Harrumph File #044 11.28.2010_ChiComs on the run!

To the Congress of Minions of the Harrumph Organization:

Sunday, November 21^st, 2010 - a date which will live in outfamy (the opposite of infamy) - the ChiCom menace was suddenly and deliberately attacked by forces of the Harrumph organization.

The Harrumph organization was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of the ChiComs, was still in conversation with the government and its evil overlords looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific.

Indeed, one hour after Harrumph air squadrons had commenced carpet-bombing of the Chinese mainland, the heathen ChiCom ambassador to Harrumph and his colleagues delivered to the office secretary a formal reply to a recent Harrumph message. While this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or armed attack.  Therefore, we struck.

It will be recorded that the distance of China from the undisclosed Harrumph bunker site makes it obvious that our attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time, we deliberately sought to deceive the ChiComs by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.  In this way we used their own unscrupulous methods against them.

The initial attack yesterday on the Chinese mainland has caused severe damage to their slave labor factories. Very many bootleg DVDs were destroyed. In addition, the single ChiCom ballistic missile submarine, the “Ding Dong,” has been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.

In September, the Harrumph organization also conquered Singapore.

In September, the Harrumph organization also conquered Australia.

In September, the Harrumph organization also conquered New Zealand.

In November, the Harrumph organization also conquered Malaysia.

In November, the Harrumph organization also conquered Indonesia.

In November, the Harrumph organization also conquered Japan.

We should've let MacArthur finish the job in '51. Harrumph!!!

The Harrumph organization has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of September and November speak for themselves. The minions of the Harrumph organization have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our evil institution.

As Evil Genius in Charge of the Harrumph organization, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense.  Always will we remember the character of the onslaught we have begun.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome the forces arrayed against us, the minions and henchmen of the Harrumph organization in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.

I believe I interpret the will of the minions and of the henchmen when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the utmost, but will make very certain that this form of treachery shall never be used against us.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger.

With confidence in our Harrumph forces - with the unbounding determination of our people - we will gain the inevitable triumph - so help us God.

I ask that the Congress of Minions declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by us on Sunday, November 21^st, a state of war has existed between the Harrumph organization and the evil ChiCom menace.  To victory, and beyond!  Harrumph…

ChiComs defeated by the evil HARRUMPH organization! Poll #14

     It has been said that there are so many Chinese that you could walk the population of China 8 abreast into the sea and never run out.  For that reason, and for the unfortunate wall they built ages ago, an invasion of China has always been problematic.  Well, the evil HARRUMPH organization has solved the riddle to the key to China… carpet-bombing.

     In order to assist the United States in paying off the enormous debt they have accumulated in their pursuit of happiness, HARRUMPH has contracted to use U.S. Air Force B-52 and B-1 squadrons in their air campaign.  By using air assets, HARRUMPH has bypassed the “great” wall of foolishness the Chinese have been relying on for protection for centuries.  Carpet-bombing is also very useful in reducing infantry-heavy ChiCom units.

     In the future, our forces will continue to eradicate the ChiCom menace wherever we find it.  We will use every tool at our disposal; from self-actuating, flame-throwing security units, to autonomous gatling gun equipped Roombas, to parachuting genetically engineered velociraptors behind Chinese lines.  To victory, and beyond!

Research & Development division Poll #13 ends

     Once again, the Research and Development division of the HARRUMPH organization would like to introduce Professor Henry Smith, American citizen:

     “Umm, gut mornink everyvun.  Vee haf zee poll results available for you… hmmm… mmm (*Once again, a kind of a weird, muffled giggle*.)  It zeems people are not very annoyed at digital clocks at all und zey are only zlightly annoyed at people who don’t know vat und analog clock iz or cannot read vun.  But, zey ARE raszer annoyed at people who cannot get to zeir appointments on time!  I qvite agree!  hmmm… mmm.   Vat iz zee use uf organization if zee folk do not follow zee lead uf zee leader und be on time!  ON TIME UND ON TARGET!  (*mumbling from off stage*) hmmm… mmm.   No, I am fine.  I do not need a drink uf vater.  Az I vuz sayink,  it iz up to zee folk.  Zee leadership may set zee policy, but it iz up to zee folk to implement zee plans… hmmm… mmm.   Zey must be in goozeztep… I mean… lockztep… hmmm… mmm… if zey are to be zuczezzful!  If only zee folk had delayed zee Bolsheviks anozer zree or four months I could haf perfected zee gyroscopic mechanizum und actually hit zee Parliament buildink, or maybe efun Buckingham Palaze!…  hmmm… mmm.   Yez, zat would haf brought zee English to zee negotiatink table…”  (*running shoe noises from off stage as they rush the podium*)

     “Thank you, Professor Henry Smith, for your… ummm, unique insight into this week’s poll results.” (*mumbling from off stage*)  “No, just bring him down to his lab and wait for me.”

     “Anyway, thank you for your attention, and, ummm… the professor just wanted me to remind you, ummm… before you go, that he is an American citizen… born in, ummm… Pennsylvania… and has never been to Germany or, ummm… Argentina… ummm… thank you.”