Harrumph File #074 06.26.2011_What Will Weiner Do?

     Up until now my sense of fair play has kept me from commenting on the issue concerning former congressman Anthony Weiner.  But, since the story has faded from the front pages of our nation’s most esteemed newspapers, I thought now would be the appropriate time to “resurrect” it.

     Yes, we now know more about the former congressman than anyone cares to.  Apparently as passionate in his private life as he was in his public.  We’ve all seen his appearances on cable news outlets, shooting off his mouth as if it were a fire hose.  And now you can see his indiscretions on youtube.  So, the questions become: what happened here and where will he go?

     According to Doctor Hugh Jorgen of the Oslo Institute for Advanced Sexual Depravity (you ever notice how all of these kinds of  “learning centers” seem to be in Scandinavia?)  what Weiner suffers from is a compulsive disease known as “tallywackeritis.”  It is incurable but can be controlled, mostly by keeping the afflicted person away from all computers and telephones.  Twelve step programs have also been successful.  The first step is admitting that you have a problem, the last eleven steps are how far away from said computers and telephones you should stay at all times.  Obviously, if you can’t reach a computer keyboard, you can’t tweet pictures of yourself in your underwear to anyone else.  This also cuts down on the number of times the general population uses the word “ewww” per day, always a good thing.

Hey! Keep that thing to yourself!

     So what will Weiner do, now that he has been publicly humiliated on a national basis?  According to a report issued by Wang & Johnson Associates, most humiliated former politicians end up doing rather well.  10% went on to write books about their experiences, most appearing on the best-seller list; 15% adjusted to life on various corporate boards; another 10% went on the speaking tour circuit; 5% ended up in the nation’s bus stops and back alleys; and 60% became “analysts” with CNN or MSNBC.  So you can see that Weiner has the potential for a bright future, even if he already has sent his political career down the bottomless shaft of shame.

     Perhaps he can write about his experiences as a “weekend lefty.”  No, I’m sure that after all his time on Twitter, it would be more a pamphlet that a book.  A corporate mogul, then?  There must be a company or two out there that would welcome him into their boardroom.  Perhaps GE.  After all, they do owe the democrats more than they owe the taxman!  Maybe Al Gore would bring him on board his “global climate change” money-generating bandwagon.  He could help Weiner graduate from cyber-groping to the real thing!  No, there’s probably a law or something about having more than one pervert on corporate boards.  And we all know that politicians ALWAYS follow the law. 

     Hmmm… perhaps the speaking circuit?  Naaah, he’s got such a following of hecklers that he’d never get through a single speech.  I also don’t think that he’ll end up on the street or in a bus station.  Not as long as he’s married to his sugar-momma he won’t.

            Well, that leaves only the liberal media left to clean up this trash.  I guess he could do a column for the Huffington Post, they’re comical enough.  Naaah, they’re already fully staffed with people who are out-of-touch with reality.  CNN?  No, they’re at least trying to become more respectable; they’d never hire Weiner.  MoveOn.org?  Naaah, nazis like Soros don’t want public perverts around them; they like to keep that kind of stuff in the shadows.  Well, where to put this guy, we’ve pretty much run out of options.  No left wing internet sites, no CNN… hey, there’s always that time slot that Olbermann gave up on MSNBC.  Harrumph…

Harrumph File #073 06.19.2011_I Know Why Elephants Are Going Berserk

     Dumbo, that loveable pachyderm who, with the help of a “magic” feather, soared above the clouds…and away from his tormentors.  Yes that’s right.  Dumbo, it turns out, was much better adjusted than the average elephant.  Most elephants deal with adversity by lashing out;  fighting their persecutors with trunk, tusk, or foot;  going berserk.  Tragically, this includes poor Dumbo's mother.

     As time spirals faster and faster toward the infinite there seem to be more and more incidents of elephants going berserk and, literally, tearing the limbs off of people.  It seems a week can’t go by without seeing a news item about some crazed circus elephant rampaging through a crowded circus tent, or shambling down the street looking for victims to stomp.  Of course it would be even more tragic if they just weren’t wearing silly circus gear like hats and back blankets with stars & moons on them while scouring the circus grounds for their next victim.  And then after they’ve brought in a bazooka to deal with the crazed beast you hear the trainers and carnies: “She was always a quiet elephant.”  “I never would’ve expected this from her.”  “She would give you the shirt off of her back, the nicest elephant you’d ever meet.”  Somehow those words ring hollow when the speaker is decked out in a blue & orange striped jump suit, large red nose, and fright wig.

     And it’s not just here in America, it’s happening “back home” in India.  In fact, there’s a documented case in India of a killer elephant who actually knocks on villager’s doors.  And when they answer he pulls the struggling victim from their house with his truck and rips them to pieces.  Hmmm, do I detect an opportunity to sell “peep” holes to the persecuted Indian millions?

     So, why is this happening?  Why are elephants going completely berserk by the hundreds?  It’s almost as if it were a plan.  And, can they be stopped?

     Well obviously, like so many problems, the root cause can be found in India.  First of all, there are just too many people in India.  According to the CIA World Fact Book (and Wikipedia) the population estimate of India for July 2011 is: 1,189,172,906.  Now, I’m not sure which day of July this estimate is for; they didn’t get that specific with the timing.  In fact, this estimate may only be good for a single minute, of even a fraction of a minute, the way that country pushes the kids out.  And you know, this doesn’t even include Sri Lanka with another 21,283,913 people.  So, with 1,189,172,906 people crowded into a space about a third the size of the U.S., you can see there’s not much room left for monkeys, tigers, llamas, or angry elephants.

     So imagine you’re some elephant wandering around one day in the wilderness.  You go to sleep, wake up the next day and there’s a new people village, full of village people, taking up the space that used to be your favorite watering hole!  No wonder you go berserk and start knocking on doors.  And the garbage these village people create!  Yuk!  If you were an elephant would you want to walk through the back alleys of this people village barefoot?  Ewww, no one ever confused you with Mother Teresa!  Let the stompings begin.

     Here’s another point.  These village people also don’t eat cows.  Yeah, I know, it’s crazy & all.  There’s 1,189,172,906 of ‘em, they starve by the thousands and they let these nice ribeyes and New York cuts wander among them like they’re gods or something.  If you’re an elephant that’s presenting a problem because you’ve got a bad attitude, how long will it be before you imagine they’re serving McDumbo burgers at the local eatery?  It would be as if you were an astronaut from the Banana Republic landing on the planet of the apes.

Did you want fries with that?

     So, India, you’ve got a job to do.  And I’m not talking about the ones where you pick up the phone and say that you’re “Andy” from Iowa or telling me that you just filled the slurpee machine a few minutes ago.  You’ve got to deal with these elephants, man.  I mean, it’s one thing to hear about these elephants stomping your guys into the ground, but now it’s happening here.  You’re exporting these pissed off pachyderms to our circus people.  And, you know when anyone, elephants included, begin stomping Americans… America acts.  Don’t make us come over there and fix this problem for you, ‘cause when we come we come with all guns loaded.  Harrumph…

Harrumph File #072 06.12.2011_Only You Can Prevent Wildfires?

     We all remember him.  Smokey Bear, that loveable forest creature that warned us that “Only you can prevent forest fires.”  He would show us, in comic book format, the horrors of carelessness with fire while camping or hiking.  The devastation caused by a single match or a smoldering cigarette.  And all the time he was teaching us, he was also entertaining us with coloring books, comics, buttons and other cool little items handed out by uniformed park rangers wearing cool “Smokey Bear” hats and official looking badges signifying their authority as well as their expertise.  Of course, hidden deep within the psyche of each child as he or she colored in the running forest animals and the raging fire destroying their homes was the idea that a large, hulking bear waited somewhere out there to assign blame for the devastating fire and, quite possibly, rip the face off of said offender… because only YOU can prevent forest fires so therefore, perhaps only YOU should have your face ripped off if you’re some kid playing with matches while you’re out camping. *shiver*  Now I finally know how my fear of bears originated.

Hero, or Destroyer of Worlds? You decide.

     So anyway, Smokey Bear threatened his way through the second half of the 20^th century with the same time-tested message of “Only you can prevent forest fires” rather successfully. Children acquired such a deep-seated fear of Smokey coming into their bedroom at night and ripping their faces off that numbers of fires dropped off dramatically.  However, recently an interesting development has occurred.  Smokey doesn’t warn us that only we can prevent forest fires anymore.  Apparently only we can prevent wildfires now.  Wildfires?  What the heck happened here?  Did grasses and shrubberies suddenly become jealous of forests and lobby congress to make the change?  Or perhaps some modern age Forest Service Chief has grown up so twisted in today’s politically correct environment that he forced the change on unwilling rangers (and bears.)  What’s next, changing the name of the U.S. Forest Service to the U.S. Wild Service?  *sigh* now I know where my fear of liberals originated.

     I mean, do the “PC” police think that people are so stupid nowadays that they have to lead them down every single path throughout their lives?  You know, that 50 year old who grew up in the 60’s (acquiring a healthy fear of bears) driving through the prairies isn’t gonna think that tossing his cigarette butt out the window is ok because “Smokey didn’t say anything about dry shrubberies and grasslands.”

     Mr. Forest (soon to be Wild) Service Chief, learn a lesson from history.  Don’t mess with success.  When you’ve got a winning formula, stick with it.  Changing your message after 60 years of triumph is foolhardy.  It would be like the Coca-Cola Company changing the formula for coke… that would be totally stupid!  And you don’t see other cartoon characters changing their slogans.  Would Bugs Bunny stoop to say some thing like: “What is going on, doctor?”  Would Porky Pig say “Btee, btee, btee, that is all, audience?”  Could you imagine Wile E. Coyote holding up a sign that says “Please render assistance” instead of a simple “Help!” just before he falls a thousand feet off a cliff?  Or would Donald Duck be caught dead saying something other than “#&%@#*%!!!!!!”  NO!!!

            I hereby call on the U.S. Forest Service to restore Smokey Bear to his previous greatness.  Don’t force him to carry too many torches (so to speak.)  Come up with a new, interesting, and threatening animal to promote grassland and shrubbery fire prevention (how about a badger, or maybe a naked mole rat?)  Give a hoot—don’t dilute!  Help take a bite outta mimes!  Remember people, when it comes to the PC police, only YOU can prevent their desires!  Call or write the U.S. Forest Service now and join the campaign to put Smokey back in the forest where he belongs!!!  Harrumph…

Harrumph File #071 06.05.2011_Who Exactly Is Doctor Bunsen Honeydew?

     Doctor Bunsen Honeydew.  Seven syllables… three words… one man… everyone’s problem.  What’s this, you say?  Doctor Bunsen Honeydew, harmless muppet lab scientist, a problem you lament?  A scamp?  A miscreant?  How can this be?  Can I be talking about the same Doctor Bunsen Honeydew that, along with his bumbling sidekick “Beaker,” brought smiles to your face every time he graced the stage at the Muppet Theater?  Yes, that very same loveable, eyeless, clumsy, professor of the future.  You may have seen him and Beaker present new and interesting inventions, supposedly for the betterment of mankind, but follow along with me and I will show you the twisted tale of greed, sex, and murder that has followed the good doctor like the tail of a serpent ever since he first came onto the world scene working on the Manhattan project during World War Two.

     Not much is known about Honeydew’s early history.  In fact, before he fled Europe in 1933, records are only intermittent.  There is some evidence that he was born in Eastern Poland, near the frontier with Russia.  Still others claim he is Hungarian, which would explain his later association with Leo Szilard and the Manhattan project.  Regardless, he is known to have studied at the University of Vienna, where he was first exposed to the teachings of Marx and Lenin.  It is believed he was radicalized there by one Zinaida Volkova, and at her behest he quickly joined the Young Communists League, an organization of students and union members.  Upon earning a degree in physics, Honeydew and Volkova took up residence in Berlin, Germany.  It is not clear whether they had married or not.  As he began a promising career at the University of Berlin as an Associate Professor, Volkova continued her recruiting efforts in the name of world communism.  But, by 1933 the writing was on the wall as Adolf Hitler came to power as Chancellor of Germany.  In a fit of despair, Volkova committed suicide and, having no career and no personal ties, Honeydew fled Germany for New York.

     After that, Honeydew began his rise in the American scientific community.  A visiting professorship at the California Institute of Technology, speaking tours, and finally taking a position at the Institute for Advanced Study at Princeton, New Jersey.

     In 1939, Hungarian émigré physicist Leo Szilard asked Honeydew to lend his prestige by co-writing a letter to President Roosevelt, warning him of the Nazi attempts to create an atomic bomb.  This letter first brought him to the attention of the president and his interview with Roosevelt led directly to his involvement with American nuclear efforts.  During his entire tenure with the project, Honeydew was investigated by the FBI for his earlier associations with Zinaida Volkova and communist organizations in Europe.  However, no evidence was found, at the time, of a security leak on his part or any transfer of nuclear technology to the Soviets.  In fact, Brigadier General Leslie R. Groves, Director of the Manhattan project on July 20, 1943, wrote to the Manhattan Engineer District:  “In accordance with my verbal directions of July 15, it is desired that clearance be issued to Bunsen Honeydew without delay irrespective of the information which you have concerning Dr. Honeydew. He is absolutely essential to the project.”

     During the first successful nuclear test at the Trinity site in New Mexico, Honeydew was heard to whisper: “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds,” a phrase that his boss, J. Robert Oppenheimer is mistakenly credited with saying.

     However, after World War Two the accusations resumed and his past communist ghosts continued to haunt him.  He was a neighbor and confidant of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg who were executed in 1953 for passing nuclear secrets to the Soviet Union.  He appeared before Senator McCarthy’s Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations of the Government Operations Committee of the Senate as well as the House Un-American Activities Committee.  He refused to name associates and was subsequently blacklisted.   President Kennedy brought him back into government service in 1961 as Special Assistant to the President for Nuclear Strategy.  Apparently, Kennedy and Honeydew had a falling out over strategy during the Cuban missile crisis.  It is believed that Honeydew pushed for a nuclear strike on Cuba, hoping to precipitate a Soviet first strike on the U.S.  JFK opted for the blockade strategy at which, Honeydew reportedly stormed out of the oval office, screaming “You haven’t heard the last of me… oh no you haven’t!”  His whereabouts from November 19^th to November 24^th, 1963 are undocumented and it is known that he has a special affinity for grassy knolls.

     Fired and blacklisted from government employment, Honeydew wandered through the 60’s in a cloud of marijuana smoke and LSD hallucinations until he ended up taking a job at muppet labs for former hippie and fellow wanderer, Kermit the frog.  The rest you may already know.  Yes, Doctor Bunsen Honeydew has kept a low profile over the last few years, working on various projects for muppet labs.  And “why” you ask, should we be concerned about him?  A special HARRUMPH investigation into Honeydew has uncovered an interesting piece of evidence.  At a recent presidential news conference the following picture was taken.

     Using geometric logic and digital photographic equipment we were able to see what exactly the president was wearing on his lapel in lieu of the usual American flag.

     Why is the president wearing a Doctor Bunsen Honeydew pin on his lapel?  What nefarious plan does this signify?  Has Honeydew theory had a resurgence under this president?  Perhaps our agent on the inside is the only hope for mankind.  Harrumph…

Poll #40 Who is the coolest Muppet?

     “Da ta da ta da, da ta da ta da, da ta da ta da da… DAAA!… It’s The Muppet Show!”  How many times over the years have you heard those words (and horns) introduce yet another half hour of fun, satire, and frivolity?  Yes, everyone knows The Muppets, that rag-tag band of half-mop, half-puppets that made us laugh through the late 70’s and beyond.  This week’s poll explores just who is the coolest muppet out there.  Is it Kermit, the pork-whipped, leader of the ensemble?  Could it be Miss Piggy, the first sow in space (and what a full rack…raaaww!)  or maybe you think it was The Great Gonzo, resident evil genius and my favorite.

            Anyway, vote for your favorite and if they’re not listed in the poll tell me who it is and why they’re the coolest as a comment on this posting.