had first dibs on Catwoman after the operation was completed.

     Yes, I must admit, evil geniuses are rather egotistical.  Why else would we name our minions “Number One,” and “Number Two?”  Evil geniuses just don’t mix well and, if you must know, each evil genius has, in addition to an “anti-evil” nemesis like Napoleon Solo and Illya Kullyakin, an evil nemesis.  Someone who is just as evil, just as devious, just as unforgiving… as I.

I'll bet the farm on that category!

     And who, you ask, is my evil nemesis?  You might guess Dr. No, or Dr. Evil, or even Dr. Claw (ever notice how most evil geniuses are “doctors?”  Here’s a clue: they’re all honorary degrees from the University of Phoenix.)  Well, you might guess any of those but you’d be wrong on all counts.  You see, my evil nemesis is that smarmy, smirking… Alex Trebek.

"What is..."

     Yes, he may have been the host of the world famous “Jeopardy” game show but many people out there just don’t see him for the truly evil force that he is.  He acts as if he actually knows the answers (or questions, if you will) to the questions/answers that he reads.  I’m sorry, but even a HAL9000 computer would have a hard time answering correctly while looking at that ever-present smirk that Trebek sports.  “I’m sorry, HAL but you forgot to give me the formula for Tri-glyseride Sodium Thysulfate Hydrated Silicon Dioxide, which only you and Stephen Hawking know, in the time allotted.  Better luck next time… pick a category.”  Even the name “Trebek” shares some of the same letters as the name “Satan.”  Ok, so maybe they only have one letter in common but you get my point here?

     Alex Trebek would even use his smarmy “force” on Indiana Jones.  JONES: “Well Alex, I believe it is the staff of RA, which was lost for a thousand years before being found in a cave overlooking the mythical valley of the Gwanji following the defeat of the Ostrogoths in the battle of Taginae in July 552.”  TREBEK:  “I’m sorry Doctor Jones, you should have said ‘WHAT IS’ The staff of RA, which was lost for a thousand years before being found in a cave overlooking the mythical valley of the Gwanji following the defeat of the Ostrogoths in the battle of Taginae in July 552.  Next category please.”  I mean, nobody does that to Indiana Jones… nobody!

            So, you see, the life of an evil genius is not all fun and games.  Oh sure, there’s always the enjoyment of counting the ammo in the great wall of ammunition, or recalibrating the automatic controls on the self-actuating, flame-throwing sentry units.  But you always have to have one eye watching for Illya Kullyakin and the other watching for that smarmy Alex Trebek, just waiting for his opportunity to stick that knife in your back.  I’ll take kitchen utensils for 100, Alex.  Harrumph…