Dumbo, that
loveable pachyderm who, with the help of a “magic” feather, soared above the
clouds…and away from his tormentors.
Yes that’s right. Dumbo, it
turns out, was much better adjusted than the average elephant. Most elephants deal with adversity by
lashing out; fighting their persecutors
with trunk, tusk, or foot; going
berserk. Tragically, this includes poor
Dumbo's mother.
As time spirals
faster and faster toward the infinite there seem to be more and more incidents
of elephants going berserk and, literally, tearing the limbs off of
people. It seems a week can’t go by
without seeing a news item about some crazed circus elephant rampaging through
a crowded circus tent, or shambling down the street looking for victims to
stomp. Of course it would be even more
tragic if they just weren’t wearing silly circus gear like hats and back
blankets with stars & moons on them while scouring the circus grounds for
their next victim. And then after
they’ve brought in a bazooka to deal with the crazed beast you hear the
trainers and carnies: “She was always a quiet elephant.” “I never would’ve expected this from her.” “She would give you the shirt off of her
back, the nicest elephant you’d ever meet.”
Somehow those words ring hollow when the speaker is decked out in a blue
& orange striped jump suit, large red nose, and fright wig.
And it’s not
just here in America, it’s happening “back home” in India. In fact, there’s a documented case in India
of a killer elephant who actually knocks on villager’s doors. And when they answer he pulls the struggling
victim from their house with his truck and rips them to pieces. Hmmm, do I detect an opportunity to sell
“peep” holes to the persecuted Indian millions?
So, why is this
happening? Why are elephants going
completely berserk by the hundreds?
It’s almost as if it were a plan.
And, can they be stopped?
Well obviously,
like so many problems, the root cause can be found in India. First of all, there are just too many people
in India. According to the CIA World
Fact Book (and Wikipedia) the population estimate of India for July 2011 is:
1,189,172,906. Now, I’m not sure which
day of July this estimate is for; they didn’t get that specific with the
timing. In fact, this estimate may only
be good for a single minute, of even a fraction of a minute, the way that
country pushes the kids out. And you
know, this doesn’t even include Sri Lanka with another 21,283,913 people. So, with 1,189,172,906 people crowded into a
space about a third the size of the U.S., you can see there’s not much room
left for monkeys, tigers, llamas, or angry elephants.
So imagine
you’re some elephant wandering around one day in the wilderness. You go to sleep, wake up the next day and
there’s a new people village, full of village people, taking up the space that
used to be your favorite watering hole!
No wonder you go berserk and start knocking on doors. And the garbage these village people
create! Yuk! If you were an elephant would you want to walk through the back
alleys of this people village barefoot?
Ewww, no one ever confused you with Mother Teresa! Let the stompings begin.
Here’s another
point. These village people also don’t
eat cows. Yeah, I know, it’s crazy
& all. There’s 1,189,172,906 of
‘em, they starve by the thousands and they let these nice ribeyes and New York
cuts wander among them like they’re gods or something. If you’re an elephant that’s presenting a
problem because you’ve got a bad attitude, how long will it be before you
imagine they’re serving McDumbo burgers at the local eatery? It would be as if you were an astronaut from
the Banana Republic landing on the planet of the apes.
 |
| Did you want fries with that? |
So, India,
you’ve got a job to do. And I’m not
talking about the ones where you pick up the phone and say that you’re “Andy”
from Iowa or telling me that you just filled the slurpee machine a few minutes
ago. You’ve got to deal with these
elephants, man. I mean, it’s one thing
to hear about these elephants stomping your guys into the ground, but now it’s
happening here. You’re exporting these
pissed off pachyderms to our circus people.
And, you know when anyone, elephants included, begin stomping Americans…
America acts. Don’t make us come over
there and fix this problem for you, ‘cause when we come we come with all guns
loaded. Harrumph…
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