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     It has come to the attention of the management that a new Harrumph File was not posted this last Sunday, October 9th, 2011.  We are investigating and will post further information as it becomes available.  Please stand by...

Harrumph File #088 10.02.2011_ Yes, Virginia, There Are Monster Claws

FROM THE EDITORS:

     We take pleasure in answering at once and thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that it’s faithful author is numbered among the friends of THE HARRUMPH FILES.

“Dear Editor:  I am eight years old.

“Some of my little friends say there are no monster claws.

“Papa says ‘If you see it in THE HARRUMPH FILES it’s so.’

“Pleas tell me the truth;  Are there monster claws?

                                  “Virginia O’Hanlon

“115 West Ninety-fifth street

     VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

     Yes, Virginia, there are monster claws.  They exist as certainly as fear and trepidation exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest feelings of dread and consternation.  They lurk in the dark corners of seldom used rooms.  They scuttle and swarm in the dead space below your bed.  They congregate in the dim, foreboding corners of the back of your clothes closet.

     Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no monster claws. It would be as strange as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to offset the evil of monsters and their sharp, pointy claws. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

     Not believe in monster claws! You might as well not believe in other mythical creatures that no one has ever seen! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the dark corners and under every bed to catch lurking monsters, but even if they did not see the monsters that are surely there, what would that prove?  Monsters are tricky.  Monsters are quick and fast.  Monsters anticipate the exact moment that a child pulls the covers away from the underside of the bed, as they try to catch them in the act of pouncing from under the bed.  Otherwise, how could that creepy clown doll from “Poltergeist” have snuck up on the kid and attacked him just as the kid thought he was safe?  Remember jumping in your seat at the theater when that happened?  He got you too!

     So yes, VIRGINIA, you can look forward to years and years of cowering in fear under your covers at night, knowing that just a blanket width away is a monster with razor-like claws (and really bad breath) just waiting for you to stick your foot out so they can grab it; or daring you to get out of bed and creep across a silent room to close that closet door that you knew was closed when the lights went out but now is mysteriously open… and appears to be opening wider ever so slowly… as if an unknown force is pushing it open from inside the closet.  And even if you make it to the closet and successfully trap the monster inside, you’ll still have to make it back onto the bed and under the covers, where you’re “safe.”  Can you leap from the floor to the bed with enough clearance to prevent a long monster arm from reaching out from under the bed and grabbing your ankle, just when you think you’ve made it?  There’s only one way to know VIRGINIA… Muahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      And, for those skeptics out there who do not believe that there are truly monster claws causing mischief in the night; thumping around and making all kinds of rackets as you try to sleep; eating slippers in the middle of the night; breathing their horrid, monster breath on you or nibbling your fingers and ears incessantly, I have provided proof.  Proof in the form of pictures.  Pictures of the monster that lives in my house.

            Oh wait a minute, that’s no monster, it’s just Miss Peeps.  Harrumph…

Harrumph File #087 09.25.2011_ Extinct animals and who really cares?

     The Dodo bird.  Do you miss it?  Has your life drastically changed because there are no dodo birds left in the world?  Has human civilization suffered greatly since the dodo went extinct in 1662 (or 1681, depending on which sighting you believe to be the actual “last sighting” of a live dodo.  But truly, who really cares if it was 1662 or 1681?  I mean what difference does it make?)

     The dodo bird is gone, just like a million, billion other species that existed at one time or another on this planet.  And, out of those million, billion different animal and plant species that have come and gone, how many can you name?  Five?  Ten?  Yep, that’s right, out of all those animals & plants that died out you don’t even know about most of them.  Sure, you know about the dinosaurs (that’s the big one.)  They lived for millions of years before they were wiped out in the biggest “global climate change” event in history.  A climate change event that produced more “pollutants” in the atmosphere (remember, dust is being regulated as a pollutant now) than mankind has produced or will produce in the next thousand years!  And you know what? It wasn’t even mankind’s fault.

Whoooa!  Hope you can tread water buddy!!

     So, my point is:  who really cares about extinct animals?  Why are we so worried about the snail darter?  Who cares if spotted owls go the way of the dodo?  If polar bears die out, why should we give a rat’s ass?

     Ok, ok, before you go off into your Berkeley-inspired rant about man not having the right to put these species in danger of extinction and that if there are no more polar bears (I do hope that when the last polar bear goes it is just like the famous pictures of the one standing on a small iceberg melting away…great theater) that it will affect mankind in some adverse way like a butterfly flapping it’s wings in India or something, let me give you my theory on the “circle of life.”  (Disney music cues here… “Pennsylvaniaaaaaaaaaaa…… pink pajamas, penguins on the bottom…. pink pajamas, penguins on the bottom…. pink pajamas, penguins on the bottom….”  That’s the opening line to the Lion King’s “Circle of Life” song.  Not really, but it does sound like it.  Go ahead and check it out on YouTube, I’ll wait for you here.)

     Ok, so we all agree that that Rafiki is quite the character, but if him and all the other baboons on earth disappeared… so what?  “Oh, we can’t have that,” you say because baboons are part of the “way of nature.”  They do something (who knows what?) that creates a balance and if they were gone then nature would become imbalanced and it could be… catastrophic.  Just like the butterfly in India causing hurricanes in the Gulf of Mexico, the disappearance of a single species in one place could create havoc around the world!

     Ummm, no.  What havoc did the loss of the dodo bird cause?  What havoc would be brought by snail darters dying out?  What havoc would be created by the last polar bear slipping silently beneath the waves?  Oh sure, maybe nature would be thrown out of whack for a little bit, but it’ll recover.

     Let’s take the case of one of the environmental movement’s favorites:  The polar bear.  Arguments against polar bears going extinct:  1. Nature will be thrown out of whack.  2. Future generations will never get to see polar bears.  3. Polar bears are noble creatures and we have no right to kill them off (because, it is us, humankind, that is causing polar bears to go extinct… remember the iceberg.)

     Ok, #1:  Yes, nature would be thrown out of whack and more seals would live to maturity.  After all, polar bears feed on seals.  And not just seals, but seal pups… little ones who may have just opened their eyes for the first time… only to look into the saliva-dripping jaws of an incredibly hungry mama polar bear.  Truly, if seals could scream, baby seals within their last minute on earth would be experts.  So, without these roaring, heavy-breathing, hungry bears to rip the flesh from baby seal bones (actually, the bear would just chomp the whole thing down, including the head & the butt… ewww.) more of these seals would grow up, procreate (that means making more non-screaming baby seals,) and eat more fish… until the population got to the point that the food supply could support… and the population would stabilize… until nature devised a replacement for polar bears (nature is really good at filling niches,) maybe in the form of gigantic, fur-covered, baby seal eating, hungry frogs.  Now wouldn’t that be cool!  You see, we don’t know what kind of cool, new animals we’re missing out on because we’re saddled with the same, old, tired animals that have been around forever!  Just think, if you had lived millions of years ago you could have seen dinosaurs.  And then, just as you got bored with them, sabre-toothed tigers (if you had like, a million year life span.)  Anyway, the point is that we don’t know what we’re missing because current species are in the way.

     #2:  Future generations will never get to see polar bears if we let them go extinct.  Ok, so really, does this affect most people anyway?  We have like, six or seven billion people on this planet.  How many have seen polar bears?  And I’m not talking about that sad clown of a bear begging for popcorn at the zoo.  He doesn’t count.  They may as well have taken a brown bear and painted him white for all you care.  No, zoo animals don’t really count.  I mean, would you want an alien culture to judge all of mankind based on our prison population?  Umm, no.

     Besides, with computer graphics, future generations don’t even need to see real bears.  And, with the technological leaps that we can expect in things like virtual reality, your grandchildren will be able to walk onto that shrinking iceberg and actually ride the last polar bear on earth like a horse if they want.  All with no saliva, bad breath, or screaming like a baby seal.  Heck, polar bears of virtual reality will probably even be able to talk and dance around… maybe even morph into a snail darter or dinosaur.  Virtual reality… way better than real reality.

            Finally, #3.  We have no right to kill off, through our vile use of fossil fuels, other species like the polar bears.  Remember people; polar bears are bears, something that I’ve been warning you Harrumphians about for a long time.  Bears, other than dancing, talking, virtual reality bears, are vicious creatures that will rip your face off and eat your eyeballs.  And that’s just for hors d'oeuvres.  Speaking of hors d'oeuvres, I could really go for some buffalo dodo wings, snail darter soup, and a nice, thick polar bear steak, cooked just right… mmmm… welcome to the virtual reality steak house… maybe some soylent green for dessert.  Harrumph…