Harrumph File # 101 08.07.2016 I hate The Olympics

     My friends, I have come to a conclusion that I would like to share with you.  I hate the Olympics.  No, I don’t mean just the Rio Olympics that are happening even as I speak, I mean I hate the Olympics as a general rule.  Now, the Rio Olympics are deserved to be hated on their own merits, beginning with their lying opening ceremony.  The designers claimed the show wasn’t about Brazil, but about the world; yet it was nothing but indigenous Brazil, Brazil discovered, Brazilian jungles, both natural and cement, until…global warming.  That’s when I turned it off (and, it was like 10pm; waaaay past my bedtime.)  I didn’t even want to stay up to see the Olympic cauldron lit because, once again, Rio lied to me.  I was told that Pele, someone all the world has admired ever since he appeared as an ace soccer player (no, NOT futbol) in the 1981 hit movie “Victory,” starring Sylvester Stallone, Michael Caine, and Max von Sydow, (as the most sympathetic Nazi since Colonel Klink,) would light the Olympic cauldron.  But nooooooo!  At the last minute, we were told Pele was too sick to light the cauldron, so they replaced him with some no-name Brazilian marathoner!  What!?!  Why the hell couldn’t they just wheelchair poor Pele’s crippled body out there with the torch and have him drop it in the cauldron?  Oh, could it be those final 27 steps?  Hey, how about you clowns get with the ADA standards and put in an elevator for the disabled? Jeeze, be inclusive for once.  Anyway, I didn’t get to see Pele one last time, but at least the U.S. won the first gold medal of the games…with a rifle!

     Ok, enough about Rio, why exactly do I now hate the Olympics?  Recently, I saw an online video that pointed out that female athletes at Rio are being commented on about their appearance, not their athletic abilities.  They’re described as “emotional,” whereas male athletes are described as “courageous” and “strong.”  The video ends by saying that 45% of Olympic athletes are women “...And they deserve to be treated equally.”  Here – here!  I couldn’t agree more.  Finally, someone is brave enough to call out the Olympics as the embarrassment of sexism and misogyny that it is!  This is why I hate the Olympics.  It’s high time we started treating women equally, therefore I am, here and now, calling for a more equal Olympic games.  Why do we have men and women segregated into “Women’s 100m butterfly” and “Men’s 100m butterfly?”  Why can’t women vault the same poles that men are vaulting?  After all, isn’t gender just an artificial construct?  The U.S. is leading the way by allowing women to enter any combat specialty in the military, isn’t it time for women to run the marathon alongside men?  Can we not just have the “100m butterfly” for athletes to compete in?  Wait, what?  We can’t do that because in many sports men will dominate the pool, or the track, or the road?  Well, girlie, I guess you’ll just have to put in a little more practice to get that bronze medal.

Harrumph File #100 01.01.2012_It’s A Whole New Year

     Well, it’s here folks.  The end times… The final year… The end of the world as we know it… and I feel fine.  2011 is over and 2012 is here.  We’ve all heard the talk about the Mayan calendar ending in 2012.  December 21^st, 2012 to be precise.  And, since the Mayans have a 100% correct record of predictions (Not only have they predicted the date of the end of the world, but they also predicted the arrival of Cortez, the rise of the Nazis, the success of the Kool Aid “Oh Ya!” campaign, and the exact date of Regis Philbin’s retirement) we must all be prepared for the end of the Mayan calendar… and the day after.

Hey, did you write a note on the calendar for my birthday?

     It is also fitting that this is Harrumph File #100, which was a pre-programmed “hold” point in the HARRUMPH countdown to the end (hey, if NASA can do it so can we!)  Yes, this column has been published once a week for the last two years with the express purpose of keeping you informed and aware of the dangers so that you can go about your business without looking over your shoulder every 2 seconds (HARRUMPH has done that for you.)  Well, it’s time to dedicate some of the precious time left before the end for our own protection.

     There are many things to do in the next 354 days to make sure that we are still here on day 355.  You see, you may be running around screaming in terror as the zombie hordes close in around you on December 22, but we’ve got plans.  Plans not only for December 22^nd, but long-range plans into 2013, 2014, even to the year 2525.  In order to still be around to execute these long-range plans we’ve got a lot of things to do.  Sandbagging windows, boarding up doors, counting and re-counting ammunition, practicing head shots (remember the knowledge gained from George A. Romero: “kill the brain, you kill the ghoul.”)

            So, since we’ve reached our pre-programmed “hold” point, and since we’ve got many, many tasks ahead of us, and since we’ve seemed to have picked up a couple of “stalkers” along the way, we now offer you our final harrumph… at least until December 23^rd, 2012… Harrumph…

Harrumph File #099 12.25.2011_Christmas 2011

            Well, today is Christmas.  And, as I sit back and enjoy 24 hours of “A Christmas Story,” an occasional “Dr. Seuss’s How The Grinch Stole Christmas,” (the original cartoon starring Boris Karloff as the voice of The Grinch, not that monstrosity with Jim Carrey.) and as the minions and henchmen open their evil gifts consisting of various holly jolly weapons and tools of the “taking over the world” trade; I, H.A. Rrumph, would like to wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas and a very happy new year… under the boot of HARRUMPH!!!  Muahahahahaha!!!!!!!!  Harrumph…

Harrumph File #098 12.18.2011_That’s It, The End Times Are Here.

     Elephants have figured out how to use boxes to get food too high to reach on their own.  Alligators are cooperating in fishing for meals.  Monkeys are using virtual reality to distinguish between different textures.  Frogs are growing teeth.  Wasps transport ants away from food sources.  Cats imitate monkey calls in the forest.  Goats are walking up the sides of dams in Italy.  Rocks are moving on their own in Death Valley.  And on top of all this, zombie ants have been found in the jungle and scientists are creating zombie caterpillars in the lab!  That’s it folks.  Game over.  You may just dismiss these events as strange and weird articles to be found in National Geographic online but I say they’re signs of the end.  Time to board up the windows, clear the fields of fire around your house, stack rifle magazines at your sandbagged, upper story window, and wait for the inevitable zombie apocalypse.  This is the end.

     Ok, ok, I can see that some of these stories are just natural outcomes of normal evolution.  So I can see how margays in the Amazon jungle imitating monkey calls to draw in food and alligators lining up at bottlenecks in rivers to feast on fish passing through can be seen as normal development; the cats have seen how making baby monkey calls will lure in a curious adult monkey (George, perhaps?) and maybe they can make a quick meal of it.  And, alligators gathering where there’s plenty of fish to eat… oh well, just nature taking its course.  But how do you explain an elephant trying to reach some tasty fruit just out of reach of his trunk, walking over to and then pushing a large box over to the out-of-reach branch, and then stepping on said box to reach the tasty morsels?  This is problem-solving intelligence, not just “food there, go to food” instinct.  And, as I’ve pointed out in previous harrumphs, elephants in India will go into villages and murder people who have offended them in some way (like trying to kill them or chase them out of the area) by knocking on their doors and then dragging them off into the jungle when the foolish person answers the door.  This is the end… beautiful friend, the end.

     Wasps have been seen picking up ants that are swarming over a food item that they crave, flying a distance away with the ants, and them dropping them back to the ground, unharmed, and then flying back to the food, repeating this as necessary, until they’ve got the food to themselves.  It’s not like the wasp gets in there and fights it out with ants, like they did on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom, back the 60’s.  It’s almost as if they’ve discovered that ants are an integral part of the food chain and they’re just pushing them aside, with no ill effects, to maintain the balance of nature.  Smart wasps?  This is the end… my only friend, the end.

     Now, as for the next few things, I just have no clue.  Frogs growing teeth?  Oh come on, don’t you think we’ll have enough trouble with the wasps and elephants?  Now we have to worry about frogs attacking us?  Brings a whole new meaning to frog gigging when the frogs can fight back.  I’m sure it wont be long before they discover a 500 pound, six foot long frog with saber-tooth like tusks in the swamps.  And what the hell are goats doing walking up near vertical dam faces for?  Just so that we can put them on the “watch list” too?  Damn goats (or is it “dam” goats?  Whatever…) And monkeys playing with computers and virtual reality?  C'mon scientists, knock it off! Oh yeah, better watch out for those moving rocks in Death Valley too.  It’s not enough that we have to face off against the animal kingdom at like 10 trillion to one odds, now we have to include rocks?  Oh well, 10 bazillion to one.  This is the end… of our elaborate plans, the end.

     Ants in the jungle are being taken over by a fungus that turns them into zombies.  They are “digested” by the fungus, wander off and eventually die, after which the fungus sprouts from their heads, ready to attack a new host.  Well, this might be nature at work but deliberately infecting caterpillars with a zombie virus in the lab at Penn State is just going too far.  You know what’s coming next folks; the virus “jumps” to one of the scientists late at night, the reports from Pennsylvania (interestingly, where the original “Night of the Living Dead” movie was supposed to have taken place,) of weird attacks where victims have been bitten by other people in strange trances, and in some cases, unbelievable reports of cannibalism or people being devoured on city streets by their attackers; hospitals being overwhelmed; the National Guard, then the entire Army being mobilized; worldwide epidemic; borders closed (finally!); tanks in the streets; napalmed cities… and then the inevitable silence from the emergency broadcast system.  Haven’t we learned anything from George Romero (besides knowing when you’ve finally “jumped the shark” in zombie movies?)  This is the end… of everything that stands, the end.

Goodbye Mr. Bear...

            And finally, have you seen the videos of these bears waving at people?  I’m not talking about the usual “bear waves, bear gets food treat” ones, I’m talking about the ones where they’re waving but not getting any food snacks.  It’s like they’re enjoying waving.  Enjoying waving at us.  Waving goodbye to us.  This is the end… Harrumph…

Harrumph File #097 12.11.2011_The Aliens Are Coming! The Aliens Are Coming!

     So scientists have discovered an “object” near Mercury.  Specifically, a planet-sized object that no one has ever seen before.  They first saw this object as a solar flare swept over the barren planet in the first week of December.  Many internet bloggers are speculating that it is, indeed, an alien spacecraft; a “mother-ship,” if you will that, utilizing a clocking device, has remained hidden from our prying eyes until the natural world upset their nefarious scheme with a solar flare.  Scientists have come up with a usual pointy-headed explanation that is, quite frankly, beyond belief.  I intend, right here in the harrumph files, to prove the bloggers right and the pointy-headed scientists wrong.

     First of all, the scientists say that the object is actually the planet Mercury itself.  HA!  I laugh at that explanation for several reasons, primary among them being the simple fact that the planet Mercury cannot be in two different places at the same time!  HA HA!  Take that, scientists!  Physics right back in your face!  These so-called scientists claim that what we see in the footage is Mercury’s wake, “where the planet was on the previous day.”  What a load of crap!  There are no “wakes” in space.  What do they take us for, a bunch of know-nothing clowns that think that we’ll buy their explanation because we know that ships on the ocean cause wakes and that since we call our rockets “spaceships” that we’ll then accept “space wakes?”  HA!

     Besides, we all know from watching movies that scientists are always the ones that forget to round up pi, or put the decimal point in the wrong spot, or forgot to close the screen door on his transmogrifying machine, and therefore mess everything up and boom!  We’ve got a bunch of zombies or some weird new half-octopus, half-goat, half-spider gigantic mega-monster, or some brand new super-virus with a 99.99% (or is that 9.99%?) death rate and it’s always some construction worker or some obnoxious kid that’s got to do the actual world saving.  Besides, you can never trust scientists because every ten years they reverse all their findings from the previous decade:  “the planet isn’t cooling, it’s heating.”  Having a glass of wine is now good for you.  Eggs were bad for you in the 80’s & 90’s, now they’re good for you.  Jeeze, at this rate I’m gonna take up smoking just for the future health benefits.  Scientists, bah (hand waves dramatically)!

I've got a bad feeling about this!

     So, if the pointy-headed scientists are wrong (obviously!) then by default the object is, in fact, an alien spaceship (without a wake) that’s orbiting Mercury.  But wait!  Here’s further proof!  So, if you were an alien and you wanted to hide out in our solar system to spy on us and find out all our strengths & weaknesses, where would you hide?  Of course, you’d hide with the sun at your back, just like how the Nazi and Jap…p…panese planes used to dive on our bombers from out of the sun back in WWII.   And, you would send out your own spies to mislead and misdirect human defenses.  When you were a kid did your mom ever tell you to never look at the sun?  Well, well, I wonder why?  I guess we now know.  Yes, the long standing old wives tale of having your retinas burnt out if you look at the sun is just an evil alien plot to get us to watch in the wrong direction!

            But, do not give up!  Do not think that we will become the inevitable “first course” in an alien cookbook!  For, what else have the movies taught us?  That for every evil alien plan to take over our world we have a counter attack!  Either we will find some way to render their force fields inoperative, or microorganisms will infect and kill them, or just good old-fashioned Marine Corps firepower will blow those extra-terrestrial turkeys back to the pathetic planet they came from!  Remember, the aliens have made a mistake.  They’ve let themselves be seen!  Yes, they are not infallible!  They can be defeated!  We don’t need scientists!  We don’t need viruses or microorganisms to do our fighting!  We have the troops!  We have the firepower!  What we need to do is deploy that force now, when they’re off balance!  Attack now!  Use everything at our disposal, and then some!  Tactical smart missiles, phased-plasma pulse rifles, RPG's, independently targeting particle-beam phalanxes, nukes, knives, sharp sticks!  And if that “object” does turn out to be Mercury and we blow it completely away?  Who cares?  No one seemed to notice when the “scientists” got rid of Pluto!  Harrumph…

Harrumph File #096 12.04.2011_It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

     The most wonderful time of the year.  Everyone’s happy and laughing; singing songs and wishing complete strangers a “merry Christmas” (or simply “happy holidays” if you live in an extremely PC area of the country.)  And I ask myself, why?  Unless you live in the southern hemisphere (where only tranks, lobos and zipheads live) it’s damn cold outside!  What the heck is there to be so happy about when you’ve got to shovel 360 cubic feet of snow out of the way every day just to get your car out of your driveway?

     “Oh, but it’s a magical time; Santa Claus; goodwill; cheer; eggnog.”  Baaah!  Actually it’s a time that we suspend all the normal operating practices of everyday life.  It’s a time that we tell our children “go ahead and sit on that stranger’s lap and tell him about all the goodies you want him to give you.”  Any other time of the year we’d be telling our kids to stay away from that ho-ho-ho-hoing predator.  And certainly don’t take a lollipop from him; you don’t know where that thing has been!  Oh yeah, it’s ok if you see him in your house late at night going through your stockings too.  And even if he’s kissing your mom, that’s ok too.  WTF?  This is after how many years of teaching your kids to shoot a double-tap to the chest followed up by one to the head for home invaders?  Baaah, just throw all that training out for some crappy wooden toys made by elf slave labor (all legal of course since there are no labor laws that govern the north pole.)  And eggnog?  Just what the heck is that anyway?  Elf barf?

     And then you have to deal with all the gift planning.  “What does Grandpa Fred want this year?”  Well, we can’t afford to get him a replacement portable oxygen tank so maybe he would like a tin of those Danish butter cookies.  You know, the ones that were made 25 years ago and are hard as cement?  Baaah, just put a Santa hat on him and wheel him into the corner where he won’t frighten the kids.  Then there’s the whole “re-gifting” thing.  The fear that whoever’s gift you’re re-gifting will find out about it from whomever you gave it to.  If you just follow a few simple rules about re-gifting you can get away with it easily.  Number one being don’t re-gift to a mutual friend, duh?  And, don’t re-gift obvious items.  You know, there’s only been one fruitcake ever produced.  It’s been getting re-gifted all around the world since 1937.

     Then there’s all the Christmas specials that you have to watch.  Now, I’m not talking about the cool ones I’m talking about the lame ones.  I don’t want to go into Regis’s house and spend the holidays with his family.  I don’t want to spend Christmas with Oprah & the Obamas in Hawaii.  And I certainly don’t want to go to Uncle Joe Biden’s workshop at the North Pole.  Baaah!

     The cool shows are ok though.  In fact, they’re about the only thing that I look forward to during this time of year.  24 hours of “A Christmas Story” on TBS followed by “Dr. Seuss’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas.”  And not that monstrosity starring Jim Carry either.  The only thing the Oscar it won for best makeup is good for is to konk Carry over the head with.  No, I’m talking about the original cartoon narrated by Boris Karloff.  Haha, what a grinchy Grinch.  I like his dog.

Never trust a banjo-playing snowman...never!

     And what about snowmen?  Everyone’s building snowmen this time of year.  People, don’t you know that snowmen are evil?  Don’t let that jolly, happy Frosty fool you either. He took all the kids in town and “He led them down the streets of town right to the traffic cop.  And he only paused a moment when he heard him holler “Stop!”  So he’s teaching children that they don’t have to listen to the police?  And how about the original snowman played by Burl Ives in “Rudolf, the Red-Nosed Reindeer?”  That’s one evil snowman if you ask me.  Laughing about how all the other reindeer make fun of Rudolf & his red nose.  Now, I know red-nosed reindeer aren’t a protected class under law, but it’s still bullying and we shouldn’t promote it.

            So the next time someone you don’t know says “merry Christmas” to you as you’re walking down the street; or the next time your neighbor asks you if you’re taking your kids to see Santa down at the mall, wave your hand and throw out a “Baaah!” and let’s all bring this Christmas cheer thing back to reality.  Harrumph…

Harrumph File #095 11.27.2011_Why Does The Future Suck When You Finally Get There?

     Has anyone else noticed this?   I remember when I was a wee tike all the books, magazines and movies that made big promises for the future.  Well, the future is here and it’s nothing like what they said it would be like.  About the best thing we’ve got from the promised future is cell phones and quite frankly, I think the world was a better place before they invented them.

     Do you remember Star Trek?  Remember all the cool things they had?  They had transporters that could beam you all over the galaxy.  What do we have now?  The TSA that’s what.  “Please step on the transporter platform and remove your shoes.”  I don’t remember Captain Kirk ever having to remove his shoes.  And what about food replicators?  All you had to do was hit a button or two (how the replicator knows what you want with the push of only two buttons I’ll never know, but it worked!) and bingo, a bowl of steaming hot chicken noodle soup!  Nowadays what do we have?  Frozen microwave meals that taste like crap and cost a fortune!

     Speaking of fortunes, ever notice how in the future they don’t have money?  I even remember Captain Picard (of the “next generation,” even farther into the future) saying something to that effect to some guest star.  So what I want to know is, why would he want to go out in space, facing death and destruction instead of spending his time at a leisure activity that he enjoys, like fishing or going to strip clubs?  And how does he pay for the cool “Enterprise” models he had in his stateroom?  And, if they don’t have money in the future why don’t we see more fights in Whoopi Goldberg’s bar from drunks that can drink as many drinks as they want because they don’t cost anything?  And how can evil Spock shave a perfect “evil” goatee if he can’t buy any razors?  Are razors free in the future?  What a bunch of B.S.

Hey look! They still use paper shopping bags in the future!

     Ok, so maybe I’m being a little too critical here since we’re not quite in the 25^th century, or wherever or whenever they were.  But I do remember reading Popular Mechanics magazine, telling me that by the 1980’s we would all have personal spacecraft, robot maids (and Roombas don’t count,) elevators that would take you straight up to the orbiting space station, that looked like a cool wheel (not the monstrosity that is the I.S.S.,) jet packs, “holo” decks, domed cities that exist on the ocean floor, and, yes, what I’ve been waiting for the most, flying cars.

            Well, it’s well past 1984 and I still don’t have my flying car!  They were supposed to look like the Jetsonmobile, with a domed cockpit; be able to fly about 200 feet off the ground; have hover capability; and automatic, retractable landing gear.  Last I looked, they were still building freeways and tires.  Dang, the future sucks!  Harrumph…

Harrumph File #094 11.20.2011_A-Rock-Na-Phobia

     Have you ever been driving through a canyon and they’ve got these signs posted that show a little car at the base of a cliff with a gigantic boulder falling on it?  This is my nightmare.  This is my fear.  I feel that I am that little car just waiting to be squashed flat by a lurking boulder looking for a victim.  My question now is this: is there a formal name for the fear of being squashed by a boulder while driving your car through a canyon?

     There are many phobias that afflict people.  How many are untitled?  How many are still waiting to be discovered by some pointy-headed grad student looking for a thesis to write?  I know that my phobia of being squashed flat by a boulder while driving my car through a canyon is real… so why does it remain nameless?  I might call it A-rock-na-phobia.  I know, I know, it’s very close to arachnophobia,    the fear of spiders.  But I am not afraid of spiders.  Well, ok, I am afraid of spiders falling on me from the ceiling or spiders jumping on my face but that’s another story.

     I have another phobia.  Perhaps you also suffer from the same fear that I do.  However, if you do we can’t really discuss it or have a support group dedicated to it because it has no name.  I fear that birds don’t just poop at random as they fly along.  I think that birds choose their targets.  I mean, if you were a bird, wouldn’t you?

     I also have a fear of people that have perfect hair, like Mitt Romney.  That’s just not right, you know?  Sometimes I think that maybe people with perfect hair aren’t really human at all.  Maybe they’re robots or life sized ventriloquist dummies.  Speaking of ventriloquist dummies I also have a phobia about ventriloquist dummies taking over the world and turning us into their dummies.  Now that would be creepy.

     I can’t stand nose rings.  Don’t ask me why, I just can’t stand them, ok?  I have a phobia that I won’t be able to control myself and that I’ll start pulling people’s nose rings out in public.  That would be quite embarrassing but somehow I think it might be worth it.

     Sometimes when I watch TV someone will say something on a program but I don’t quite catch what they say.  I have a fear of rewinding live TV to re-listen to the dialog because I think I might miss something really important like the news breaking in to announce that ChiCom nuclear missiles are inbound or zombie apocalypse has started or something like that.  How crappy would that be?  You spend your entire life preparing for zombie apocalypse and you end up getting bitten because you were re-watching the punch line of a Seinfeld episode.  Don’t even talk to me about DVD movies.

     And what about the ChiComs in general?  What do you call a phobia for a fear of ChiComs?  ChiComophobia?  I dunno, that sounds lame if you ask me.  I also have a fear of Mongolians but I usually just lump them in with the ChiComs.

     Fear of spoons; fear of wooden choo-choo trains; jack-in-the-boxes; mimes; fear of very large ants; Regis Philbin and Oprah (but only when they’re together); fear of electric light bulbs exploding in your hand when you screw them into the socket.  None of these have names that I’m aware of but nevertheless, they are real.

     I propose a single term to encompass all of these fears and any others that remain nameless.  I propose to call this affliction "Harrumphophobia."

            So remember, the next time you face one of your own fears, perhaps it is a fear of paperback books, or a fear of too many choices in the aspirin aisle, don’t be distressed.  Don’t be embarrassed.  Face it with a “harrumph” and find something else to be afraid of.  After all, zombie apocalypse is just around the corner.  Harrumph…

Harrumph File #093 11.13.2011_Occupy This!

     A few months ago this movement started on Wall Street in New York City.  Since then, it has spread to so many cities and “occupiers” are in so many places that now notices are being put up on internet billboards announcing things like: “Starting today we are occupying the alleyway between the Safeway and the Outback near the corner of Elm and 10^th Street!  We are the 99%!”  Really?  This is where you want your “social justice?”  Fighting the alley bums for bloomin’ onion leftovers thrown into the dumpsters?

     So, it’s been 3 or 4 months now and we’re all still waiting for this movement to actually accomplish something, other than trash a few parks and cost us all a lot of money in police overtime and tear gas canisters.  Do you know how much tear gas costs?  Well, neither do I, but I do know that it costs more to shoot these things off than it does to leave them on police department shelves, where they’ll be available for use during the inevitable zombie apocalypse or the coming robot revolution (is tear gas effective against zombies or robots?  Probably not, but we all know from watching the latest crop of lame zombie movies/shows that the authorities will fire them off and then wonder why they’re getting bitten by zombies or lasered by running-amok robots… idiots)  

Hey!, Quit firing that valuable tear gas at the protesters!  Dang, use rubber bullets instead!

     So anyway, where is the “I have a dream speech” from the “occupy” movement?  Where is the equivalent of the Glenn Beck “Restoring Honor” rallies or the Tea party campaign for lower taxes and less government?  Heck, even Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert had their rally, made their point, and went home.  These “occupy” clowns just sit around in their tents, smoke their dope, and complain about how miserable their lives are because the 1% have all the money and “it’s just not fair!”  And the funny thing is that they complain not only by bashing in the windows of local merchants (like the Men’s Wearhouse, owned by left-leaning George Zimmer.  Guess he’s not going to like the way his windows look!  Oh well George, that’s what you get for pushing the leftist agenda, I guarantee it!)  and getting into confrontations with union dockworkers, but they complain by texting all their friends… on their brand new Iphones.

     You know, if you look at the entire world population, I think that these “occupiers” might just find themselves in the top 1%.  Hmmm, maybe instead of whining and complaining, these assclowns can actually do something to change the world.  Maybe instead of texting on their Iphones they can sell their Iphones.  The money earned by just one Iphone sale can feed a family of eight in Gabon for four months.  Oh, don’t even know where Gabon is, “global citizen?”  Well, you can Google it on your Iphone before you make the sale… that is, if you’re truly interested in “changing the world.”  What’s that?  Oh, yeah, I’m sorry, you’re just interested in changing your world.  Silly me, thinking about the high moral ground and all.  What ever happened to “Think Globally, Act Locally?”  Obviously, “occupiers” don’t want to think very globally at all.  And as far as acting locally, apparently when bums showed up to get a free meal from the NYC occupiers they were served up a steaming bowl of brown rice instead of the yummy vittles the occupiers were reserving for themselves.  Wow, from the bum’s perspective I’d say the occupiers were the evil 1%.  At least they have tents, weed, good food, and Iphones, not just a cardboard refrigerator box, bottle of Mad Dog 20/20, and a dog named Blue.  So mush for putting your money where your mouth is!  Can you spell “hypocrisy?”  Have you read “Lord of the Flies?”

     So, “back in the day,” people like Bill Maher used to insult and disparage the Tea party movement by calling them “teabaggers.”  Apparently, if news reports are true, the real “teabagging” movement appears to be taking place inside the tents of these “occupiers.”  Well, Maher, where’s your “witty” humor now? (Total silence from the left.)  Yeah, I thought so.  You know, people, let’s just call these “occupy” sites what they really are.  Back in the 1930’s they were called “Hoovervilles,” after the then-president Herbert Hoover.  I propose, since the “occupy” movement doesn’t seem to have a defined goal or leader anyway, to call these places “Obamavilles.”  Yes, that’s right, he’s “The Man.”  It’s his watch.  Call it right people.  Be fair.  Remember, Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz, head of the DNC, said on June 15, 2011 that Democrats now “own the economy,” therefore, “Obamavilles.”  Yes, Maher, you have license to use that joke… if you dare.

            Ok, I’m just about out of steam here but before I’m done I’ve got one more thing to say to the “occupiers” out there, still looking for something to do, or something to “tweet” about:  Occupy this! (Author moons the audience.)  Harrumph…

Harrumph File #092 11.06.2011_The Walking Dead

     So, when AMC first announced that they were filming the new series “The Walking Dead” I couldn’t wait for it.  You see, I grew up watching George A. Romero’s classics, “Night of the Living Dead” and “Dawn of the Dead” on shows like KTVU’s “Creature Features” starring Bob Wilkins and his ever present cigar (try that format in today’s PC environment!)  As such, I am prepared for the zombie apocalypse… in fact some may say that I hope for the zombie apocalypse.  Food, water, ammo (actually, it’s just an earthquake kit… yeah right, an earthquake kit.)  Even the Rrumph children have been trained to react instantly to the possibility of a zombie apocalypse.  So much so that recently, while Mrs. Rrumph & I were celebrating my birthday at Disneyland during Halloween time, they dressed up as a horde of zombies and surprised me coming out of the hotel elevator.  Of course, they had to clear with Mrs. Rrumph that I didn’t have a concealed carry weapon permit, which could’ve lead to a horrific scene of instant reaction head shots.

     Anyway, so after seeing the initial classics (cool) and then spiraling into the just downright embarrassing later Romero zombie flicks that sucked (i.e. “Diary” and “Survival,”)  stupid “campy” zombie flicks where they chant “brains” over & over (c’mon, everyone knows that zombies can’t talk… and they eat everything except the bones, not just brains) and newer remakes of remakes (2004’s “Dawn of the Dead”) where they’ve got running zombies (no, everyone knows that zombies don’t run, they “shamble,”) or, even worse, zombies that crawl on walls or ceilings, I was waiting for a good, realistic zombie series.  Well, I’m still waiting.

     Ok, ok, yeah the special effects are really good.  And, although the zombies move a little faster than a shamble, at least they’re not “sprinters” like in 2004’s “Dawn.”  But, I have to tell you, the writing for the show sucks.

     First of all, the survivors are supposed to be in the deep south of the U.S.A., Georgia, to be exact.  About all they’ve got for weaponry are a couple of shotguns, a hunting rifle, a crossbow, and a few handguns (and about 13 rounds of ammo for all of ‘em.)  C’mon, writers, there’d be weapons all over the place.  Recently the survivors were trying to get through a huge roadblock of hundreds of abandoned cars.  When they (finally) searched through them, all they found for weapons was a bag of machetes.  Really, writers?  They’re in Georgia and in all these cars (that were packed full of luggage and stuff) all they found were machetes?

     The group finds their way to the CDC in Atlanta and one of the first things they tell the lone survivor of the CDC staff is that they haven’t eaten for three days.  I’m sorry, what about all those abandoned houses you passed on your way to Atlanta?  You think that maybe they would’ve had a few canned goods on the shelves that you could’ve eaten?  Ummm… aren’t there any Walmarts in Georgia?  Maybe you could’ve looted a few handy items (food, weapons, ammo?)  Oh yeah, as you approached the CDC building didn’t you see the Army machine gun positions that you walked by?  You think that maybe there might be a couple of M-16’s lying around?  There were at least two fifty cal barrels sticking up in the air (not to mention the tank out front.  How about checking to see if there’s any gas in it?  I’d love to see one of these guys jump in a tank and race it up & down Atlanta’s streets, crowded with zombies!  Ho ho, what a ride!)

So, I'm fleeing Atlanta & you're supposed to think that I'll sit in that traffic jam instead of using the opposite lanes?  C'mon!

     And what about driving around in 1970’s vintage vehicles?  I mean, really… maybe that’s the Winnebago you drove to the Grand Canyon in back in 1977 but now is not the time to be sentimental.  We’ve been waiting for that radiator hose you warned us about since episode one to break at just the wrong moment.  Once again, are there no RV dealerships in Georgia?  Time to go shopping and pick yourself out a couple of nice, brand new, bus-sized survival vehicles and duke them up with sheet metal shutters, loop holes, and anti-zombie push bumpers.  C’mon, let’s be real about this, huh?

     My gosh, I had such high hopes for this series but all I keep seeing is a bunch of idiots self-destructing, arguing, and making all kinds of bad decisions.  How can you make a plan where you use road flares to distract a zombie horde into leaving a place that you want to get into, and then not having any flares to throw to make your escape?  It says a lot when my favorite character is the assbag hick with the crossbow.  While everyone else is running around like chickens with their heads cut off, he’s adapting to the new reality. 

     As a group, they’re just not thinking.  Hello, loot a few houses.  Upgrade your vehicles.  Attack zombies as a group, not in ones & twos.  Hotwire that ambulance you passed by.  And, if the only doctor that’s left on earth is a veterinarian, don’t throw a hissy fit when he’s gonna operate on your son.  If you think you can do better, grab the scalpel yourself.

     *sigh*  I’m just getting tired of watching these idiots shamble  & stumble through week after week… and I’m not talking about the zombies.  I’m beginning to think that the title “The Walking Dead” is referring to the humans so now I’ve come full circle and I’m rooting for the zombies.  Harrumph…

Harrumph File #091 10.30.2011_ Hokey Religions & Ancient Weapons

     Scientists have been struggling with one overriding idea since 1977.  Yes, they have done other things in the last 35 years like develop cell phones, UAVs, and even those monstrosities of the roads known as the Toyota Prius (just wait 20 years when our landfills are packed with all the toxic batteries from these things and your kids start growing a second head.  Remember, you heard it here first.)  But, when they’ve finished their workday and they’re sitting alone in a darkened laboratory, surrounded by bubbling beakers full of the latest Nyquil formula or electrodes emitting miniature lightning into space, what is it that they all pull out of locked drawers, secured with a key that only they possess?

     Yes, that’s right.  “The plans.”  The thing they’ve been working on, perfecting, doodling with ever since they first saw Luke Skywalker create a brave new world with the flick of the switch of his fathers' light saber.  The “whoosh” sound as the blade appears; the ease with which he handles this weapon from a “more civilized age.”  From that moment on it was decided.  I will be the one that develops a working light saber.  I will conquer physics.  I will become the first Jedi. 

     Sadly, it has not come to be.  There are too many problems to overcome.  Among them: How to power it?  How to get light to stop three feet from the projector?  How to get light beams to clash against one another without passing through each other?  And probably the most vexing problem:  How to get George Lucas to let you call it a “light saber?”

     Well, I am here to say that I have solved all these problems.  I have developed plans for an actual working light saber and I will share them with you, the humble Harrumphian.  Many have asked me, why will you publish these plans?  Why share your secret?  Simple, as soon as these plans hit the internet, they are published.  The intellectual idea will forever be mine.  Anyone that copies, produces, or otherwise uses these plans without my permission will have the pants sued off of them, or face the trial of a thousand crocodiles, I haven’t decided which yet.

     So, here are the plans (see accompanying diagram.)  And the problems I alluded to earlier, you ask?  Ok, let’s take them one at a time.  Power unit.  “It’ll take a nuclear plant to power your light saber.”  So this is what I’ve heard.  Ok, so miniaturize a nuclear plant and put it in the rear grip.  We’ve miniaturized many things in the past 35 years.  Remember when cell phones first came out?  Or how about those tiny little R/C helicopters they make?  Finally, what about all these “nano-machines” they’re developing?  Sure, they’ll soon be the downfall of civilization, but that’s for a future Harrumph.  So, Mr. engineer, I’ve given you 99% of what you need, now just shrink that nuke down and put it to work.

     Now, I solve the second and third problems together: how to get the light beam to stop three feet from the projector and how to solve the fact that light beams will just pass through each other if you’re dueling with another light saber equipped antagonist.  Easy, you don’t use light beams.  Look, light beams go on forever, they don’t just stop.  Even if you could get them to stop you still face the problem that they’re light beams.  They won’t stop if they hit another light beam.  So, you could have a duel with your friend, just without all the cool dueling.  You may as well use flashlights like you did when you were seven.

     So, if we don’t use light, what do we use?  Super heated plasma coating a super thin, but incredibly strong carbon fiber tube.  It would work just like the toy light sabers you can buy at Disneyland.  You push a button and the carbon fiber tube springs from the saber body, covered with the super heated plasma.  Now you can have a real duel!  The plasma will cut through anything, just like in the movies.  And, if you’re fighting a saber equipped sith, the carbon fiber tubes will give you the dueling aspects that are, quite frankly, required if you are to participate in this kind of thing.  And, the super heated plasma will be so bright that you won’t even see the carbon tubes and you can choose your color!  What would you choose?  Yoda green, Skywalker blue, Vader red or maybe even another?  Only Mace Windu could get away with carrying a purple saber.

     As far as the engineering aspects of the carbon fiber tubes and plasma containment, once again Mr. engineer, here’s your 99%, you have to figure out the rest.  Tiny helicopters… working light saber… you can do it.

            Finally, the highest hurdle; the biggest problem; something that even Mr. engineer can’t help me with.  The problem that every light saber enthusiast has had to face.  If you could power it; if you could engineer it; if you could produce it.  What to call it?  Of course, it can only be called one thing: a light saber (don’t quibble with me about the light vs. plasma thing, what would you call it, a plasma saber? C’mon.)  And there’s the rub.  Even if you produced a “light saber” made of old toilet paper rolls taped together, decorated using sharpies while carrying around a tape recorder with sound effects from the movies scenes, George Lucas would sue you into the next galaxy before you finished taping the first one together.  So here’s my solution: cut him in on the deal.  That’s right, you may be selling these things faster than the latest Iphone, but old uncle George is gonna have to get his slice of the pie.  As long as you cut him in for 10 or 12 cents per unit, he’ll be happy.  Because marketing is what Star Wars is all about anyway, isn’t it?  And you thought all Evil Geniuses lived in castles surrounded by moats filled with crocodiles… may the force be with you… Harrumph…

Harrumph File #090 10.23.2011_ Lions & Monkeys & Bears, Oh My! (Official Harrumph Files alert… this is not a test.)

     As you will recall, when The Harrumph Files were first released upon an unsuspecting public, I informed you that one of the main reasons for expending my precious time to write, edit, & post (at great expense, mind you) these files is to keep you, Mr. & Mrs. John Q. Public, informed and aware of potential threats to our republic, our planet, and our very way of life.  Today, I am issuing what could be the very last “Official Harrumph Files Alert.”  Not because there aren’t many things to warn you about but because I may not have a chance to issue further warnings.

     Yes, this one might very well be “the big one.”  The extinction level event; the 12.0 of earthquakes; the 30-mile wide asteroid; the 200 foot tall tsunami; the invading aliens that actually use encryption techniques that humans can’t get around in a two-hour movie (really, does anyone actually think that Jeff Goldblum is that smart?  Heck, he actually turned into a really gross fly-thing because he wasn’t smart enough to put a screen door on his teleportation pods.  Hey genius, how about installing a computer that can tell if more than one life form is in the pod and aborts the process before you transmogrify into a half human, half fly freak?  And, about the aliens in “Independence Day:” what, was there a USB port in the alien space ship, or did they have a WiFi “hotspot” in the mothership that he could use to upload the shield-dropping virus into?  C’mon, it’s not like the mothership was an intergalactic Starbucks or something… Jeeze.)  Look, sorry to get off track here but that’s been bugging me ever since “Independence Day” came out & I just had to get it off my chest.

It's the end of the world as we know it.

     Ok, back to the reason for the “ultimate” Harrumph Files alert.  So, a bunch of wild animals got loose in Ohio recently when the owner opened the gates & then killed himself.  Yes, it was tragic to see all these animals shot dead.  Yes, they should’ve been taken better care of.  Yes, it was a waste of good animal pelts (well, they were dead and I could’ve got a nice pimp-like tiger stripe coat outta the deal or maybe an actual lion’s head to wear around on Halloween, or even at the office!)  Yes, it was all of these things, but that’s not the reason for the alert.  You see, I believe that this incident could signal the end of the world as we know it… and I don’t feel fine.

     As the news followed the story they kept us abreast of the tally of animals that were killed, captured, and MIA.  At one point the TV listed the story as: “Ohio Sheriff: Mountain Lion, Grizzly Bear, & Monkey still loose.”  Now, I know that good, decent, midwestern children (sadly though, not scarecrows & tinmen) know how to handle lions & tigers & bears in the wild.  Usually a simple slap across the face will suffice.  However, I don’t think they can handle lions & monkeys & bears… oh my!  And that’s where the difficulties lie.  You see, you can always slap a cowardly lion or tiger or bear into shape, but monkeys, as we all know, are just plain evil.  A simple slap will not do, especially for the flying kind.

     And I also want to know, as the mountain lion, grizzly bear, & monkey were still on the lamb… did they cut out on their own, or were they sticking together?  I think we all know that if they stayed together they would’ve been a much harder foe to vanquish.  Of course, I’m sure the monkey was running the entire show.  Later, the sheriff reported that there was only a wuf (I think that he meant a “wolf,” but sure enough, rerun the tape & you’ll see: he said “wuf”) and that pesky monkey still loose.

     Hmmm, no mountain lion, no grizzly bear, just a wuf and a monkey evading the authorities.  Now, my theory is as follows: the monkey, bear, & lion run into a wuf (either a wild one or a fellow escapee, it doesn’t matter) and the monkey realizes that it’s only a matter of time before the police notice a freakin’ lion and bear running around (it’s not really easy to hide when you’re 800 pounds!) and convinces the lion & bear to strike out on their own, maybe faking a leg injury and telling them that he’ll only slow them down.  Then, after they’re gone he convinces the wuf to join up with him.  The bear & lion end up as living room rugs and the monkey’s got protection & a ride that most people will only think is a stray dog wearing a monkey backpack.  Very tricky.

            So, here’s the reason for the alert:  the monkey is still on the loose, people.  And apparently this monkey is a thinking, conniving, depraved monstrosity hell-bent on world domination.  Obviously the monkey somehow forced the owner to release the other wild animals, knowing the havoc it would create… and the opportunity for him to make good his escape.  I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that this evil monkey (I know, it’s redundant) made his escape soon after a Planet of the Apes movie was released (even if it did suck and had no real apes in it.)  Well, I for one will not live on a planet ruled by apes!  A planet ruled by horse riding, clothes wearing, talking apes who see us humans as a scourge to be destroyed!  Colonel George Taylor asked a question back in 1968:  “A planet where apes evolved from men?  There’s got to be an answer.”  Here is your answer Taylor, and our destiny.  Harrumph…

Harrumph File #089 10.16.2011_ To Victory, And Beyond!

     As you recall, the management of HARRUMPH has established that our illustrious leader, H.A. Rrumph has taken personal command of our glorious armies as they advance into the very heart of the vile enemy forces defending Disneyland.  We now go live to our correspondent in the field, Colonel Oliver South.  He is transmitting from the Adventureland/New Orleans Square front where Commander-in-Chief and Grand Generalissimo H.A. Rrumph leads our troops in the latest assault on the vile & despicable enemy cartoon characters defending the “Pirates of the Caribbean” attraction.

     Colonel South:  “Oliver South here, reporting from the front lines.  We are currently mopping up the final resistance in the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction, New Orleans Square.  As you can see, the entire façade of the ride has been blown away from repeated attack helicopter strikes.  Let me tell you, it has been one heck of a fight.  These cartoon characters, which comprise most of the criminal Disney army, are tough opponents for our brave and intrepid soldiers.  However, with skill and perseverance our glorious armies continue to root out the hated enemy.

     “It has been a tough fight from the very beginning when, after years of provocation from the enemy, HARRUMPH liberation forces, acting solely in self-defense, finally were permitted to take the fight to the enemy on their own ground.  As I said, the fight has been difficult from the start.  In our advance up Main Street our men had to contend with roadblocks hastily thrown up by retreating Disney security forces.  Cartoon snipers delayed our advance and took a bloody toll.

     “As our fighting men pushed past the Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room and into Adventureland they were met with stiff resistance, even tougher than the fight on Main Street.  Well, we found out why after several prisoners related stories of the Disney security police shooting deserters.  Despicable conduct from a despicable foe.

     “As out troops began an amphibious assault in the Jungle Cruise area an IED exploded in the bazaar as a company of our troops were passing through.  Once again, despicable tactics from these creatures.  In fact, the company of soldiers that was hit was a medical support unit caring for enemy wounded in the bazaar and passing out candy to refugee children.  Fortunately, the IED was just a group of old Disney balloons, so when they exploded it only made a “pop” sound, no casualties.  Pffft… toons…

     “As the amphibious assault went in at the Jungle Cruise, HARRUMPH special forces heli-casted into the “Tarzan” tree house.  After a brief firefight, documents, in Tarzan & Jane’s own handwriting, were found, implicating them in the disappearance of the Swiss family Robinson (declared “neutrals” in the war.)

Our glorious armies advance upon the vile enemy!  To victory, and beyond!

     “The real story here took place once Adventureland was secured.  Various and scattered toon battalions were in full retreat when they were stopped at the Pirates attraction by the Disney secret police, led by their infamous chief, Goofy.  He quickly, if not clumsily, organized a skirmish line to delay our forces (they had actually only stopped to rearm & resupply,) while retreating with the bulk of his forces into the attraction itself.

     “Once our helicopter attack neutralized his outposts our troops entered the building.  Here they met the enemy.  Our troops were prepared for a pitched battle.  However, Goofy had armed his criminals with prop weapons from the ride and they were quickly defeated.  Long lines of cartoon prisoners are now being led out in toon-proof handcuffs to the waiting vats of ‘Dip.’

     “Colonel Oliver South reporting from New Orleans Square.  To victory, and beyond!”

            Harrumph…