Harrumph File #086 09.18.2011_ The Original Hawaii 5-O Was So Much Better Than The New One

     “Book ‘em Danno.”  Those three words used to warm the hearts of many Americans (not to mention budding Evil Geniuses,) back in the day when Jack Lord first uttered them, usually preceded by some rather creative uses of the English language, with McGarrett telling the criminal they were about to incarcerate, just what kind of a despicable human being he truly was.  And now we have had a season of Hawaii 5-O, part deux.

     Yeah, the re-make has had some cool plot lines and some neat weapons and terrific scenery, but it’s just missing  something.  Let’s see… the original had Hawaii and the remake has Hawaii, so there’s no change there.  The original had some cool weapons like brand new M-16’s and McGarrett’s nifty little .38 snub-nose.  The re-make has some cool weapons too like SIGs and H&K’s so that pretty much balances out.  The original had some cool plot lines with international intrigue as well as the run-of-the-mill murder.  The re-make does too, including the Evil Genius, Wo Fat, just like the original.  Although the new one I expect at any moment to dramatically reveal a secret ingredient for some “iron chefs” to use in a cooking competition.

     So what is it that the re-make is missing?  I would like to say a good cast, because, you know, you just can’t top the original actors in a hit production.  I mean, it would be like having someone try to out-perform John Wayne as Rooster Cogburn in a pathetic re-make of a timeless classic like “True Grit.”  It just wouldn’t be done.  It would be the height of folly.  It would…(rustling of papers from off-page)  What?  Jeff Bridges?  Matt Damon?  You’re kidding?  (more rustling of papers from off-page.)  Ok, so maybe it would be more like someone re-making a timeless classic like “Planet of the Apes.”  I mean who could top Charleton Heston throwing out lines like: “A planet where apes evolved from men?”  No way, couldn’t be done, height of folly, etc., etc. (more rustling of papers.)  Oh come on, not that too?  And another one?  Without any real apes at all?  Maybe they should’ve named it “Escape from the battling conquest of the not-real planet of the CGI apes.”  Ok, it would be like re-making a timeless classic like “Them!,” or “The Giant Claw,” or “Zontar, the Thing From Venus.”  That last one is pretty cool because if you spell it Zantar then MS Word tells you that you’ve misspelled “Zontar.”  Hmmm, someone at Microsoft is a B-movie buff!

Ewwww!  Book it, Danno!

     Anyway, I’m getting off-topic here so I’ll bring it back by telling you just what’s missing from the new “Hawaii 5-O.”  You may have guessed it, but for those of you that live on dunderhead island here it is:  Yes, it’s those simple three words, “book ‘em, Danno.”  Now, I know the new McGarrett used them in the pilot episode, but I don’t believe he’s uttered them once the balance of the season.

     Now, the real McGarrett was a true artist in the use of that phrase.  You could always count on him to come through with a great climax to an hour of excitement, drama, gunplay, blue business suits, and a wave of hair that would rival any Waimea Bay beach breaker.  “You’re the kind of slime ball that I’ll enjoy seeing in the electric chair when they pull that lever down making you dance the dance of an electric puppet.  And afterwards I hope that you burn for eternity in the darkest recesses of the lowest pit of hell, all the while being tormented by the foulest creatures ever cast into the brimstone fire.  Book ‘em, Danno.  Murder One.”  Harrumph…

Harrumph File #085 09.11.2011_ 9/11

     “Duty, Honor, Country: Those three hallowed words reverently dictate what you ought to be, what you can be, what you will be. They are your rallying points: to build courage when courage seems to fail; to regain faith when there seems to be little cause for faith; to create hope when hope becomes forlorn.”

     So began General Douglas MacArthur’s speech to the corps of cadets at West Point, 12 May, 1962 upon accepting the Thayer Award, an annual tribute to outstanding citizens of the United States.

     Duty, Honor, Country.  The motto of West Point, the academy that produces the leaders of the U.S. Army, many of whom have fought to protect us in Iraq, Afghanistan & other, unnamed places that will never appear in the newspapers or cable news broadcasts.

     We expect our warfighters to exemplify the best ideals of our country.  We expect our soldiers to conduct themselves with bravery, compassion, and courage wherever they deploy.  We expect the best from them and we receive it from every member.

     However, today we do not honor just our service members.  Today we honor the ordinary citizens who took on the burden normally associated with our soldiers fighting in combat zones half a world away.

     Duty. Honor. Country.  These ideals were held high by the police officers, the firefighters, the airline passengers, the secretaries, the cab drivers… the ordinary citizens who found themselves in the combat zone that was New York; that was Washington D.C.; that was a hijacked 757, high above the green fields of Pennsylvania.  Courage came when courage seemed to fail; faith was regained when there seemed to be little cause for faith; hope was created when hope appeared forlorn.

     They didn’t ask for it.  They didn’t seek it out.  But, when the time came they responded.  Not with trumpets blaring or drums beating, they responded without thought for themselves but for their fellow citizens, their fellow Americans.  They went into the burning buildings, seeking out those who were trapped.  They went into the flames of the Pentagon, bringing out those that were too injured to move on their own.  They counter-attacked in the air, knowing their chances were slim to take back the aircraft, and saved countless lives in the Capitol.  Duty, Honor, Country. They were the finest among us.

     The list is too long to reproduce here so I will honor them with the words of President Lincoln, spoken 148 years ago, in Gettysburg, but just as applicable to the fallen of 9/11 today.

     “…But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate - we can not consecrate - we can not hallow - this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us - that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion - that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain - that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom - and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”

Harrumph File #084 09.04.2011_ The Rules Of Evil Geniuses

     Everywhere I go people ask me about the difficulties of running a near-world-wide evil organization.  Actually, if you subscribe to the right set of principles and regulations, it’s rather easy.  So, here at HARRUMPH, we employ the single most used set of by-laws in the evil industry,  “Robert’s Rules Of Evil Genius-run Organizations,” officially published in 2010 but used in one way or another for many decades.

     These are ten simple rules that, if strictly adhered to, will place your organization at the forefront of the evil industry.  So, without further ado, here are “Robert’s Rules Of Evil Genius-run Organizations.”

Rule #1: Make sure your evil organization has a cool name/acronym... Muahaha.

Obviously, evil organizations need to have a name or acronym that they are known by.  If they didn’t have a unique name then minions, anti-evil assets, and even “the press” could get you confused with other unnamed, evil organizations that might be operating in the same area.  Our acronym is H.A.R.R.U.M.P.H.  You can see what each letter stands for in the following graphic:

H.              Headquarters of

A.              Antagonistic

R.              Rogues and

R.              Reprobates

U.              Using

M.             Mind control,

P.              Psychology, and

H.              Haranguing

Rule #2: Always reveal your evil plan to anti-evil (never “good”) forces that you capture so that you may “savor” their shocked reaction... Muahaha.

     Everyone has a need for acceptance and this even includes evil geniuses.  In order to receive appropriate accolades from any foes that are captured in the course of their duties, evil geniuses are encouraged to explain, usually in great detail, any evil plans they are working on that a particular anti-evil agent has been sent to thwart.  There are several reasons for this.  First, by explaining evil plans, the evil genius can “savor” the reaction of his foes.  This is very important, as it builds the confidence of the evil genius, which can lead to even greater plans in the future.  Also, it is just plain fun to enjoy watching your enemy’s attitude go from cockiness, to realization, to despair…muahaha!!!  You will also note that we refer to foes as “anti-evil” forces.  They are never referred to as “good” forces or “good” guys.  We do this because they simply are not “good.”  They are constantly trying to thwart our plans, arrest our minions, and eliminate our henchmen.  This is not “good.”

Rule #3: Always dispose of anti-evil forces that you capture in interesting & complicated ways that take time, so that you may “savor” the moment of their ultimate defeat. However, never stick around for the final act, blood is yucky... Muahaha.

     After capturing, torturing and revealing plans to anti-evil forces, they must be disposed of.  Like most other evil organizations out there, HARRUMPH policy dictates that prisoners are not simply shot or beheaded out of hand.  This is just not evil enough.  Disposal of prisoners should always follow some kind of logic which leads to the “ultimate” act.  The run up to the end should take time so that the Minion-in-Charge, or even the Evil Genius himself, if present, can enjoy the squirmings and lamentations of the anti-evil character being disposed of.  Time also forces the “disposee” to confront his (or her) final demise.   Never stay through the final act though, you don’t want to get blood on your tunic or show weakness by vomiting.

Rule #4: Recruit only interesting and unique “characters” as minions and henchmen. At least one minion should wear leather gloves at all times.  Also, henchmen should have some kind of “special ability” or skill with a particularly weird or obscure weapon... Muahaha.

     Minions and henchmen are the “face” of an evil organization.  As such, they will be the ones that project an initial impression for opponents, competitors, and the public.  You always want to form a good first impression.  This is very important, especially in today’s competitive environment.  Therefore, minions should always “stand out” from the crowd.  At HARRUMPH, we like to hire interesting characters that people will be more apt to remember.  We certainly don’t want another evil organization getting credit for our work!  Henchmen are the “muscle” behind evil plans, and as such, they should possess some kind of special ability with a unique or obscure weapon.  This adds to the impression that our organization is special.

Rule #5: Minions are numbered.  Henchmen are nicknamed... Muahaha.

     Historically, minions are numbered (notice the beauty of this idea: you can have an infinite number of minions!) and henchmen should always be named after their special ability or something else “catchy.”  Always use the title “Number” when speaking to minions (i.e. “Number Five, destroy them all!”)  this fosters a professional environment.  HARRUMPH names our henchmen after their special ability if possible, this helps terrify our opponents and make our operations more memorable (i.e. “Gas cloud, snuff out the hostages!  Muahahaha!”)

Rule #6: Always pit minions against each other, so that no one minion becomes strong enough to overthrow your evil organization... Muahaha.

     This rule should need no explaining.  Minions learn their evil craft from the evil genius himself, if they learn too well they could become a threat.  Pitting minions against each other helps to keep the advantage.

Rule #7: Practice your evil laugh every day... Muahaha.

     You always want to project an image of “command.”  By practicing your evil laugh you will be able to perfect it, allowing you to intimidate any “anti-evil” forces which you encounter, as well as your minions.  Make sure your minions know that when the Evil Genius laughs, they had better be prepared to participate.  Neglecting this simple, yet effective evil tool is foolhardy and should be avoided.  Besides, it puts you in an excellent mood. A seasoned evil genius will combine his (or her) laugh with the “Finger Pyramid of Evil Contemplation.”  However, this is an advanced technique and should only be employed once the evil laugh is mastered. 

Rule #8: Always think “big” when considering your evil plans. Blueprints are helpful... Muahaha.

     Always “think big.”  After all, if you’re not playing in the big leagues, why play at all?  Also, using blueprints to explain your plans to your minions lends an air of professionalism to your evil tasks.

Rule #9: Invest in an interesting pet.  They help to relieve the stress of running an evil empire. Fill the moat of your stronghold with sharks or another cool man-killer... Muahaha.

     Our favorite interesting pet here at HARRUMPH is “Princess Pez.”  You can see her Pezventures on YouTube channel WarmBlanketStudios.  Our moat is usually filled with crocodiles who are feed once a month to keep them hungry so they are more effective in the many “trials of a thousand crocodiles” that are conducted at HARRUMPH.

Prepare to face the trial of a thousand crocodiles!! Muahaha!

Rule #10: Trust no one... Muahaha.

     Inform your minions to not become offended if the Evil Genius does not seem to trust them.  It’s not personal, it’s just business.  Harrumph…