Harrumph Files Special Announcement!

Mr. H.A. Rumph, EGiC of the evil HARRUMPH organization is recruiting!  The first 100 readers who apply as a HARRUMPH minion or henchman from 30 January, 2011 to 5 February, 2011, will receive a special, limited edition Harrumph Files button that will be worth millions when HARRUMPH completes it's conquest of the world! 
     Apply at the S-1 Division at www.theharrumphfiles.com (you can also click on the button above this week's poll to get there.)  If you have already applied and have been issued a minion number or henchman nickname, you've already got one coming!

Harrumph File #053 01.30.2011_Ever Notice That Most Evil Geniuses Are Chinese?

     Now, before you go off all half-cocked about political correctness let me say a few things.

     Stating facts has nothing to do with political correctness.  After all, no one gets upset if you say: “ever notice how during the day it’s brighter than during nighttime?”  Stating of fact.  It doesn’t mean you have something against nighttime, you’re just stating a bloody fact.  Period.

     Political correctness is leading to equality of outcome.  Now, some might say that this is a good thing.  After all, shouldn’t everybody be equal in the end?  Well, you might think that’s a good idea… right up until the time that you spend two hours sitting on a bench at just the right spot for your kid to see the latest, greatest Disney parade go by, only to have some moron with his kid on his shoulders stand right in front of you… one minute before Simba & Rafiki go by.  Oh, and during the whole time your kid is complaining that he can’t see anything, the moron blocking your view is saying things like: “Boy, wasn’t it great that all the lines on the cool rides were so short?  Hey look at Mufasa!”  Go ahead & start your slow burn; but remember, you wanted everyone to get a good spot in the end, whether they paid the price for it or not.

     And you all know where political correctness will lead us eventually.  Yeah, we might have cool domed cities but everyone will be wearing the same gray spandex body suits, eating blue, green and yellow cubes of tasteless who-knows-what-it-is and being put to death at the age of thirty… unless you can elude the sandmen, escape the dome, and survive the dinosaurs, killer robots, and mutant freaks lurking outside.

     So, if you are one of those namby-pamby types that issue the usual fake, horrified look that we’ve all seen when someone uses the term “retard,” then maybe you need to move a blog or two down the road.  I’m sure you can find something more to your liking.  Maybe that blog on “when is the best time to weed your garden” or the government pamphlet on the mating habits of the South Peruvian hairless yak.  Jeeze, I’ve been called plenty of bad names over the years & I turned out all right.  Now quit crying and read on.

     Ok, back to our topic, evil geniuses and their tendency to be Chinese.  Most of you are probably familiar with Dr. No, the first of James Bond’s many antagonists.  Born in Peking.  Chinese-German heritage.  Hmmm… I knew the Germans would fit in here somewhere.  Always keep an eye on the Germans.  As an addendum to the Dr. No file we must also add Dr. Yes, from the TV series “Get Smart.”

     Mao Zedong, obviously a Chinese evil genius.  He met all the qualifications to achieve evil genius status.  A cool lair with many torture rooms, moats, and bloodthirsty panda bear guards.  Minions (by the millions) to do his evil bidding.  An excellent selection of weapons, chief among these being: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to taking over the world.  Fortunately, he was stopped at Taiwan… the “other” China.  Get over it, Olympic Leadership Council.

     Ho Chi Minh.  Definitely evil, definitely a genius.  Not Chinese, you say?  Well, why don’t you just humor me on this one.  I mean after all, if either Shanghai or Hanoi went up in radioactive smoke, I’d like you to tell me what the diff is.  Oh, c’mon, it’s satire.

     Dr. Evil.  Again, not Chinese you say?  Well, he has got that whole Chinese bald head thing going on and he does kinda talk funny, so I’m going to put this one in the win column.

     Charlie Chan.  “Wait a minute,” you say?  “He’s a good guy,” you say?  So, if Charlie Chan was such a good detective for the Honolulu PD, why is it he never was able to catch Wo Fat, who even now plagues McGarrett and Five-O in their crime fighting?  My theory: Charlie Chan and Wo Fat were in on it together, probably with the help of Fu Manchu, the only evil genius to have a mustache named after him.  Never seen anyone wearing a “Ho Chi Minh,” no matter how much he tried breaking into the evil mustache market.  Ho Chi Minh… yeah, he may have been an evil genius but really, what a jabroni.

"We'll meet again, Dr. Quest!"

     And finally, the evil genius who’s been pulling all the strings.  The puppet master behind all the other “wanna-be” evil geniuses.  Yes, it’s Dr. Zin, the arch-nemesis of Dr. Benton Quest.  Week after week he would try various methods to gain the upper hand and defeat the United States.  He used evil spider-like robot spies, flying saucers, replacement doubles of Quest’s bodyguard, "Race" Bannon, and hollow volcano lairs to implement his plans.  Fortunately for us, Jonny, Hadji & Bandit were always on guard, protecting our country from the vile attempts of the evil Dr. Zin.  And even though he was defeated time after time, he always came back.  Always with a new plan, a new attempt at world domination.  We may have won all the battles up to now but just remember:  “We’ll meet again, Dr. Quest, yes, we’ll meet again… muahahahaha!!!”  Harrumph…

Poll #23 Interview with H.A. Rrumph

     “Good afternoon.  The ghost of Walter Cronkite here, reporting from the undisclosed HARRUMPH bunker site, well equipped with end-of-the-world supplies, including the world-famous "great wall of ammunition," miniature grenade range, and ping-pong table.  I’m here today to interview Mr. H.A. Rrumph, resident Evil Genius in Charge.”

     “First of all, let me thank you, Mr. Rrumph, for allowing me and my ghostly TV crew in here today.  I’m sure you don’t get many visitors since this is an undisclosed site.”

     “Certainly, Walter.  We at HARRUMPH are always glad to receive a member of the press, and, of course, a giant in the industry, such as yourself, is a special honor.  And no, we don’t get many visitors here.”  *chuckle*  “Certainly not many who are then allowed to leave.”

     “So what first got you interested in becoming an evil genius?”

     “Well, this is a rather interesting story.  Do you remember when you were in grade school and they administered aptitude tests?  You know, some kids were best suited to be police officers, some teachers, others truck drivers and farmers.  Well, the first thing I was especially suited for was ‘King/Dictator.’  Well you know there aren’t many openings for King of America so I discarded that choice.  The second choice was ‘Neptune, God of the Seas.’  I must admit, I’m not truly comfortable in the water so I had to eliminate that choice.”

     “And the third?”

    “Ah yes, the third choice was ‘Evil Genius.’  I can see the computer-generated test results even now, in my mind’s eye.  ‘Evil Genius.’  The words sounded like the first tweet of a baby bird in springtime.” *hands form finger pyramid of evil contemplation*  “Well, once I saw that, I knew it was for me.  I built my evil organization by stepping on the necks of others and haven’t looked back since.”

     “Mr. Rrumph, the stated goal of your organization is to, and I quote, ‘Take over the world.’  Don’t you think that goes too far?”

     “Well Walter, I think it’s important to have a goal.  It gives the organization something to move toward; something that, once attained, any survivors can look back and say ‘Wow, I climbed that mountain.  I was all I could be.’  The U.S. Army uses the same techniques.  I mean, what would you have as our goal?  To take over Jersey?  I mean, c’mon.”

     “Hmmm, good point.  I never thought of that.”

     “This is the ghost of Walter Cronkite, join us again next week for the second part of our interview with Mr. H.A. Rrumph, evil genius.”