Harrumph File #095 11.27.2011_Why Does The Future Suck When You Finally Get There?

     Has anyone else noticed this?   I remember when I was a wee tike all the books, magazines and movies that made big promises for the future.  Well, the future is here and it’s nothing like what they said it would be like.  About the best thing we’ve got from the promised future is cell phones and quite frankly, I think the world was a better place before they invented them.

     Do you remember Star Trek?  Remember all the cool things they had?  They had transporters that could beam you all over the galaxy.  What do we have now?  The TSA that’s what.  “Please step on the transporter platform and remove your shoes.”  I don’t remember Captain Kirk ever having to remove his shoes.  And what about food replicators?  All you had to do was hit a button or two (how the replicator knows what you want with the push of only two buttons I’ll never know, but it worked!) and bingo, a bowl of steaming hot chicken noodle soup!  Nowadays what do we have?  Frozen microwave meals that taste like crap and cost a fortune!

     Speaking of fortunes, ever notice how in the future they don’t have money?  I even remember Captain Picard (of the “next generation,” even farther into the future) saying something to that effect to some guest star.  So what I want to know is, why would he want to go out in space, facing death and destruction instead of spending his time at a leisure activity that he enjoys, like fishing or going to strip clubs?  And how does he pay for the cool “Enterprise” models he had in his stateroom?  And, if they don’t have money in the future why don’t we see more fights in Whoopi Goldberg’s bar from drunks that can drink as many drinks as they want because they don’t cost anything?  And how can evil Spock shave a perfect “evil” goatee if he can’t buy any razors?  Are razors free in the future?  What a bunch of B.S.

Hey look! They still use paper shopping bags in the future!

     Ok, so maybe I’m being a little too critical here since we’re not quite in the 25^th century, or wherever or whenever they were.  But I do remember reading Popular Mechanics magazine, telling me that by the 1980’s we would all have personal spacecraft, robot maids (and Roombas don’t count,) elevators that would take you straight up to the orbiting space station, that looked like a cool wheel (not the monstrosity that is the I.S.S.,) jet packs, “holo” decks, domed cities that exist on the ocean floor, and, yes, what I’ve been waiting for the most, flying cars.

            Well, it’s well past 1984 and I still don’t have my flying car!  They were supposed to look like the Jetsonmobile, with a domed cockpit; be able to fly about 200 feet off the ground; have hover capability; and automatic, retractable landing gear.  Last I looked, they were still building freeways and tires.  Dang, the future sucks!  Harrumph…

Harrumph File #094 11.20.2011_A-Rock-Na-Phobia

     Have you ever been driving through a canyon and they’ve got these signs posted that show a little car at the base of a cliff with a gigantic boulder falling on it?  This is my nightmare.  This is my fear.  I feel that I am that little car just waiting to be squashed flat by a lurking boulder looking for a victim.  My question now is this: is there a formal name for the fear of being squashed by a boulder while driving your car through a canyon?

     There are many phobias that afflict people.  How many are untitled?  How many are still waiting to be discovered by some pointy-headed grad student looking for a thesis to write?  I know that my phobia of being squashed flat by a boulder while driving my car through a canyon is real… so why does it remain nameless?  I might call it A-rock-na-phobia.  I know, I know, it’s very close to arachnophobia,    the fear of spiders.  But I am not afraid of spiders.  Well, ok, I am afraid of spiders falling on me from the ceiling or spiders jumping on my face but that’s another story.

     I have another phobia.  Perhaps you also suffer from the same fear that I do.  However, if you do we can’t really discuss it or have a support group dedicated to it because it has no name.  I fear that birds don’t just poop at random as they fly along.  I think that birds choose their targets.  I mean, if you were a bird, wouldn’t you?

     I also have a fear of people that have perfect hair, like Mitt Romney.  That’s just not right, you know?  Sometimes I think that maybe people with perfect hair aren’t really human at all.  Maybe they’re robots or life sized ventriloquist dummies.  Speaking of ventriloquist dummies I also have a phobia about ventriloquist dummies taking over the world and turning us into their dummies.  Now that would be creepy.

     I can’t stand nose rings.  Don’t ask me why, I just can’t stand them, ok?  I have a phobia that I won’t be able to control myself and that I’ll start pulling people’s nose rings out in public.  That would be quite embarrassing but somehow I think it might be worth it.

     Sometimes when I watch TV someone will say something on a program but I don’t quite catch what they say.  I have a fear of rewinding live TV to re-listen to the dialog because I think I might miss something really important like the news breaking in to announce that ChiCom nuclear missiles are inbound or zombie apocalypse has started or something like that.  How crappy would that be?  You spend your entire life preparing for zombie apocalypse and you end up getting bitten because you were re-watching the punch line of a Seinfeld episode.  Don’t even talk to me about DVD movies.

     And what about the ChiComs in general?  What do you call a phobia for a fear of ChiComs?  ChiComophobia?  I dunno, that sounds lame if you ask me.  I also have a fear of Mongolians but I usually just lump them in with the ChiComs.

     Fear of spoons; fear of wooden choo-choo trains; jack-in-the-boxes; mimes; fear of very large ants; Regis Philbin and Oprah (but only when they’re together); fear of electric light bulbs exploding in your hand when you screw them into the socket.  None of these have names that I’m aware of but nevertheless, they are real.

     I propose a single term to encompass all of these fears and any others that remain nameless.  I propose to call this affliction "Harrumphophobia."

            So remember, the next time you face one of your own fears, perhaps it is a fear of paperback books, or a fear of too many choices in the aspirin aisle, don’t be distressed.  Don’t be embarrassed.  Face it with a “harrumph” and find something else to be afraid of.  After all, zombie apocalypse is just around the corner.  Harrumph…

Harrumph File #093 11.13.2011_Occupy This!

     A few months ago this movement started on Wall Street in New York City.  Since then, it has spread to so many cities and “occupiers” are in so many places that now notices are being put up on internet billboards announcing things like: “Starting today we are occupying the alleyway between the Safeway and the Outback near the corner of Elm and 10^th Street!  We are the 99%!”  Really?  This is where you want your “social justice?”  Fighting the alley bums for bloomin’ onion leftovers thrown into the dumpsters?

     So, it’s been 3 or 4 months now and we’re all still waiting for this movement to actually accomplish something, other than trash a few parks and cost us all a lot of money in police overtime and tear gas canisters.  Do you know how much tear gas costs?  Well, neither do I, but I do know that it costs more to shoot these things off than it does to leave them on police department shelves, where they’ll be available for use during the inevitable zombie apocalypse or the coming robot revolution (is tear gas effective against zombies or robots?  Probably not, but we all know from watching the latest crop of lame zombie movies/shows that the authorities will fire them off and then wonder why they’re getting bitten by zombies or lasered by running-amok robots… idiots)  

Hey!, Quit firing that valuable tear gas at the protesters!  Dang, use rubber bullets instead!

     So anyway, where is the “I have a dream speech” from the “occupy” movement?  Where is the equivalent of the Glenn Beck “Restoring Honor” rallies or the Tea party campaign for lower taxes and less government?  Heck, even Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert had their rally, made their point, and went home.  These “occupy” clowns just sit around in their tents, smoke their dope, and complain about how miserable their lives are because the 1% have all the money and “it’s just not fair!”  And the funny thing is that they complain not only by bashing in the windows of local merchants (like the Men’s Wearhouse, owned by left-leaning George Zimmer.  Guess he’s not going to like the way his windows look!  Oh well George, that’s what you get for pushing the leftist agenda, I guarantee it!)  and getting into confrontations with union dockworkers, but they complain by texting all their friends… on their brand new Iphones.

     You know, if you look at the entire world population, I think that these “occupiers” might just find themselves in the top 1%.  Hmmm, maybe instead of whining and complaining, these assclowns can actually do something to change the world.  Maybe instead of texting on their Iphones they can sell their Iphones.  The money earned by just one Iphone sale can feed a family of eight in Gabon for four months.  Oh, don’t even know where Gabon is, “global citizen?”  Well, you can Google it on your Iphone before you make the sale… that is, if you’re truly interested in “changing the world.”  What’s that?  Oh, yeah, I’m sorry, you’re just interested in changing your world.  Silly me, thinking about the high moral ground and all.  What ever happened to “Think Globally, Act Locally?”  Obviously, “occupiers” don’t want to think very globally at all.  And as far as acting locally, apparently when bums showed up to get a free meal from the NYC occupiers they were served up a steaming bowl of brown rice instead of the yummy vittles the occupiers were reserving for themselves.  Wow, from the bum’s perspective I’d say the occupiers were the evil 1%.  At least they have tents, weed, good food, and Iphones, not just a cardboard refrigerator box, bottle of Mad Dog 20/20, and a dog named Blue.  So mush for putting your money where your mouth is!  Can you spell “hypocrisy?”  Have you read “Lord of the Flies?”

     So, “back in the day,” people like Bill Maher used to insult and disparage the Tea party movement by calling them “teabaggers.”  Apparently, if news reports are true, the real “teabagging” movement appears to be taking place inside the tents of these “occupiers.”  Well, Maher, where’s your “witty” humor now? (Total silence from the left.)  Yeah, I thought so.  You know, people, let’s just call these “occupy” sites what they really are.  Back in the 1930’s they were called “Hoovervilles,” after the then-president Herbert Hoover.  I propose, since the “occupy” movement doesn’t seem to have a defined goal or leader anyway, to call these places “Obamavilles.”  Yes, that’s right, he’s “The Man.”  It’s his watch.  Call it right people.  Be fair.  Remember, Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz, head of the DNC, said on June 15, 2011 that Democrats now “own the economy,” therefore, “Obamavilles.”  Yes, Maher, you have license to use that joke… if you dare.

            Ok, I’m just about out of steam here but before I’m done I’ve got one more thing to say to the “occupiers” out there, still looking for something to do, or something to “tweet” about:  Occupy this! (Author moons the audience.)  Harrumph…

Harrumph File #092 11.06.2011_The Walking Dead

     So, when AMC first announced that they were filming the new series “The Walking Dead” I couldn’t wait for it.  You see, I grew up watching George A. Romero’s classics, “Night of the Living Dead” and “Dawn of the Dead” on shows like KTVU’s “Creature Features” starring Bob Wilkins and his ever present cigar (try that format in today’s PC environment!)  As such, I am prepared for the zombie apocalypse… in fact some may say that I hope for the zombie apocalypse.  Food, water, ammo (actually, it’s just an earthquake kit… yeah right, an earthquake kit.)  Even the Rrumph children have been trained to react instantly to the possibility of a zombie apocalypse.  So much so that recently, while Mrs. Rrumph & I were celebrating my birthday at Disneyland during Halloween time, they dressed up as a horde of zombies and surprised me coming out of the hotel elevator.  Of course, they had to clear with Mrs. Rrumph that I didn’t have a concealed carry weapon permit, which could’ve lead to a horrific scene of instant reaction head shots.

     Anyway, so after seeing the initial classics (cool) and then spiraling into the just downright embarrassing later Romero zombie flicks that sucked (i.e. “Diary” and “Survival,”)  stupid “campy” zombie flicks where they chant “brains” over & over (c’mon, everyone knows that zombies can’t talk… and they eat everything except the bones, not just brains) and newer remakes of remakes (2004’s “Dawn of the Dead”) where they’ve got running zombies (no, everyone knows that zombies don’t run, they “shamble,”) or, even worse, zombies that crawl on walls or ceilings, I was waiting for a good, realistic zombie series.  Well, I’m still waiting.

     Ok, ok, yeah the special effects are really good.  And, although the zombies move a little faster than a shamble, at least they’re not “sprinters” like in 2004’s “Dawn.”  But, I have to tell you, the writing for the show sucks.

     First of all, the survivors are supposed to be in the deep south of the U.S.A., Georgia, to be exact.  About all they’ve got for weaponry are a couple of shotguns, a hunting rifle, a crossbow, and a few handguns (and about 13 rounds of ammo for all of ‘em.)  C’mon, writers, there’d be weapons all over the place.  Recently the survivors were trying to get through a huge roadblock of hundreds of abandoned cars.  When they (finally) searched through them, all they found for weapons was a bag of machetes.  Really, writers?  They’re in Georgia and in all these cars (that were packed full of luggage and stuff) all they found were machetes?

     The group finds their way to the CDC in Atlanta and one of the first things they tell the lone survivor of the CDC staff is that they haven’t eaten for three days.  I’m sorry, what about all those abandoned houses you passed on your way to Atlanta?  You think that maybe they would’ve had a few canned goods on the shelves that you could’ve eaten?  Ummm… aren’t there any Walmarts in Georgia?  Maybe you could’ve looted a few handy items (food, weapons, ammo?)  Oh yeah, as you approached the CDC building didn’t you see the Army machine gun positions that you walked by?  You think that maybe there might be a couple of M-16’s lying around?  There were at least two fifty cal barrels sticking up in the air (not to mention the tank out front.  How about checking to see if there’s any gas in it?  I’d love to see one of these guys jump in a tank and race it up & down Atlanta’s streets, crowded with zombies!  Ho ho, what a ride!)

So, I'm fleeing Atlanta & you're supposed to think that I'll sit in that traffic jam instead of using the opposite lanes?  C'mon!

     And what about driving around in 1970’s vintage vehicles?  I mean, really… maybe that’s the Winnebago you drove to the Grand Canyon in back in 1977 but now is not the time to be sentimental.  We’ve been waiting for that radiator hose you warned us about since episode one to break at just the wrong moment.  Once again, are there no RV dealerships in Georgia?  Time to go shopping and pick yourself out a couple of nice, brand new, bus-sized survival vehicles and duke them up with sheet metal shutters, loop holes, and anti-zombie push bumpers.  C’mon, let’s be real about this, huh?

     My gosh, I had such high hopes for this series but all I keep seeing is a bunch of idiots self-destructing, arguing, and making all kinds of bad decisions.  How can you make a plan where you use road flares to distract a zombie horde into leaving a place that you want to get into, and then not having any flares to throw to make your escape?  It says a lot when my favorite character is the assbag hick with the crossbow.  While everyone else is running around like chickens with their heads cut off, he’s adapting to the new reality. 

     As a group, they’re just not thinking.  Hello, loot a few houses.  Upgrade your vehicles.  Attack zombies as a group, not in ones & twos.  Hotwire that ambulance you passed by.  And, if the only doctor that’s left on earth is a veterinarian, don’t throw a hissy fit when he’s gonna operate on your son.  If you think you can do better, grab the scalpel yourself.

     *sigh*  I’m just getting tired of watching these idiots shamble  & stumble through week after week… and I’m not talking about the zombies.  I’m beginning to think that the title “The Walking Dead” is referring to the humans so now I’ve come full circle and I’m rooting for the zombies.  Harrumph…