Harrumph File #090 10.23.2011_ Lions & Monkeys & Bears, Oh My! (Official Harrumph Files alert… this is not a test.)

     As you will recall, when The Harrumph Files were first released upon an unsuspecting public, I informed you that one of the main reasons for expending my precious time to write, edit, & post (at great expense, mind you) these files is to keep you, Mr. & Mrs. John Q. Public, informed and aware of potential threats to our republic, our planet, and our very way of life.  Today, I am issuing what could be the very last “Official Harrumph Files Alert.”  Not because there aren’t many things to warn you about but because I may not have a chance to issue further warnings.

     Yes, this one might very well be “the big one.”  The extinction level event; the 12.0 of earthquakes; the 30-mile wide asteroid; the 200 foot tall tsunami; the invading aliens that actually use encryption techniques that humans can’t get around in a two-hour movie (really, does anyone actually think that Jeff Goldblum is that smart?  Heck, he actually turned into a really gross fly-thing because he wasn’t smart enough to put a screen door on his teleportation pods.  Hey genius, how about installing a computer that can tell if more than one life form is in the pod and aborts the process before you transmogrify into a half human, half fly freak?  And, about the aliens in “Independence Day:” what, was there a USB port in the alien space ship, or did they have a WiFi “hotspot” in the mothership that he could use to upload the shield-dropping virus into?  C’mon, it’s not like the mothership was an intergalactic Starbucks or something… Jeeze.)  Look, sorry to get off track here but that’s been bugging me ever since “Independence Day” came out & I just had to get it off my chest.

It's the end of the world as we know it.

     Ok, back to the reason for the “ultimate” Harrumph Files alert.  So, a bunch of wild animals got loose in Ohio recently when the owner opened the gates & then killed himself.  Yes, it was tragic to see all these animals shot dead.  Yes, they should’ve been taken better care of.  Yes, it was a waste of good animal pelts (well, they were dead and I could’ve got a nice pimp-like tiger stripe coat outta the deal or maybe an actual lion’s head to wear around on Halloween, or even at the office!)  Yes, it was all of these things, but that’s not the reason for the alert.  You see, I believe that this incident could signal the end of the world as we know it… and I don’t feel fine.

     As the news followed the story they kept us abreast of the tally of animals that were killed, captured, and MIA.  At one point the TV listed the story as: “Ohio Sheriff: Mountain Lion, Grizzly Bear, & Monkey still loose.”  Now, I know that good, decent, midwestern children (sadly though, not scarecrows & tinmen) know how to handle lions & tigers & bears in the wild.  Usually a simple slap across the face will suffice.  However, I don’t think they can handle lions & monkeys & bears… oh my!  And that’s where the difficulties lie.  You see, you can always slap a cowardly lion or tiger or bear into shape, but monkeys, as we all know, are just plain evil.  A simple slap will not do, especially for the flying kind.

     And I also want to know, as the mountain lion, grizzly bear, & monkey were still on the lamb… did they cut out on their own, or were they sticking together?  I think we all know that if they stayed together they would’ve been a much harder foe to vanquish.  Of course, I’m sure the monkey was running the entire show.  Later, the sheriff reported that there was only a wuf (I think that he meant a “wolf,” but sure enough, rerun the tape & you’ll see: he said “wuf”) and that pesky monkey still loose.

     Hmmm, no mountain lion, no grizzly bear, just a wuf and a monkey evading the authorities.  Now, my theory is as follows: the monkey, bear, & lion run into a wuf (either a wild one or a fellow escapee, it doesn’t matter) and the monkey realizes that it’s only a matter of time before the police notice a freakin’ lion and bear running around (it’s not really easy to hide when you’re 800 pounds!) and convinces the lion & bear to strike out on their own, maybe faking a leg injury and telling them that he’ll only slow them down.  Then, after they’re gone he convinces the wuf to join up with him.  The bear & lion end up as living room rugs and the monkey’s got protection & a ride that most people will only think is a stray dog wearing a monkey backpack.  Very tricky.

            So, here’s the reason for the alert:  the monkey is still on the loose, people.  And apparently this monkey is a thinking, conniving, depraved monstrosity hell-bent on world domination.  Obviously the monkey somehow forced the owner to release the other wild animals, knowing the havoc it would create… and the opportunity for him to make good his escape.  I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that this evil monkey (I know, it’s redundant) made his escape soon after a Planet of the Apes movie was released (even if it did suck and had no real apes in it.)  Well, I for one will not live on a planet ruled by apes!  A planet ruled by horse riding, clothes wearing, talking apes who see us humans as a scourge to be destroyed!  Colonel George Taylor asked a question back in 1968:  “A planet where apes evolved from men?  There’s got to be an answer.”  Here is your answer Taylor, and our destiny.  Harrumph…

Harrumph File #089 10.16.2011_ To Victory, And Beyond!

     As you recall, the management of HARRUMPH has established that our illustrious leader, H.A. Rrumph has taken personal command of our glorious armies as they advance into the very heart of the vile enemy forces defending Disneyland.  We now go live to our correspondent in the field, Colonel Oliver South.  He is transmitting from the Adventureland/New Orleans Square front where Commander-in-Chief and Grand Generalissimo H.A. Rrumph leads our troops in the latest assault on the vile & despicable enemy cartoon characters defending the “Pirates of the Caribbean” attraction.

     Colonel South:  “Oliver South here, reporting from the front lines.  We are currently mopping up the final resistance in the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction, New Orleans Square.  As you can see, the entire façade of the ride has been blown away from repeated attack helicopter strikes.  Let me tell you, it has been one heck of a fight.  These cartoon characters, which comprise most of the criminal Disney army, are tough opponents for our brave and intrepid soldiers.  However, with skill and perseverance our glorious armies continue to root out the hated enemy.

     “It has been a tough fight from the very beginning when, after years of provocation from the enemy, HARRUMPH liberation forces, acting solely in self-defense, finally were permitted to take the fight to the enemy on their own ground.  As I said, the fight has been difficult from the start.  In our advance up Main Street our men had to contend with roadblocks hastily thrown up by retreating Disney security forces.  Cartoon snipers delayed our advance and took a bloody toll.

     “As our fighting men pushed past the Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room and into Adventureland they were met with stiff resistance, even tougher than the fight on Main Street.  Well, we found out why after several prisoners related stories of the Disney security police shooting deserters.  Despicable conduct from a despicable foe.

     “As out troops began an amphibious assault in the Jungle Cruise area an IED exploded in the bazaar as a company of our troops were passing through.  Once again, despicable tactics from these creatures.  In fact, the company of soldiers that was hit was a medical support unit caring for enemy wounded in the bazaar and passing out candy to refugee children.  Fortunately, the IED was just a group of old Disney balloons, so when they exploded it only made a “pop” sound, no casualties.  Pffft… toons…

     “As the amphibious assault went in at the Jungle Cruise, HARRUMPH special forces heli-casted into the “Tarzan” tree house.  After a brief firefight, documents, in Tarzan & Jane’s own handwriting, were found, implicating them in the disappearance of the Swiss family Robinson (declared “neutrals” in the war.)

Our glorious armies advance upon the vile enemy!  To victory, and beyond!

     “The real story here took place once Adventureland was secured.  Various and scattered toon battalions were in full retreat when they were stopped at the Pirates attraction by the Disney secret police, led by their infamous chief, Goofy.  He quickly, if not clumsily, organized a skirmish line to delay our forces (they had actually only stopped to rearm & resupply,) while retreating with the bulk of his forces into the attraction itself.

     “Once our helicopter attack neutralized his outposts our troops entered the building.  Here they met the enemy.  Our troops were prepared for a pitched battle.  However, Goofy had armed his criminals with prop weapons from the ride and they were quickly defeated.  Long lines of cartoon prisoners are now being led out in toon-proof handcuffs to the waiting vats of ‘Dip.’

     “Colonel Oliver South reporting from New Orleans Square.  To victory, and beyond!”

            Harrumph…

H.A. Rrumph Update!

     After consulting with our front line headquarters the management of HARRUMPH can now confirm that H.A. Rrumph has taken over as Commander-in-Chief and Grand Generalisimo of our glorious army fighting the cowardly  and despicable Disney security forces defending the very heart of Disneyland.  He has been seen virtually everywhere on the front lines, inspiring and leading our illustrious troops in their tireless fight against the vile, dastardly enemy.

     He has suffered many great wounds as he wades into each and every fight with no regard to his own safety.  Huge numbers of wretched cartoon characters have experienced his wrath.  Countless numbers of our troops owe their very lives to his dauntless courage and decisive action.

     He is saluted not only by our own troops as he passes them in his ever-forward movement but also by the multitudes of captured Disney prisoners, who, recognizing his force of personality and his grand compassion for his vanquished foes throw flower pedals along his path to victory, the flowers torn from the very gardens they had previously defended.  We will continue to keep you informed as more news of our celebrated leader becomes available.  To victory, and beyond!!!!!!!