The most
wonderful time of the year. Everyone’s
happy and laughing; singing songs and wishing complete strangers a “merry
Christmas” (or simply “happy holidays” if you live in an extremely PC area of
the country.) And I ask myself,
why? Unless you live in the southern
hemisphere (where only tranks, lobos and zipheads live) it’s damn cold outside! What the heck is there to be so happy about
when you’ve got to shovel 360 cubic feet of snow out of the way every day just
to get your car out of your driveway?
“Oh, but it’s a
magical time; Santa Claus; goodwill; cheer; eggnog.” Baaah! Actually it’s a
time that we suspend all the normal operating practices of everyday life. It’s a time that we tell our children “go
ahead and sit on that stranger’s lap and tell him about all the goodies you
want him to give you.” Any other time
of the year we’d be telling our kids to stay away from that ho-ho-ho-hoing
predator. And certainly don’t take a
lollipop from him; you don’t know where that thing has been! Oh yeah, it’s ok if you see him in your
house late at night going through your stockings too. And even if he’s kissing your mom, that’s ok too. WTF?
This is after how many years of teaching your kids to shoot a double-tap
to the chest followed up by one to the head for home invaders? Baaah, just throw all that training out for
some crappy wooden toys made by elf slave labor (all legal of course since
there are no labor laws that govern the north pole.) And eggnog? Just what the
heck is that anyway? Elf barf?
And then you
have to deal with all the gift planning.
“What does Grandpa Fred want this year?”
Well, we can’t afford to get him a replacement portable oxygen tank so
maybe he would like a tin of those Danish butter cookies. You know, the ones that were made 25 years
ago and are hard as cement? Baaah, just
put a Santa hat on him and wheel him into the corner where he won’t frighten
the kids. Then there’s the whole
“re-gifting” thing. The fear that
whoever’s gift you’re re-gifting will find out about it from whomever you gave
it to. If you just follow a few simple
rules about re-gifting you can get away with it easily. Number one being don’t re-gift to a mutual
friend, duh? And, don’t re-gift obvious
items. You know, there’s only been one
fruitcake ever produced. It’s been
getting re-gifted all around the world since 1937.
Then there’s all
the Christmas specials that you have to watch.
Now, I’m not talking about the cool ones I’m talking about the lame
ones. I don’t want to go into Regis’s
house and spend the holidays with his family.
I don’t want to spend Christmas with Oprah & the Obamas in
Hawaii. And I certainly don’t want to
go to Uncle Joe Biden’s workshop at the North Pole. Baaah!
The cool shows
are ok though. In fact, they’re about
the only thing that I look forward to during this time of year. 24 hours of “A Christmas Story” on TBS
followed by “Dr. Seuss’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” And not that monstrosity starring Jim Carry
either. The only thing the Oscar it won
for best makeup is good for is to konk Carry over the head with. No, I’m talking about the original cartoon narrated
by Boris Karloff. Haha, what a grinchy
Grinch. I like his dog.
 |
| Never trust a banjo-playing snowman...never! |
And what about
snowmen? Everyone’s building snowmen
this time of year. People, don’t you
know that snowmen are evil? Don’t let
that jolly, happy Frosty fool you either. He took all the kids in town and “He
led them down the streets of town right to the traffic cop. And he only
paused a moment when he heard him holler “Stop!” So he’s
teaching children that they don’t have to listen to the police? And how about the original snowman played by
Burl Ives in “Rudolf, the Red-Nosed Reindeer?”
That’s one evil snowman if you ask me.
Laughing about how all the other reindeer make fun of Rudolf & his
red nose. Now, I know red-nosed
reindeer aren’t a protected class under law, but it’s still bullying and we
shouldn’t promote it.
So
the next time someone you don’t know says “merry Christmas” to you as you’re
walking down the street; or the next time your neighbor asks you if you’re
taking your kids to see Santa down at the mall, wave your hand and throw out a
“Baaah!” and let’s all bring this Christmas cheer thing back to reality. Harrumph…
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