Harrumph File #045 12.05.2010_ Watch out for the Germans! (Official Harrumph Files alert…this is not a test.)

     You know, it’s been almost 80 years since the Germans elected their last maniacal leader, Adolf Hitler, the third most evil person ever, right behind #2, Attila the Hun and her most high evilness, Michelle Obama, whom we proved a few months ago, may actually be the Devil.  And so, I must, as a public service, remind everyone… watch out for the Germans!

     You see, they’re just about due for another crazy jaunt into Lunaticville.  Let me put it this way:  The Germans are kind of like a chain smoker trying to quit.  Except it’s not cigarettes they’re smoking… it’s countries.  Like that smoker trying to get off of the cancer sticks, they’ve been real good recently keeping their mitts off of other countries.  But, just underneath the surface, you know she’s just begging for a nicotine fix.  And you know that if that hypothetical ex-smoker ever decides to pick up a menthol again, she’s gonna smoke it right down to the nub.

"Old School" Germans

     You see, the thing you have to realize is that Germany didn’t quit smoking and then throw her cigarettes out after the last spaz attack they had.  Unlike Japan, she kept a pack of emergency smokes on the nightstand in the shape of Leopard tanks.  And, on top of that, she kept going to bars with buddies that still smoked.  Bars in Central Europe, Yugoslavian bars, Lebanese bars, even Afghani bars.  Really, when you’ve got an addictive personality like the Germans (to them, invading other countries is like eating potato chips… you can’t stop at just one!) you’ve got to make a clean break.  I mean, check out their partner in crime in the last brouhaha, Japan – they went from carrying samurai swords to completely abolishing “military” forces.   Well, except for their “self-defense” forces.  But they usually only battle Godzilla, and mostly lose that fight anyway.

"New School" Germans

     You know what though?  Maybe we could use basic German behavior to our advantage.  After all, everyone’s afraid of the Germans.  The Russians… the Poles… the French… yeah, the French most of all.  With all these rogue states, terrorists & ChiComs running around, we could sure use a little help tamping them down.  If that means we’re lighting up a German smoke now and again, so be it.  And, even though the German Chancellor is a chick, I’ll bet she can goose step with the best (or worst) of ‘em!  As we’ve seen before, when German tanks start rolling, about the only thing that can stop them are their own idiotic leaders.  So, as long as we can keep them on our leash, playing our tune, we can channel their natural tendencies to spontaneously invade their neighbors to our aims.  Now, if we can only move Germany closer to Red China.  Harrumph…

Statistics & Logistics division poll #15. Watch out for the Germans!

     The Statistics & Logistics division would like to conduct this week’s poll.  Before we begin we would like to point out that the Statistics & Logistics division is aware that Germany has not started every war, as the question implies.  However, they have started some pretty bad ones, so the EGiC has directed us to issue this poll.  And so, in order for our department head to avoid having his chair (with him attached) fall into a pool of crocodiles at the next Evil Genius board meeting, he decided that we would run with it, as directed.  In order to introduce this week’s poll, we have consulted Madam Geneva, our resident gypsy, and her goat, to channel the ghost of Lenin.

     “I am Lenin, let the collective view me as their savior from the clutches of the evil Czar Nicholas, played so ably by Michael Jayston in his only memorable role in the film 'Nicholas & Alexandra.’  I am Lenin, I would take from each Russian according to his ability… and save it for the proletariat in the back room of my dacha on the shores of the Black Sea.  I am Lenin, I would pass out bread to each Russian, according to his needs… if there was actually bread on the shelves.  I am Lenin, I am better than the evil Czar, for he would take from each and store it in his St. Petersburg residence… and he would not even tell you that he would want to pass out imaginary bread.  I am Lenin, and I will be the George Washington of the new Union of Soviet Socialist Republics… for at least the next seventy years or so.  I am Lenin, and I promise the proletariat that I will govern them with compassion and justice… and that we, the Bolsheviks, will not murder them wholesale, like the Czar… well, unless that pimp, Stalin, somehow gets his bloody hands on the reins of power… Jeeze, what a psycho.  Oh, and the Germans?  Well, they seemed nice… and they gave me a free train ride back to Russia in 1917.”

ChiCom poll #14 results

     “Even though large tracts of China and many old and famous cities have fallen or may fall into the grip of the evil HARRUMPH organization and all the odious apparatus of Evil Genius rule, we shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in Manchuria and Mongolia, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air as we carpet-bomb acre after acre of ChiCom infantry, we shall defend our triumphs, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never accept surrender from the evil Chinese hordes.”

     As the victorious HARRUMPH forces continue to take the fight into the very heart of the evil ChiCom menace, the EGiC has decided on a multi-faceted approach to the question posed in this week’s poll.  All slave labor factories will continue to produce bootleg DVD’s and three-dollar Walmart shirts.  Nuclear carpet-bombing has begun at the western border of China, in order to cut off any escape route for ChiCom forces.  The first wave of HARRUMPH-owned P.F. Chang restaurants has already opened and is doing record business.  Finally, a long line has already begun the march into the sea near Shanghai.  To victory, and beyond!