Harrumph File #083 08.28.2011_ Damn the Chinese!

     *Sigh*  Today I am upon the horns of a dilemma.  Between the devil & the deep blue sea.  Faced with Hobson’s choice (or for those of you with no literary experience, a Catch-22.)  Between a rock and a hard space (note: not the same as between the devil & the deep blue sea, just very, very, very similar but different in every sense.) 

     As you all know, One of my primary objectives here on the Harrumph Files, is to alert you to the dangers that we all face as we live our lives day to day.  I have alerted you to the increasing danger of the Zombie Apocalypse (just wait… December, 2012 will see the walking dead… walk… or at least I’ll be looking for them;) bears, just waiting to jump out & maul everyone at the slightest provocation; berserk elephants, carnies, smarmy idiots, Canadians, and even Dr. Bunsen Honeydew.  But, as any Harrumphian will already know, the greatest danger we face are the ChiComs.

     They lurk in the shadows, waiting… observing… recording… spying.  In fact, according to the CIA World Fact Book (and Wikepedia) approximately one third of the population of Washington D.C. are communist Chinese spies.*  They bribe our politicians to acquire submarine propeller technology.  They buy aircraft carriers from bankrupt former Soviet republics to beef up their navy.  They scrape stealth paint off of our crashed helicopters.  They bootleg our DVDs and CDs by the million.  They haven’t invented anything on their own since they first produced spaghetti noodles and fed them to Marco Polo (fish out of water…)

Column A and column B!!!!!

     Ok, well they do have one awesome thing that I must give them props for… take out Chinese food.  Small, cartoned bundles of deliciousness decorated with tiny pagodas that even warm the heart of a heartless evil genius like myself.  And this is my dilemma.  Where to get my quota of Chinese delicacies after the carpet bombing?  Who will provide the denizens of the bunker with boxed yumminess after we start marching them into the sea at Hong Kong and Shanghai 12 abreast (An increase over the 8 abreast that I have advocated up until now… efficiency, don’t you know?)

     You see, I want to take one from column A:  Full force B-2 nuclear bomber strike, MIRVed Peacekeeper ICBM launch, Empty all tubes of an Ohio-class nuclear missile submarine, B-52 saturation bombing, Plague of a thousand Predator strikes; and all of column B:  Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, Shantou, Shenzhen, Tianjin, Dongguan, Hangzhou.  I know, I know, a half hour after taking those cities off the map I’ll want to take another 7, but that’s just the nature of the beast, so to speak.

     So what to do?  Eliminate the enemy and face a future desert devoid of that which we crave, or allow them to continue to exist and feast on their hot plates of spiced beef (or dog, or monkey, or cat, or whatever, but is still so yummy that you don’t really care what the animal on your plate began life as,) sweet & sour pork, garlic chicken… mmmmm… drool…

     But they won’t just exist side by side with us.  They are building their strength.  They are preparing for a showdown.  Just as the last century was known as the American century, they want this century to be the Chinese century.  They crave for the dynasty of old… and we are the ones in their way.  Mark my words people, regardless of whether we want it or not, war with China is coming.  Prepare for it.  Steel yourselves for what is coming.  Stay strong overseas or we will be fighting hordes of ChiComs as they come across the beaches of L.A.

     We shall fight them on the seas and oceans. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender… but if we do, I wonder what kind of grub they would serve in P.O.W. camps?  Hmmm, I may be in a labor camp, but I’ll take the sweet & sour shrimp from column A, and the spicy Mongolian beef from column B… Harrumph…

* Not factually correct

Harrumph File #082 08.21.2011_ Who’s Your Favorite President?

     So, as I’m wont to do every now and then, the other day I was polling the minions I had gathered in the HARRUMPH bunker’s board room in order to access their ability to think quickly and creatively.  This time my question (which usually consists of something like “which torture method would be most horrific?” or “which acid melts skin the fastest?”) was “who is your favorite President, and why?”

     Well, I was glad that my minion's answers were not just another reflection of the citizen’s at large.  You see, if you ask this question of the “man on the street” you’ll get the same old list of Washington, Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, and that other guy on Mt. Rushmore that everyone’s forgotten (literally, that’s what people say: “the other guy on Mt. Rushmore.”  Hello people, you can’t even remember the name of the guy who wrote the Declaration of Independence, was the first Secretary of State, made the Louisiana purchase, and died on July 4^th, 1826, the fiftieth anniversary of the declaration and the same day as his most bitter political rival, John Adams?  Doesn’t anyone pay attention in history class anymore?)  And it’s the same old reasons that they list these four also:  “Father of our country,” “freed the slaves,” “led the charge up San Juan hill,” and he’s the “other” guy on Mt. Rushmore.

Hmm, I know most of those guys but who's the girl in the middle?

     *sigh*  How boring.  You see, my favorite president is Andrew Johnson, Lincoln’s Vice-President who assumed office after Lincoln was assassinated by the idiot-savant, John Wilkes Booth.  The only southern senator who did not resign at the outbreak of the Civil War.  The very same Johnson who was impeached in 1868 for being “too conciliatory” toward the former rebellious states in the south.  But, he’s not my favorite president for any of these reasons.  He’s my favorite president because he’s no one else’s…

     Well, as anyone can tell you, my minions are creative, cunning, crafty, and clever, and I expected that their answers would be exceptional.  One of them said his favorite was that guy that dropped the atomic bombs on Japan at the end of World War Two.  Ok, I never said my minions were smart, just creative, cunning, crafty, and clever (in an evil sort of way.)  He couldn’t remember President Truman’s name to save his life, but it was a good answer with a good reason, so I spared him from the “trial of a thousand crocodiles” (you see, you must provide your minions with “motivation” in order to get the most out of them.  There is no “I” in team… but there is in crocodile!  Muahaha!)  My hand wavered above the lever that would drop him into the crocodile pit below the board room.

     Another said JFK because “He got a lot of chicks… and quality ones too, not like Clinton.”  Once again, the crocodiles must wait.

     The third one said his favorite president of all time was Nixon.  Hmmm, “Tricky Dick,” the only president to resign from office?  Creative, cunning, crafty, and clever Nixon?  I liked his answer, but it got even better.  He said that Nixon was his favorite because “he was the only president to actually announce that he was no crook!”  Excellent, minion Number 10, perhaps we will move your number up a couple of slots… Number 6 has not been performing as well and hasn’t been through the trial of a thousand crocodiles in months…

     And then there was poor, unlucky minion Number 13.  And who was 13’s favorite president?  “Hoover, because they named a vacuum after him.”  That’s when I pulled the lever.  Harrumph…

Harrumph File #081 08.14.2011_ Iowa Straw Pole

     So, I want to know more about this straw pole in Iowa.  What’s up with that?  Why is there a straw pole in Iowa and why is the media making such a big deal about it?  There are politicians running around like chickens with their heads cut off and stuffing hot dogs into their mouths like Oscar Mayer_® is going out of business on Monday.

     And, I want to know why this pole is made out of straw anyway?  Hasn’t anyone learned their lesson?  Doesn’t anyone read anymore?  You have to make things out of brick to be safe from the big, bad wolf.  You can’t even use sticks, much less straw, to make wolf-proof things.  And how do you make a pole out of straw anyway? Would a straw pole be strong enough for a sizeable firefighter to slide down?  And what about straw splinters?  A firefighter can’t hold a fire hose with a hand-full of painful straw splinters, ouch!

     Now, I understand that “back in the day” they had to use straw to make things like roofs for houses, mattress fillings, and maybe they had to use it for poles back then too.  But nowadays we make our poles out of steel, or fiberglass, or even PVC.  Any of these things are much better than straw.  Is there a PVC shortage in Iowa?  Perhaps they just don’t have a wolf problem in Iowa, or it’s like some kind of weird medieval festival gone wrong or something.

     I just don’t get it.  It’s not like supply trucks don’t drive into Iowa with loads of steel and fiberglass.  Heck, they might even have an airport or two that real jets fly into.  Now, I know that the “retro-look” is big right now, but has Iowa turned into a gigantic Amish-like community or something?

     Why make poles out of straw?  I can’t figure this one out.  Poles made out of…(voice from off-page.)  …Yes, I know, they’re made of straw (off-page voice again.)  No, I don’t know why when they’ve got access to technology (once again, off-page voice.)  What? P-O-L-L?  A straw poll, not a straw pole?  Well, yes, that makes much more sense…ummm…(off-page voice.)   Well, no my notes did not make that clear (off-page voice.)  No, I do not deserve to move to “Dunder-head City,” I don’t even think that’s a real city anyway (off-page voice.)  What?  The audience?  Oh yeah, never mind.  Harrumph…

Harrumph File #080 08.07.2011_ Evil Geniuses… Sheesh!

     You know, there’s really only one thing an evil genius despises.  No, it’s not the fact that evil geniuses have an approval rating lower than the U.S. Congress, or that they’re always being chased by “anti-evil” government forces like James Bond.  They don’t despise barking dogs, cable TV, mustard (as a group anyway,) or even the ChiComs.  What evil geniuses really despise… are other evil geniuses.  Yes, you heard right, evil geniuses just can’t stand each other.

     And why, you ask?  It’s really rather simple.  There’s only so many things that evil geniuses can do; rob banks, steal jewels, hold various national monuments or treasures for ransom, and try to take over the world.  As my evil genius grandmother used to say: “too many cooks spoil the broth.”  The broth, in this case, being the world’s booty.  I mean, it would be very embarrassing if, for example, I, as an evil genius, plan an elaborate break-in attempt at the Bank of England to steal millions of pounds sterling; gather minions and henchmen; construct a sophisticated diversion using the latest in computer hacking technology; and set up a get-away in the latest cool helicopters (painted a glossy black to add that just right evil touch,) only to break in from my tunnel and find out that some other evil genius just left the vault with all the goods 10 minutes ago through his own elaborate tunnel system and is even now flying away in his own cool, glossy black evil helicopter.  ARRRGGG!!!!  I hate when that happens!

     Very rarely do evil geniuses actually get together and cooperate.  In fact, only once has it been documented and I’m sure you remember it well.  The Joker, The Penguin, The Riddler, and Catwoman (the second hottest one played by Lee Meriwether) joined forces to eliminate the Dynamic Duo of Batman & Robin in 1966.  As you know, their dastardly plot failed.  But not only due to the fighting ability and prowess of the Dynamic Duo, but also because they were practically fighting each other over who was in charge; who was going to provide the henchmen & the cool, evil-looking submarine; whose plan they were going to follow; who was going to pull the final lever on Batman & Robin once they were captured; and who had first dibs on Catwoman after the operation was completed.

     Yes, I must admit, evil geniuses are rather egotistical.  Why else would we name our minions “Number One,” and “Number Two?”  Evil geniuses just don’t mix well and, if you must know, each evil genius has, in addition to an “anti-evil” nemesis like Napoleon Solo and Illya Kullyakin, an evil nemesis.  Someone who is just as evil, just as devious, just as unforgiving… as I.

I'll bet the farm on that category!

     And who, you ask, is my evil nemesis?  You might guess Dr. No, or Dr. Evil, or even Dr. Claw (ever notice how most evil geniuses are “doctors?”  Here’s a clue: they’re all honorary degrees from the University of Phoenix.)  Well, you might guess any of those but you’d be wrong on all counts.  You see, my evil nemesis is that smarmy, smirking… Alex Trebek.

"What is..."

     Yes, he may have been the host of the world famous “Jeopardy” game show but many people out there just don’t see him for the truly evil force that he is.  He acts as if he actually knows the answers (or questions, if you will) to the questions/answers that he reads.  I’m sorry, but even a HAL9000 computer would have a hard time answering correctly while looking at that ever-present smirk that Trebek sports.  “I’m sorry, HAL but you forgot to give me the formula for Tri-glyseride Sodium Thysulfate Hydrated Silicon Dioxide, which only you and Stephen Hawking know, in the time allotted.  Better luck next time… pick a category.”  Even the name “Trebek” shares some of the same letters as the name “Satan.”  Ok, so maybe they only have one letter in common but you get my point here?

     Alex Trebek would even use his smarmy “force” on Indiana Jones.  JONES: “Well Alex, I believe it is the staff of RA, which was lost for a thousand years before being found in a cave overlooking the mythical valley of the Gwanji following the defeat of the Ostrogoths in the battle of Taginae in July 552.”  TREBEK:  “I’m sorry Doctor Jones, you should have said ‘WHAT IS’ The staff of RA, which was lost for a thousand years before being found in a cave overlooking the mythical valley of the Gwanji following the defeat of the Ostrogoths in the battle of Taginae in July 552.  Next category please.”  I mean, nobody does that to Indiana Jones… nobody!

            So, you see, the life of an evil genius is not all fun and games.  Oh sure, there’s always the enjoyment of counting the ammo in the great wall of ammunition, or recalibrating the automatic controls on the self-actuating, flame-throwing sentry units.  But you always have to have one eye watching for Illya Kullyakin and the other watching for that smarmy Alex Trebek, just waiting for his opportunity to stick that knife in your back.  I’ll take kitchen utensils for 100, Alex.  Harrumph…