Harrumph File #087 09.25.2011_ Extinct animals and who really cares?

     The Dodo bird.  Do you miss it?  Has your life drastically changed because there are no dodo birds left in the world?  Has human civilization suffered greatly since the dodo went extinct in 1662 (or 1681, depending on which sighting you believe to be the actual “last sighting” of a live dodo.  But truly, who really cares if it was 1662 or 1681?  I mean what difference does it make?)

     The dodo bird is gone, just like a million, billion other species that existed at one time or another on this planet.  And, out of those million, billion different animal and plant species that have come and gone, how many can you name?  Five?  Ten?  Yep, that’s right, out of all those animals & plants that died out you don’t even know about most of them.  Sure, you know about the dinosaurs (that’s the big one.)  They lived for millions of years before they were wiped out in the biggest “global climate change” event in history.  A climate change event that produced more “pollutants” in the atmosphere (remember, dust is being regulated as a pollutant now) than mankind has produced or will produce in the next thousand years!  And you know what? It wasn’t even mankind’s fault.

Whoooa!  Hope you can tread water buddy!!

     So, my point is:  who really cares about extinct animals?  Why are we so worried about the snail darter?  Who cares if spotted owls go the way of the dodo?  If polar bears die out, why should we give a rat’s ass?

     Ok, ok, before you go off into your Berkeley-inspired rant about man not having the right to put these species in danger of extinction and that if there are no more polar bears (I do hope that when the last polar bear goes it is just like the famous pictures of the one standing on a small iceberg melting away…great theater) that it will affect mankind in some adverse way like a butterfly flapping it’s wings in India or something, let me give you my theory on the “circle of life.”  (Disney music cues here… “Pennsylvaniaaaaaaaaaaa…… pink pajamas, penguins on the bottom…. pink pajamas, penguins on the bottom…. pink pajamas, penguins on the bottom….”  That’s the opening line to the Lion King’s “Circle of Life” song.  Not really, but it does sound like it.  Go ahead and check it out on YouTube, I’ll wait for you here.)

     Ok, so we all agree that that Rafiki is quite the character, but if him and all the other baboons on earth disappeared… so what?  “Oh, we can’t have that,” you say because baboons are part of the “way of nature.”  They do something (who knows what?) that creates a balance and if they were gone then nature would become imbalanced and it could be… catastrophic.  Just like the butterfly in India causing hurricanes in the Gulf of Mexico, the disappearance of a single species in one place could create havoc around the world!

     Ummm, no.  What havoc did the loss of the dodo bird cause?  What havoc would be brought by snail darters dying out?  What havoc would be created by the last polar bear slipping silently beneath the waves?  Oh sure, maybe nature would be thrown out of whack for a little bit, but it’ll recover.

     Let’s take the case of one of the environmental movement’s favorites:  The polar bear.  Arguments against polar bears going extinct:  1. Nature will be thrown out of whack.  2. Future generations will never get to see polar bears.  3. Polar bears are noble creatures and we have no right to kill them off (because, it is us, humankind, that is causing polar bears to go extinct… remember the iceberg.)

     Ok, #1:  Yes, nature would be thrown out of whack and more seals would live to maturity.  After all, polar bears feed on seals.  And not just seals, but seal pups… little ones who may have just opened their eyes for the first time… only to look into the saliva-dripping jaws of an incredibly hungry mama polar bear.  Truly, if seals could scream, baby seals within their last minute on earth would be experts.  So, without these roaring, heavy-breathing, hungry bears to rip the flesh from baby seal bones (actually, the bear would just chomp the whole thing down, including the head & the butt… ewww.) more of these seals would grow up, procreate (that means making more non-screaming baby seals,) and eat more fish… until the population got to the point that the food supply could support… and the population would stabilize… until nature devised a replacement for polar bears (nature is really good at filling niches,) maybe in the form of gigantic, fur-covered, baby seal eating, hungry frogs.  Now wouldn’t that be cool!  You see, we don’t know what kind of cool, new animals we’re missing out on because we’re saddled with the same, old, tired animals that have been around forever!  Just think, if you had lived millions of years ago you could have seen dinosaurs.  And then, just as you got bored with them, sabre-toothed tigers (if you had like, a million year life span.)  Anyway, the point is that we don’t know what we’re missing because current species are in the way.

     #2:  Future generations will never get to see polar bears if we let them go extinct.  Ok, so really, does this affect most people anyway?  We have like, six or seven billion people on this planet.  How many have seen polar bears?  And I’m not talking about that sad clown of a bear begging for popcorn at the zoo.  He doesn’t count.  They may as well have taken a brown bear and painted him white for all you care.  No, zoo animals don’t really count.  I mean, would you want an alien culture to judge all of mankind based on our prison population?  Umm, no.

     Besides, with computer graphics, future generations don’t even need to see real bears.  And, with the technological leaps that we can expect in things like virtual reality, your grandchildren will be able to walk onto that shrinking iceberg and actually ride the last polar bear on earth like a horse if they want.  All with no saliva, bad breath, or screaming like a baby seal.  Heck, polar bears of virtual reality will probably even be able to talk and dance around… maybe even morph into a snail darter or dinosaur.  Virtual reality… way better than real reality.

            Finally, #3.  We have no right to kill off, through our vile use of fossil fuels, other species like the polar bears.  Remember people; polar bears are bears, something that I’ve been warning you Harrumphians about for a long time.  Bears, other than dancing, talking, virtual reality bears, are vicious creatures that will rip your face off and eat your eyeballs.  And that’s just for hors d'oeuvres.  Speaking of hors d'oeuvres, I could really go for some buffalo dodo wings, snail darter soup, and a nice, thick polar bear steak, cooked just right… mmmm… welcome to the virtual reality steak house… maybe some soylent green for dessert.  Harrumph…

Harrumph File #086 09.18.2011_ The Original Hawaii 5-O Was So Much Better Than The New One

     “Book ‘em Danno.”  Those three words used to warm the hearts of many Americans (not to mention budding Evil Geniuses,) back in the day when Jack Lord first uttered them, usually preceded by some rather creative uses of the English language, with McGarrett telling the criminal they were about to incarcerate, just what kind of a despicable human being he truly was.  And now we have had a season of Hawaii 5-O, part deux.

     Yeah, the re-make has had some cool plot lines and some neat weapons and terrific scenery, but it’s just missing  something.  Let’s see… the original had Hawaii and the remake has Hawaii, so there’s no change there.  The original had some cool weapons like brand new M-16’s and McGarrett’s nifty little .38 snub-nose.  The re-make has some cool weapons too like SIGs and H&K’s so that pretty much balances out.  The original had some cool plot lines with international intrigue as well as the run-of-the-mill murder.  The re-make does too, including the Evil Genius, Wo Fat, just like the original.  Although the new one I expect at any moment to dramatically reveal a secret ingredient for some “iron chefs” to use in a cooking competition.

     So what is it that the re-make is missing?  I would like to say a good cast, because, you know, you just can’t top the original actors in a hit production.  I mean, it would be like having someone try to out-perform John Wayne as Rooster Cogburn in a pathetic re-make of a timeless classic like “True Grit.”  It just wouldn’t be done.  It would be the height of folly.  It would…(rustling of papers from off-page)  What?  Jeff Bridges?  Matt Damon?  You’re kidding?  (more rustling of papers from off-page.)  Ok, so maybe it would be more like someone re-making a timeless classic like “Planet of the Apes.”  I mean who could top Charleton Heston throwing out lines like: “A planet where apes evolved from men?”  No way, couldn’t be done, height of folly, etc., etc. (more rustling of papers.)  Oh come on, not that too?  And another one?  Without any real apes at all?  Maybe they should’ve named it “Escape from the battling conquest of the not-real planet of the CGI apes.”  Ok, it would be like re-making a timeless classic like “Them!,” or “The Giant Claw,” or “Zontar, the Thing From Venus.”  That last one is pretty cool because if you spell it Zantar then MS Word tells you that you’ve misspelled “Zontar.”  Hmmm, someone at Microsoft is a B-movie buff!

Ewwww!  Book it, Danno!

     Anyway, I’m getting off-topic here so I’ll bring it back by telling you just what’s missing from the new “Hawaii 5-O.”  You may have guessed it, but for those of you that live on dunderhead island here it is:  Yes, it’s those simple three words, “book ‘em, Danno.”  Now, I know the new McGarrett used them in the pilot episode, but I don’t believe he’s uttered them once the balance of the season.

     Now, the real McGarrett was a true artist in the use of that phrase.  You could always count on him to come through with a great climax to an hour of excitement, drama, gunplay, blue business suits, and a wave of hair that would rival any Waimea Bay beach breaker.  “You’re the kind of slime ball that I’ll enjoy seeing in the electric chair when they pull that lever down making you dance the dance of an electric puppet.  And afterwards I hope that you burn for eternity in the darkest recesses of the lowest pit of hell, all the while being tormented by the foulest creatures ever cast into the brimstone fire.  Book ‘em, Danno.  Murder One.”  Harrumph…

Harrumph File #085 09.11.2011_ 9/11

     “Duty, Honor, Country: Those three hallowed words reverently dictate what you ought to be, what you can be, what you will be. They are your rallying points: to build courage when courage seems to fail; to regain faith when there seems to be little cause for faith; to create hope when hope becomes forlorn.”

     So began General Douglas MacArthur’s speech to the corps of cadets at West Point, 12 May, 1962 upon accepting the Thayer Award, an annual tribute to outstanding citizens of the United States.

     Duty, Honor, Country.  The motto of West Point, the academy that produces the leaders of the U.S. Army, many of whom have fought to protect us in Iraq, Afghanistan & other, unnamed places that will never appear in the newspapers or cable news broadcasts.

     We expect our warfighters to exemplify the best ideals of our country.  We expect our soldiers to conduct themselves with bravery, compassion, and courage wherever they deploy.  We expect the best from them and we receive it from every member.

     However, today we do not honor just our service members.  Today we honor the ordinary citizens who took on the burden normally associated with our soldiers fighting in combat zones half a world away.

     Duty. Honor. Country.  These ideals were held high by the police officers, the firefighters, the airline passengers, the secretaries, the cab drivers… the ordinary citizens who found themselves in the combat zone that was New York; that was Washington D.C.; that was a hijacked 757, high above the green fields of Pennsylvania.  Courage came when courage seemed to fail; faith was regained when there seemed to be little cause for faith; hope was created when hope appeared forlorn.

     They didn’t ask for it.  They didn’t seek it out.  But, when the time came they responded.  Not with trumpets blaring or drums beating, they responded without thought for themselves but for their fellow citizens, their fellow Americans.  They went into the burning buildings, seeking out those who were trapped.  They went into the flames of the Pentagon, bringing out those that were too injured to move on their own.  They counter-attacked in the air, knowing their chances were slim to take back the aircraft, and saved countless lives in the Capitol.  Duty, Honor, Country. They were the finest among us.

     The list is too long to reproduce here so I will honor them with the words of President Lincoln, spoken 148 years ago, in Gettysburg, but just as applicable to the fallen of 9/11 today.

     “…But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate - we can not consecrate - we can not hallow - this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us - that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion - that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain - that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom - and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”

Harrumph File #084 09.04.2011_ The Rules Of Evil Geniuses

     Everywhere I go people ask me about the difficulties of running a near-world-wide evil organization.  Actually, if you subscribe to the right set of principles and regulations, it’s rather easy.  So, here at HARRUMPH, we employ the single most used set of by-laws in the evil industry,  “Robert’s Rules Of Evil Genius-run Organizations,” officially published in 2010 but used in one way or another for many decades.

     These are ten simple rules that, if strictly adhered to, will place your organization at the forefront of the evil industry.  So, without further ado, here are “Robert’s Rules Of Evil Genius-run Organizations.”

Rule #1: Make sure your evil organization has a cool name/acronym... Muahaha.

Obviously, evil organizations need to have a name or acronym that they are known by.  If they didn’t have a unique name then minions, anti-evil assets, and even “the press” could get you confused with other unnamed, evil organizations that might be operating in the same area.  Our acronym is H.A.R.R.U.M.P.H.  You can see what each letter stands for in the following graphic:

H.              Headquarters of

A.              Antagonistic

R.              Rogues and

R.              Reprobates

U.              Using

M.             Mind control,

P.              Psychology, and

H.              Haranguing

Rule #2: Always reveal your evil plan to anti-evil (never “good”) forces that you capture so that you may “savor” their shocked reaction... Muahaha.

     Everyone has a need for acceptance and this even includes evil geniuses.  In order to receive appropriate accolades from any foes that are captured in the course of their duties, evil geniuses are encouraged to explain, usually in great detail, any evil plans they are working on that a particular anti-evil agent has been sent to thwart.  There are several reasons for this.  First, by explaining evil plans, the evil genius can “savor” the reaction of his foes.  This is very important, as it builds the confidence of the evil genius, which can lead to even greater plans in the future.  Also, it is just plain fun to enjoy watching your enemy’s attitude go from cockiness, to realization, to despair…muahaha!!!  You will also note that we refer to foes as “anti-evil” forces.  They are never referred to as “good” forces or “good” guys.  We do this because they simply are not “good.”  They are constantly trying to thwart our plans, arrest our minions, and eliminate our henchmen.  This is not “good.”

Rule #3: Always dispose of anti-evil forces that you capture in interesting & complicated ways that take time, so that you may “savor” the moment of their ultimate defeat. However, never stick around for the final act, blood is yucky... Muahaha.

     After capturing, torturing and revealing plans to anti-evil forces, they must be disposed of.  Like most other evil organizations out there, HARRUMPH policy dictates that prisoners are not simply shot or beheaded out of hand.  This is just not evil enough.  Disposal of prisoners should always follow some kind of logic which leads to the “ultimate” act.  The run up to the end should take time so that the Minion-in-Charge, or even the Evil Genius himself, if present, can enjoy the squirmings and lamentations of the anti-evil character being disposed of.  Time also forces the “disposee” to confront his (or her) final demise.   Never stay through the final act though, you don’t want to get blood on your tunic or show weakness by vomiting.

Rule #4: Recruit only interesting and unique “characters” as minions and henchmen. At least one minion should wear leather gloves at all times.  Also, henchmen should have some kind of “special ability” or skill with a particularly weird or obscure weapon... Muahaha.

     Minions and henchmen are the “face” of an evil organization.  As such, they will be the ones that project an initial impression for opponents, competitors, and the public.  You always want to form a good first impression.  This is very important, especially in today’s competitive environment.  Therefore, minions should always “stand out” from the crowd.  At HARRUMPH, we like to hire interesting characters that people will be more apt to remember.  We certainly don’t want another evil organization getting credit for our work!  Henchmen are the “muscle” behind evil plans, and as such, they should possess some kind of special ability with a unique or obscure weapon.  This adds to the impression that our organization is special.

Rule #5: Minions are numbered.  Henchmen are nicknamed... Muahaha.

     Historically, minions are numbered (notice the beauty of this idea: you can have an infinite number of minions!) and henchmen should always be named after their special ability or something else “catchy.”  Always use the title “Number” when speaking to minions (i.e. “Number Five, destroy them all!”)  this fosters a professional environment.  HARRUMPH names our henchmen after their special ability if possible, this helps terrify our opponents and make our operations more memorable (i.e. “Gas cloud, snuff out the hostages!  Muahahaha!”)

Rule #6: Always pit minions against each other, so that no one minion becomes strong enough to overthrow your evil organization... Muahaha.

     This rule should need no explaining.  Minions learn their evil craft from the evil genius himself, if they learn too well they could become a threat.  Pitting minions against each other helps to keep the advantage.

Rule #7: Practice your evil laugh every day... Muahaha.

     You always want to project an image of “command.”  By practicing your evil laugh you will be able to perfect it, allowing you to intimidate any “anti-evil” forces which you encounter, as well as your minions.  Make sure your minions know that when the Evil Genius laughs, they had better be prepared to participate.  Neglecting this simple, yet effective evil tool is foolhardy and should be avoided.  Besides, it puts you in an excellent mood. A seasoned evil genius will combine his (or her) laugh with the “Finger Pyramid of Evil Contemplation.”  However, this is an advanced technique and should only be employed once the evil laugh is mastered. 

Rule #8: Always think “big” when considering your evil plans. Blueprints are helpful... Muahaha.

     Always “think big.”  After all, if you’re not playing in the big leagues, why play at all?  Also, using blueprints to explain your plans to your minions lends an air of professionalism to your evil tasks.

Rule #9: Invest in an interesting pet.  They help to relieve the stress of running an evil empire. Fill the moat of your stronghold with sharks or another cool man-killer... Muahaha.

     Our favorite interesting pet here at HARRUMPH is “Princess Pez.”  You can see her Pezventures on YouTube channel WarmBlanketStudios.  Our moat is usually filled with crocodiles who are feed once a month to keep them hungry so they are more effective in the many “trials of a thousand crocodiles” that are conducted at HARRUMPH.

Prepare to face the trial of a thousand crocodiles!! Muahaha!

Rule #10: Trust no one... Muahaha.

     Inform your minions to not become offended if the Evil Genius does not seem to trust them.  It’s not personal, it’s just business.  Harrumph…