Up until now my
sense of fair play has kept me from commenting on the issue concerning former
congressman Anthony Weiner. But, since
the story has faded from the front pages of our nation’s most esteemed
newspapers, I thought now would be the appropriate time to “resurrect” it.
Yes, we now know
more about the former congressman than anyone cares to. Apparently as passionate in his private life
as he was in his public. We’ve all seen
his appearances on cable news outlets, shooting off his mouth as if it were a
fire hose. And now you can see his
indiscretions on youtube. So, the
questions become: what happened here and where will he go?
According to
Doctor Hugh Jorgen of the Oslo Institute for Advanced Sexual Depravity (you
ever notice how all of these kinds of
“learning centers” seem to be in Scandinavia?) what Weiner suffers from is a compulsive disease known as “tallywackeritis.” It is incurable but can be controlled,
mostly by keeping the afflicted person away from all computers and
telephones. Twelve step programs have
also been successful. The first step is
admitting that you have a problem, the last eleven steps are how far away from
said computers and telephones you should stay at all times. Obviously, if you can’t reach a computer
keyboard, you can’t tweet pictures of yourself in your underwear to anyone
else. This also cuts down on the number
of times the general population uses the word “ewww” per day, always a good
thing.
 |
| Hey! Keep that thing to yourself! |
So what will
Weiner do, now that he has been publicly humiliated on a national basis? According to a report issued by Wang &
Johnson Associates, most humiliated former politicians end up doing rather
well. 10% went on to write books about
their experiences, most appearing on the best-seller list; 15% adjusted to life
on various corporate boards; another 10% went on the speaking tour circuit; 5%
ended up in the nation’s bus stops and back alleys; and 60% became “analysts”
with CNN or MSNBC. So you can see that
Weiner has the potential for a bright future, even if he already has sent his
political career down the bottomless shaft of shame.
Perhaps he can
write about his experiences as a “weekend lefty.” No, I’m sure that after all his time on Twitter, it would be more
a pamphlet that a book. A corporate
mogul, then? There must be a company or
two out there that would welcome him into their boardroom. Perhaps GE.
After all, they do owe the democrats more than they owe the taxman! Maybe Al Gore would bring him on board his
“global climate change” money-generating bandwagon. He could help Weiner graduate from cyber-groping to the real
thing! No, there’s probably a law or
something about having more than one pervert on corporate boards. And we all know that politicians ALWAYS
follow the law.
Hmmm… perhaps
the speaking circuit? Naaah, he’s got
such a following of hecklers that he’d never get through a single speech. I also don’t think that he’ll end up on the
street or in a bus station. Not as long
as he’s married to his sugar-momma he won’t.
Well,
that leaves only the liberal media left to clean up this trash. I guess he could do a column for the
Huffington Post, they’re comical enough.
Naaah, they’re already fully staffed with people who are out-of-touch with
reality. CNN? No, they’re at least trying to become more respectable;
they’d never hire Weiner.
MoveOn.org? Naaah, nazis like
Soros don’t want public perverts around them; they like to keep that kind of
stuff in the shadows. Well, where to
put this guy, we’ve pretty much run out of options. No left wing internet sites, no CNN… hey, there’s always that
time slot that Olbermann gave up on MSNBC.
Harrumph…
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