Harrumph File #082 08.21.2011_ Who’s Your Favorite President?

     So, as I’m wont to do every now and then, the other day I was polling the minions I had gathered in the HARRUMPH bunker’s board room in order to access their ability to think quickly and creatively.  This time my question (which usually consists of something like “which torture method would be most horrific?” or “which acid melts skin the fastest?”) was “who is your favorite President, and why?”

     Well, I was glad that my minion's answers were not just another reflection of the citizen’s at large.  You see, if you ask this question of the “man on the street” you’ll get the same old list of Washington, Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, and that other guy on Mt. Rushmore that everyone’s forgotten (literally, that’s what people say: “the other guy on Mt. Rushmore.”  Hello people, you can’t even remember the name of the guy who wrote the Declaration of Independence, was the first Secretary of State, made the Louisiana purchase, and died on July 4^th, 1826, the fiftieth anniversary of the declaration and the same day as his most bitter political rival, John Adams?  Doesn’t anyone pay attention in history class anymore?)  And it’s the same old reasons that they list these four also:  “Father of our country,” “freed the slaves,” “led the charge up San Juan hill,” and he’s the “other” guy on Mt. Rushmore.

Hmm, I know most of those guys but who's the girl in the middle?

     *sigh*  How boring.  You see, my favorite president is Andrew Johnson, Lincoln’s Vice-President who assumed office after Lincoln was assassinated by the idiot-savant, John Wilkes Booth.  The only southern senator who did not resign at the outbreak of the Civil War.  The very same Johnson who was impeached in 1868 for being “too conciliatory” toward the former rebellious states in the south.  But, he’s not my favorite president for any of these reasons.  He’s my favorite president because he’s no one else’s…

     Well, as anyone can tell you, my minions are creative, cunning, crafty, and clever, and I expected that their answers would be exceptional.  One of them said his favorite was that guy that dropped the atomic bombs on Japan at the end of World War Two.  Ok, I never said my minions were smart, just creative, cunning, crafty, and clever (in an evil sort of way.)  He couldn’t remember President Truman’s name to save his life, but it was a good answer with a good reason, so I spared him from the “trial of a thousand crocodiles” (you see, you must provide your minions with “motivation” in order to get the most out of them.  There is no “I” in team… but there is in crocodile!  Muahaha!)  My hand wavered above the lever that would drop him into the crocodile pit below the board room.

     Another said JFK because “He got a lot of chicks… and quality ones too, not like Clinton.”  Once again, the crocodiles must wait.

     The third one said his favorite president of all time was Nixon.  Hmmm, “Tricky Dick,” the only president to resign from office?  Creative, cunning, crafty, and clever Nixon?  I liked his answer, but it got even better.  He said that Nixon was his favorite because “he was the only president to actually announce that he was no crook!”  Excellent, minion Number 10, perhaps we will move your number up a couple of slots… Number 6 has not been performing as well and hasn’t been through the trial of a thousand crocodiles in months…

     And then there was poor, unlucky minion Number 13.  And who was 13’s favorite president?  “Hoover, because they named a vacuum after him.”  That’s when I pulled the lever.  Harrumph…