“Book ‘em
Danno.” Those three words used to warm
the hearts of many Americans (not to mention budding Evil Geniuses,) back in the
day when Jack Lord first uttered them, usually preceded by some rather creative
uses of the English language, with McGarrett telling the criminal they were
about to incarcerate, just what kind of a despicable human being he truly
was. And now we have had a season of
Hawaii 5-O, part deux.
Yeah, the
re-make has had some cool plot lines and some neat weapons and terrific
scenery, but it’s just missing something. Let’s see… the original had Hawaii and the remake has Hawaii, so
there’s no change there. The original
had some cool weapons like brand new M-16’s and McGarrett’s nifty little .38
snub-nose. The re-make has some cool
weapons too like SIGs and H&K’s so that pretty much balances out. The original had some cool plot lines with
international intrigue as well as the run-of-the-mill murder. The re-make does too, including the Evil
Genius, Wo Fat, just like the original.
Although the new one I expect at any moment to dramatically reveal a
secret ingredient for some “iron chefs” to use in a cooking competition.
So what is it
that the re-make is missing? I would
like to say a good cast, because, you know, you just can’t top the original
actors in a hit production. I mean, it
would be like having someone try to out-perform John Wayne as Rooster Cogburn
in a pathetic re-make of a timeless classic like “True Grit.” It just wouldn’t be done. It would be the height of folly. It would…(rustling of papers from off-page) What?
Jeff Bridges? Matt Damon? You’re kidding? (more rustling of papers from off-page.) Ok, so maybe it would be more like someone
re-making a timeless classic like “Planet of the Apes.” I mean who could top Charleton Heston
throwing out lines like: “A planet where apes evolved from men?” No way, couldn’t be done, height of folly,
etc., etc. (more rustling of papers.)
Oh come on, not that too? And
another one? Without any real apes at
all? Maybe they should’ve named it
“Escape from the battling conquest of the not-real planet of the CGI
apes.” Ok, it would be like re-making a
timeless classic like “Them!,” or “The Giant Claw,” or “Zontar, the Thing From
Venus.” That last one is pretty cool
because if you spell it Zantar then MS Word tells you that you’ve misspelled
“Zontar.” Hmmm, someone at Microsoft is
a B-movie buff!
 |
| Ewwww! Book it, Danno! |
Anyway, I’m
getting off-topic here so I’ll bring it back by telling you just what’s missing
from the new “Hawaii 5-O.” You may have
guessed it, but for those of you that live on dunderhead island here it
is: Yes, it’s those simple three words,
“book ‘em, Danno.” Now, I know the new
McGarrett used them in the pilot episode, but I don’t believe he’s uttered them
once the balance of the season.
Now, the real
McGarrett was a true artist in the use of that phrase. You could always count on him to come
through with a great climax to an hour of excitement, drama, gunplay, blue
business suits, and a wave of hair that would rival any Waimea Bay beach breaker. “You’re the kind of slime
ball that I’ll enjoy seeing in the electric chair when they pull that lever
down making you dance the dance of an electric puppet. And afterwards I hope that you burn for
eternity in the darkest recesses of the lowest pit of hell, all the while being
tormented by the foulest creatures ever cast into the brimstone fire. Book ‘em, Danno. Murder One.” Harrumph…
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