So scientists
have discovered an “object” near Mercury.
Specifically, a planet-sized object that no one has ever seen
before. They first saw this object as a
solar flare swept over the barren planet in the first week of December. Many internet bloggers are speculating that
it is, indeed, an alien spacecraft; a “mother-ship,” if you will that,
utilizing a clocking device, has remained hidden from our prying eyes until the
natural world upset their nefarious scheme with a solar flare. Scientists have come up with a usual
pointy-headed explanation that is, quite frankly, beyond belief. I intend, right here in the harrumph files,
to prove the bloggers right and the pointy-headed scientists wrong.
First of all,
the scientists say that the object is actually the planet Mercury itself. HA!
I laugh at that explanation for several reasons, primary among them
being the simple fact that the planet Mercury cannot be in two different places
at the same time! HA HA! Take that, scientists! Physics right back in your face! These so-called scientists claim that what
we see in the footage is Mercury’s wake, “where the planet was on the previous
day.” What a load of crap! There are no “wakes” in space. What do they take us for, a bunch of
know-nothing clowns that think that we’ll buy their explanation because we know
that ships on the ocean cause wakes and that since we call our rockets
“spaceships” that we’ll then accept “space wakes?” HA!
Besides, we all
know from watching movies that scientists are always the ones that forget to
round up pi, or put the decimal point in the wrong spot, or forgot to close the
screen door on his transmogrifying machine, and therefore mess everything up
and boom! We’ve got a bunch of zombies
or some weird new half-octopus, half-goat, half-spider gigantic mega-monster,
or some brand new super-virus with a 99.99% (or is that 9.99%?) death rate and
it’s always some construction worker or some obnoxious kid that’s got to do the
actual world saving. Besides, you can
never trust scientists because every ten years they reverse all their findings
from the previous decade: “the planet
isn’t cooling, it’s heating.” Having a
glass of wine is now good for you. Eggs
were bad for you in the 80’s & 90’s, now they’re good for you. Jeeze, at this rate I’m gonna take up
smoking just for the future health benefits.
Scientists, bah (hand waves dramatically)!
 |
| I've got a bad feeling about this! |
So, if the
pointy-headed scientists are wrong (obviously!) then by default the object is,
in fact, an alien spaceship (without a wake) that’s orbiting Mercury. But wait!
Here’s further proof! So, if you
were an alien and you wanted to hide out in our solar system to spy on us and
find out all our strengths & weaknesses, where would you hide? Of course, you’d hide with the sun at your
back, just like how the Nazi and Jap…p…panese planes used to dive on our
bombers from out of the sun back in WWII.
And, you would send out your own spies to mislead and misdirect human
defenses. When you were a kid did your
mom ever tell you to never look at the sun?
Well, well, I wonder why? I
guess we now know. Yes, the long
standing old wives tale of having your retinas burnt out if you look at the sun
is just an evil alien plot to get us to watch in the wrong direction!
But,
do not give up! Do not think that we
will become the inevitable “first course” in an alien cookbook! For, what else have the movies taught us? That for every evil alien plan to take over
our world we have a counter attack!
Either we will find some way to render their force fields inoperative,
or microorganisms will infect and kill them, or just good old-fashioned Marine
Corps firepower will blow those extra-terrestrial turkeys back to the pathetic
planet they came from! Remember, the
aliens have made a mistake. They’ve let
themselves be seen! Yes, they are not
infallible! They can be defeated! We don’t need scientists! We don’t need viruses or microorganisms to
do our fighting! We have the troops! We have the firepower! What we need to do is deploy that force now,
when they’re off balance! Attack now! Use everything at our disposal, and then
some! Tactical smart missiles,
phased-plasma pulse rifles, RPG's, independently targeting particle-beam
phalanxes, nukes, knives, sharp sticks!
And if that “object” does turn out to be Mercury and we blow it completely
away? Who cares? No one seemed to notice when the
“scientists” got rid of Pluto!
Harrumph…
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