Harrumph File #076 07.10.2011_It’s High Time We Did Something About Mars

     “Space shuttle Atlantis lifted off from Launch Pad 39A at NASA’s Kennedy Space Center in Florida at 11:29 a.m. EDT, July 8, 2011 on the STS-135 mission and final flight of the Space Shuttle Program. Atlantis’ final flight will cap off an amazing 30-year program of exploration, which launched great observatories, built an International Space Station, and taught us how humans can live, work and thrive in space.”  This is how, on their web-site, NASA announced the end of the Space Shuttle Program.  Just a hum-drum paragraph that had as much passion as someone saying something like “Who spilled milk in the refrigerator?”

     Now, this is how I would have announced the end of the program:  “Space shuttle Atlantis lifted off from Launch Pad 39A at NASA’s Kennedy Space Center in Florida at 11:29 a.m. EDT, July 8, 2011 on the STS-135 mission and final flight of the Space Shuttle Program.  No longer will we transport Americans into space aboard reliable American-built vehicles, but will have to rely on rickety made Russian pieces of crap that they’ve put together from boxes of old pinball parts.  NASA stands ready to watch ChiCom astronauts go to the moon from the safety of our living rooms.  We partner with other non-space faring nations as we watch India, Germany, and even *shudder* France exploit the mineral riches of the asteroid belt, Mars, and perhaps even as they tap the energy of the sun itself.  Damn, it’s great to be second best!  But you’ve got your food stamps and your universal health care queues so I guess we can’t complain.”

     Well, I’m complaining.  Look, I hate it that America has turned into nothing but a “gimmie, gimmie, gimmie” society like Europe.  When more than half the population is on the “taking” end of the system, they’ll just keep demanding more and more of the pie and their numbers will grow as if it’s zombie apocalypse.  The way things are going, pretty soon “basic” human rights are going to include cars, cable TV, air conditioning, and a monthly ice cream cone allowance.  And I’m getting downright pissed at all the class-envy that’s going on.  There used to be a time when Americans aspired to being in a position where you could ride in a corporate jet.  Nowadays, people practically want the government to shoot them down… that’ll teach those evil millionaires and billionaires!

     What we need now is not class-envy.  We do not need division.  What we need is something to bring us together.  Something to remind us that we are Americans!  We are not a second class country like Spain or Bangladesh (oops… those are actually “third” class countries… how about Canada or India?)  Anyway, we need something like NASA to save our country from the after effects of post-colonial greatness.  After all, we don’t want to end up like Britain, do we?

     So I say it right here, right now:  It’s high time we did something about Mars!  And NASA will lead the way.  When we needed computers, who did we turn to?  NASA.  When we needed rockets, who did we turn to?  NASA.  When we needed tang, who did we turn to? NASA.  So now, it’s time to turn to NASA once again.  We’re going to need bigger rockets, bigger ships, landing craft, drop ships, lasers, independently targeting particle-beam phalanxes, tactical smart-missiles, phased-plasma pulse-rifles, RPG's, sonic electronic ballbreakers, nukes, knives...sharp sticks.  And NASA will be the way we get them.

Isn't this much cooler than that monstrosity we've got up there now?

     Think of it as a great crusade.  First we build our own space station.  A giant wheel like in “2001: A Space Odyssey.”  We don’t need no stinking international crap.  We’re Americans and we’ve been going it alone since the beginning!  Then we return to the moon and establish a base.  From there we move on to Mars itself!  After all, Mars is just sitting there, staring at us… and laughing.  I know, I’ve seen the pictures of the face on Mars.  Soon that Martian face will be replaced with a monument that will dwarf Mount Rushmore!  Yes, I can see it now!  American faces!  The faces of Kennedy, Nixon, Reagan, and whoever is the next guy to become president!  All looking down from Mars and laughing.  Laughing at the ChiComs, the Indians, the Russians, the French and the Germans, and all the rest.  Mars will be ours!  All of it’s resources, all of it’s riches, all of it’s secrets!

     We can become great again!  We can avoid the malaise of Britishdom!  We can remain strong!  We can remain number one!  Bring our troops home from Afghanistan!  Bring our troops home from Iraq!  Bring our troops home from Libya (if we have any there!)  Bring our troops home from Germany… and send them to Mars!  The rest of you can have the Earth, we claim the stars!  Harrumph…